So confused right now

[Confusedladybird]

Cut a long story, ended unhealthy relationship with exp almost a month ago and he's moving out shortly.

Context: both nearly 30, I have asd my exp ADHD (supposed to be medicated but doesn't take it), anxiety, depression and most probably bi polar.

We met eachother at uni, first serious relationship for me and lasted nearly 8 years.

I left him as I have a low sex drive, probably asexual, don't trust members of his immediate family (witnessed some really crap EA and had some directed at myself) and want different things in life.

I have been unhappy for a lot of the relationship, have been a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. I was the one that tried to get him help, was worried he would kill himself in a low, gone with him to cbt etc

For some reason I decided to stay friends with him but this is even now making me feel uneasy.

I'm very relieved to be splitting, feel finally come to my senses etc, he was shocked and wasn't expecting it etc

But my mum in particular keeps saying stuff 'he's a good person' 'we think highly of x' etc. Before I left it would be 'x is so good to you, why don't you make an effort' or 'respect x family and make an effort with them'.

On paper yes he has a good job, can be outwardly funny, kind and generous, lots of hobbies and volunteers lots. We have had good memories too admittedly.

But this is something I'm really struggling with, and my mum knows this has happened, she thought it was horrible at the same that I told her but at the moment I feel she's glossing over it and I am seeking professional help as I'm struggling to come to terms with the above when the below scenario has taken place, and now it's over have only just spoke up about it.

I was 19 when I lost my virginity at uni. He was drunk, I was game but changed my mind at last minute but he pressured me into it. I feel so immature and stupid but I went along with it, it hurt like fuck, I told him to pull out as it was too painful but he plunged in before he did.

As a result I struggled with vagismus for ages.

Is this rape? She knows about this.

I felt violated and a idiot for pretending it never happened in order to continue on as normal.

Other things that have happened.

Also there's been time where I've gave him head and he's suddenly pushed my head or pulled my hair despite saying I don't like it?

He's asked to (sorry!) come on my face in the past, I tried it out, I retched , started crying because of this and he started laughing at me for being ridiculous.

Early on in my relationship he would wake me multiple times for a blow job at night and prod me with his penis even if I said no.

There's other stuff that has happened but too tired to type.

Just getting worn down with the 'you may of separated but be respectful of him' 'send a message to his parents for welcoming to his family to show you are well brought up'.

I'm so confused right now.

You don't have to listen to your mum or do what she says. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. Do you have to see much of her, could you back off for a while?

I know that in theory. But apart from this we are very close and in other things she's always fought my corner etc. I'm finding it such a bizarre reaction.

She said also ' you wouldn't of stayed with him if he wasn't lovely'

So confused. Why is she saying this though being supportive of other areas of my life??

Sex is something that should be fully consensual and with mutual enjoyment. Your parents' opinion of him doesn't matter, it's yours that counts. It's your choice if you want to be with him or not, and it sounds like you've made the right choice to get rid.

Sorry this happened to you Ladybird. Yes it was rape and your mum knowing about it and minimising it is awful - no wonder you're confused.

send a message to his parents for welcoming to his family to show you are well brought up'. sounds like this is all about her - she doesn't want to feel bad about what happened to you, so if she pretends its all fine she doesn't need to feel guilty that she wasn't able to protect you from harm.

Also she is clearly seeing this as a reflection on her parenting for some reason. Is she always so selfish? It might explain why you've ended up in such a shitty relationship, our relationship patterns and expectations are set by our parents after all.

You're doing the right thing, you don't need to stay friends with him (with friends like him, who needs enemies!) and you don't need to apologise to his parents for having standards and boundaries that he has crossed in the most disrespectful and appalling ways

Thanks. I know all this in theory. Just still hurts. They supported the split but I don't get why they are saying this stuff?

Is this some sort of coping mechanism people use? I don't understand and have been ruminating about it all day. I don't get it. What's happening here?

And then I start questioning myself, what if he did it because of is impulsivity and then I feel like a monster for even thinking it could be rape.

Do you think he'd get away with murdering someone because of an impluse problem, or breaking a shop window, or theft, or speeding or anything else against the law?

I get that life might be harder in some aspects because of his ADHD and mental health but it doesn't give him a pass to sexually assualt you or emotionally abuse you. There are wonderful men out there. Sounds like your mum is one of the many that think all men are just like this and better the devil you know type of mind set. She's wrong on this one.

Hi OP. Perhaps it might be worthwhile to seek out to see if you can see a councelor and talk about what you are feeling. An independent 3rd party that may give you advice in your best interests. Sometimes it makes a difference.

Your mum is minimising his behaviour.

Possibly this could be because she's been a victim of rape in the past but needs to reframe it because she's still with the rapist.

Or simply it could be that she accepts the mass media messages of toxic masculinity, where every woman is responsible for her own rape.

The sooner you cut her out of your life, the sooner you can start to heal.

You don't need your mother's approval or permission to end things. You've made the right decision for you. That's what matters.

Your mother is minimising what happened to you in order to get you to put on a display to the outside world. You don't have to do that.

My mother - when I broke up with my first long-term boyfriend (16 years ago now) said the relationship failed because I'd had sex with him Apparently I couldn't expect to have a successful relationship once pre-marital sex was had!

When I broke up with my ex-fiancé a couple of years back she maintained that I was being unrealistic for wanting to be happy. I actually got a unexpectedly supportive message from my aunt who has been in a very unhappy marriage for 50 years that said, "If it's not right for you then it's not right."

Just sharing this so you can see that sometimes people, including mothers, are more concerned about what the neighbours think and can forget everyone has a right to make their own mind up.

Thanks for the messages. I really want to talk about it with my parents as I don't think they understand the seriousness. I only told my mum when we split up and my brain feels so out of whack, that I feel like I'm making it into a big deal. But it feels very wrong and it would be nice for them to acknowledge it was wrong and put the emphasis on that rather than social niceties.

Given your early experiences (I take it they were all with the same man?) I'm not surprised you've gone off sex. You may or may not be asexual, but not wanting that kind of sex is totally normal even if you had a strong sex drive. It's thoughtless at best and brutal at worst. Whether or not it's his condition causing it, you do not have to put up with that kind of treatment and I'm very glad to hear you have put a stop to it.

Anyway, for whatever reason your mother just doesn't seem to get that it isn't working for you. I'd guess she worries unnecessarily about you being on your own, and was so excited at you finding someone nice that she is crazily overlooking the fact he is only nice on the outside and does not, in fact, treat you well. Perhaps she blames your lack of desire to be with him on your asd rather than on his awful behaviour! Either way, it's inside her head which is outside your control. Perhaps you should stop trying to persuade her through telling her details, just stick to the broken record technique instead, different ways of saying the same thing: "Mum, he doesn't make me happy. I'm not enjoying being with him. I'm much happier now we've split up." Hopefully she'll revert to supportive mother mode in time...

Last above poster has got it in one. Why do you think I should refrain from details? I mean I don't think it's sunk in, I want her to be aware of how it made me feel, and somehow have validation that wasn't right, and to accept we are going our different ways without making it sound like him or his family are the victim. They are each others, but I can't get the rumination out of my head. Rather than just play happy families I need to know she knows the reality of the situation.

Sorry for slow response. My suggestion was based on something I learned years ago from assertiveness training. They recommend you don't get bogged down in arguments about the reasons for something, otherwise you could find yourself argued out of it. Say you don't want to go to a party but you don't want to offend the host. You say you can't get a babysitter, so they recommend a really good babysitter. You say your car is being serviced, so they offer to pick you up. You say you have nothing to wear, so they lend you their second-best dress which is luckily just your size. Etc etc, until you run out of excuses, but after they've sorted out all the obstacles you still don't want to go! It's best to just say politely but firmly at the start that you are not able to come on this occasion, and fend off all the "but whys".

Why this is relevant is that you may have a big problem with something your partner does but your mother may think it doesn't sound that bad. So she focusses on the not-so-badness of individual incidents, on how she imagines she would have felt rather than how it made you feel. However, the bottom line is that you are not happy, you don't want to live with this person, and you would really like some support for your decision from your own parent who you would kind of hope would be on your side. After all, you're the one who has to live with it, so whether anyone else would mind is hardly the point!