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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I need a proper break from my Mum

23 replies

BoldKitties · 30/03/2018 02:08

This is so complicated. My Mum has used me as her confidante since I was 12. I know my Dad is difficult to live with (that's a whole other thread), but since I was 12 she has been telling me about her affairs. Crying on my shoulder. It's been horrible. I've had to spend my whole life lying on her behalf.

It finally came to a head a few weeks ago, or so I thought. I got totally fed up being used and having to lie for her. We had a screaming row. She said lots of horrible things, including 'get out of my house now before I say something I regret', 'no wonder you can't keep a fucking job' (this really stung as I'd just been made redundant), and as her parting blow when I tried to walk away 'go on, run away, you've been doing that ever since you were a baby'. When that made me cry a bit, she then spat at me 'and now you're fucking crying, just like you always have since you were a little crying baby'.

I'm emotionally drained. She goes on 'nights out' with a 'friend'. I always have to cover for her. I'm expected to be on tap, to provide emotional support whenever she wants. We see her at least 6 days a week. It's destroying mine and DP's relationship, because we almost never get time alone. But there's so much pressure on me to mind her, because my sisters and father don't want to. And tbh I don't blame them.

I'm literally sick with stress.

I don't even know what I'm asking. How do I break away from this, I guess?

OP posts:

lattewith3shotsplease · 30/03/2018 02:39

OP,
You sound like a lovely person, and your Mother has taken advantage of this. So sorry you're feeling so stressed.

No advice to offer but just wanted to wish you good luck.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 30/03/2018 02:45

Until you walk away and make a clean break nothing will change. You need to move on, until you do it will be idol threats, good luck

PrizeOik · 30/03/2018 02:51

You poor thing. I'm sorry this relationship has spiralled like this it sounds dreadful.

I strongly urge you to find a counsellor who can help you plan out a way to distance yourself, step by step. Have you read Toxic Parents? That might help as well if you can't afford a counsellor.

Can you also Google the term "grey rock". You need to stop responding to your mother.

First step is not to see her 6 days a week. What would need to happen for you to reduce that contact?

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 30/03/2018 03:14

She sounds horrible. Remembering that everything she says is about her and not you is always good.

My mum is similar, always with the insults that are actually what she thinks of herself. ‘You’re so friendless’, ‘you’re so weird’, ‘you’re so lazy’.

I just ignore her these days, we email, that’s al.

OldGuard · 30/03/2018 03:21

Your mother is adult
You are not responsible for her

Not to cover for her or for her emotional health or for anything

You need to distance yourself so she’ll have to grow up and stand on her own two feet

She’ll hate this but it’s necessary

Your mother is adult
You are not responsible for her

K1092902 · 30/03/2018 03:42

Id of butted her. End of.

You dont need her OP. Mother or not she sounds poisonous.

OnTheRise · 30/03/2018 08:42

Involving a child in affairs in the way she did with you counts as sexual abuse, OP.

Shouting at you and belittling you is abusive too.

She's abusing you, she's damaging your relationship with your partner, she's lying and deceiving everyone around her: why are you allowing her to do this? You can and should say no to her. Stop seeing so much of her. Once a week, once a fortnight, is more than enough. Don't let her bully you any more.

whatisforteamum · 30/03/2018 09:17

Oh op.your Mum sounds dreadful.I can understand how this has happened since I did all I could for my DM then she called me a whore for having sex before marriage with my now dh.She refused to help with our engagement party when 100 relatives were coming and told me I would not be invited to her funeral when I couldn't travel 200 miles to my grand when the kids were younger and had just had two half weeks off for Xmas and snow days!!!!.
Distance yourself.I know it is very hard.God luck xx

ferando81 · 30/03/2018 09:26

If your father is a nightmare to live with then she is probably desperately unhappy and takes it out on you.She needs to leave your dad and you need to take a break from your mother.
If in a couple of years time she has changed you can possibly build a better relationship.The chances are though ,is that she will never change.

RandomMess · 30/03/2018 09:55

Just go NC, seriously she is destroying you bit by bit

Twogoround · 30/03/2018 10:09

Move

Taylor22 · 30/03/2018 10:13

Stop being a door mat. If your partner posted on here he'd get told to leave you.

Your mother doesn't need minding. Let her fuck up her own life.

If you keep allowing her to damage your life then the blame is on you because you're an adult as well. Stop feeding in to the drama and just walk away.

Bluebelle38 · 30/03/2018 11:20

She's toxic and abuive. I'd have bailed a long time ago. I'm so sorry. Toxic parents is a brilliant book and worth a read, as suggested.

MissP103 · 30/03/2018 11:48

Op I'm a few weeks into NC with my own mother to reasons similar to yours.
Take this last altercation as the final straw. Give yourself the permission to want peace in your life.

altiara · 30/03/2018 12:11

Does she come to your house 6x a week? Does she ask beforehand or just turn up? or do you go to her house? Do you live near each other?
Just trying to get an idea so we can help with practical suggestions.
I’d probably want to cut her off completely.
I’m also a bit scared of how difficult your dad is if he’s the “difficult” one compared to your Mum!

Original poster

BoldKitties · 03/04/2018 22:33

Thanks for all the replies. I know it was exceedingly rude of me not to come back to the thread sooner, but tbh I was kind of scared of reading the responses. I know how pathetic that sounds .

I know you're all right. I need to take a massive step back. I just don't know how, I really don't. If I stop providing the support I do, the rest of my family will be furious. And I'm worn down and exhausted. I have some pretty serious health problems and some days even getting out of bed is a struggle. I've been really unwell lately, but I've spent the past few days comforting my Mum, bringing Lemsip to my DP in bed, etc. I'm worn out and can't keep minding everyone.

As to what it would take to stop seeing her 6 days a week? A miracle. It's expected. Demanded. To stop doing so would not be accepted.

I don't know. We live near to her. There was a weird incident a few years ago. I hadn't answered her calls for a couple of days, I just needed a break. I got a call from her at work. Apparently she'd just passed by my apartment building and and had seen me leaving with an ex. She was on the phone screaming that I was a tramp who was sleeping with said ex. Except that at the time I was at work. I had to hang up on her and phone her back from work, so she'd see the work number coming up on her phone, in order to calm her down. My colleague sitting behind me was looking at me like I was crazy when she overheard my end of the conversation. When I declined to answer her calls for a couple of days after that, she and my Dad showed up outside our apartment building, pressing our buzzer incessantly, calling mine and DP's phones non-stop, screaming up at our windows. It was horrendous. But incidents like that have to be glossed over.

I thought our row might be a turning point. Instead she's gone right back to the old ways.

OP posts:

Quietlife1979 · 03/04/2018 22:45

Op she really didn’t see you with an ex, it was just her punishing you for going NC For a couple of days.

I went NC with my mum for 15 years. Got in contact last October and by Xmas she was back to her old ways. We’re NC again.

Read toxic parents, it’s a real eye opener. You won’t see how bad things really are because you ‘in it’.

Down load the book and start reading it. It will give you the courage to break away

RandomMess · 03/04/2018 22:47

PrizeOik · 03/04/2018 23:17

Sweetheart - you must stop contact. And you must ring the police if she turns up.

This kind of stress will kill you or, at best, end your marriage.

You can't go on like this.

PrizeOik · 03/04/2018 23:19

Can you stop one day of contact per week maybe? And simply ignore the fallout? See what happens with that?

Cricrichan · 03/04/2018 23:34

She's a narcissist. There's no 'cure' . Nothing you say or do will make it better. Read up on it and maybe get some counselling.

HeebieJeebies456 · 04/04/2018 00:27

But incidents like that have to be glossed over

NO-they DON'T!

You're being abused and harassed and it needs to stop!
Where are your boundaries?

OnTheRise · 04/04/2018 08:45

As to what it would take to stop seeing her 6 days a week? A miracle. It's expected. Demanded. To stop doing so would not be accepted.

All you have to do is tell her you're too busy and can't see her so much. Tell her when you can see her, and when you can phone her ("I'll be able to see you for an hour every Tuesday after work, and will phone you every Friday at 6pm for a catch up,") and then stick to it.

If she demands more attention, don't engage. If she phones, tell her you're busy but are looking forward to your Friday night catch-up then hang up. If she turns up at your flat ringing the bell, don't answer. If she starts shouting through your letter box, tell her to go away and if she doesn't, phone the police (perhaps record all the shouting just in case).

If you stick to it, things will get better. I know: I did the same with my over-demanding parents and it worked eventually.

That phone call she made to you at work was ridiculous. If she tries that again, refuse to engage. Tell her you're not going to speak to her when she's being so ridiculous, and hang up. If she persists in phoning, call the police and tell them she's harassing you.

Yes, it's hard. Yes, it takes time. But it does eventually work and it's lovely when it does.

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