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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please - how to split belongings after split

24 replies

hadenough2018 · 29/03/2018 23:24

Long time lurker, hardly post but need some advice please. Very nearly divorced from STBXH after a long dragged out separation. He is an abusive, manipulating and controlling person and I am often left doubting myself. One of the final things to be done is sorting out splitting contents of family home. For our DSs belongings - he is wanting all of their things to be included in the calculation ie their furniture, toys, books clothes etc. Can anyone tell me what counts as matrimonial property with regards to DCs belongings? Is it just the stuff we bought together or does it include gifts from family and friends? And what about things bought together before marriage when we were living together?

OP posts:

Twogoround · 29/03/2018 23:44

The kids stuff is theirs surely. They can decided which home it goes to

category12 · 29/03/2018 23:45

The kids' furniture, clothes and toys stay in their primary residence. The end.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 30/03/2018 09:52

Your ex is an abusive twat, so I know from experience that no matter how fairly you split things it will not be enough in his eyes. Unfortunately men of this type will never see any wrong in their behaviour, it is always everyone else's fault. Bear that in mind when he is demanding he is not getting enough and do not let him bully you into more.
Yes ok if he has contributed to the family home let him have some things that you can do without into you replace them. When I was in this situation I personally boxed up everything he had brought to the house (was easier for me as he moved into my home and there were no children except his involved) and paid for them to be delivered to his new house. Funny though because he later got kicked out and took none of the possessions he fought so hard for. He didn't want them really but was just using them as the final stick to beat me with.
Children's items are not his nor yours, they are your children's and there for theirs to decide.
If they want to take toys over to his house that's fine but that's their choice and should not be included in any splitting up decisions. I would try to be helpful (for the kids sake only) and offer to get some kids bedding maybe or sort some clothes and toys for them to keep at his place once they start going for visits. Just to demonstrate how reasonable adults should act. But as I said nothing you do will be good enough with a man like this so just do what you know is fair and let him get on with his ranting about you (because they always do) safe in the knowledge he is an unreasonable prick and you did the right thing whether he sees it or not.

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 30/03/2018 10:14

Thanks for the comments so far. I do feel that the majority of their belongings should be with me but only because they are with me the majority of the time and so naturally you would expect that the majority of their belongings should be where they are the most. We have been separated for over 2 years and he already has books and toys for them at his which he has bought himself/given as presents to them since we split so they do have things there as well. He has bought some pieces of clothing (although I still provide the majority of their clothing when they go EOW which is returned when they come back). He also hasn’t taken into consideration that their belongings at the time of separation is not really relevant anymore - their clothes from that time don’t fit so it’s not like he could make use of them. Their interest in toys etc has changed. Quite a lot of that stuff they have already asked for me to give to charity since they do want to play with them anymore.

He is abusive and it has taken me awhile to realise and come to terms with it. It has become worse since we split but I can now see he was like that when we were together but I seemed blind to it. I still doubt myself and feel I struggle to know when he is being a bully or if I am being unreasonable (which according to him is all the time!)

OP posts:

Twogoround · 30/03/2018 10:55

Well having read your second post it seem that most things you have you have bought since you have separated. I would try and get proof that you have bought the stuff or they gifts to the kids photos . This just in case you need in court .

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 30/03/2018 20:40

Thanks twogoround fortunately I mainly use online shopping so I have most receipts in my email. I have been keeping as many paper receipts as possible too. Hopefully it won’t come to me having to prove everything but I really wouldn’t put it past him to be honest.

OP posts:

Twogoround · 31/03/2018 08:51

Document everything . All Dr visit for you and kids everything . School meeting .
Keep txt .
Courts like paper work .
I wish someone had told me this .

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 01/04/2018 10:16

Thankfully I have kept everything. And following an escalation in things I have had to see gp, speak to school and get support for DCs. I do wish I had got all that support from the beginning but just never realised how bad things were. Sorry to hear that you were caught out by not having everything twogoround. Hope it didn’t effect things too much for you.

OP posts:

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 03/04/2018 19:26

Ok so said to STBXH that most things that DCs currently wear and play with have been bought since separation. He has come back saying that he is entitled to them since he has financially contributed since separation (ie child maintenance and tiny bit of spousal maintenance). Where do I stand?? I have said I would let them choose toys/books from before separation if the DCs wish to. He has also said that he has essentially paid for everything before separation (referring to the fact I was a SAHM and so obviously contributed nothing to family life!).

OP posts:

category12 · 03/04/2018 19:39

The child support and maintenance are for you to use to look after the children in your home - he doesn't own anything bought with it.

category12 · 03/04/2018 19:41

I mean, if for example the child support was spent on pasta, does he think he should come and eat half of it? (He might, but he's a wanker). It's for you to spend as you see fit, not for him to lay claims on.

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 03/04/2018 19:56

Thanks category12 . I think I just needed to hear that. I have been so used to hearing how everything is I think is wrong that I end up believing I am unreasonable and I’m the wrong. You are right he is a wanker. I have spent the day fretting about it all and I am annoyed with myself for letting him get to me and affecting me. I have seen so many times on MN how you just need to not care what they say but I don’t seem to be able to do it! Feel like I am never going to be a free of his EA ways.

OP posts:

category12 · 03/04/2018 20:23

Well, for a moment, I was wondering if he was right, (double take and a wtf ) and I'm not even hearing him directly. They're good at making the unreasonable and plain wrongheaded sound reasonable or possible, these types.

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 03/04/2018 20:37

Yes you are definitely right. If it wasn’t for friends and MN I would be believing everything he told me. I think the way you described the pasta example is a perfect way to think about it.

OP posts:

UnicornRainbowPoo · 03/04/2018 20:49

Just box up all the toys and clothes you had earmarked for charity and send them to him.

Mine has insisted on having the entire contents of the garage and shed so I’m currently filling them with all the stuff I don’t want!

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 03/04/2018 21:06

Love it unicorn. Have to admit I have already packed some joint stuff that I don’t want just to get rid of it to save me a trip to charity shops. Just feel STBXH is being so petty about some of the things he is asking for. Would list some of them but don’t want to out myself. At the end of the day he chose to leave marriage (affair with OW). Yet he is the one demanding everything. He has not shown any guilt whatsoever not even in the initial stages when his affair came out. It all been about what he needs and he doesn’t seem to care what effect it’s having in DSs. I really did marry a good one

OP posts:

category12 · 03/04/2018 21:08

Any really annoying noisy toys/drumkits?

ohamIreally · 03/04/2018 22:00

Sort all the kids stuff into three piles: keep; chuck; charity shop. You keep the keep pile and give him the rest

AdaColeman · 03/04/2018 22:14

Anything to do with the children stays with them in their main place of residence, no matter where the money came from to buy it.

In addition, all the basics of their life stay with them, beds, fridge, cooker, furniture etc etc. In effect that means that you keep all white goods, household linen, etc etc.

Gifts from other people go to the person closest to them, so he gets to keep the awful vase his Aunty Elsie gave you, and you keep the nice rug your Gran gave you.

There is a recognised protocol for dividing goods which your solicitor should know.

Lots of luck, OP, stick to your guns and don't let him bully you.

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 03/04/2018 22:47

Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. What I needed after a crap day. Feel so drained having to deal with him even when it should be so simple.
I have the perfect noisy toy in mind. I know he hated it when DS received it so think DS will be encouraged to take that one

OP posts:

RandomMess · 03/04/2018 22:52

@hadenough2018 I hope you unearth some more of THOSE toys to take to "Dads"

category12 · 03/04/2018 22:56

Oh and things with lots of little parts. Hamas bead kits.

RandomMess · 03/04/2018 22:58

A share of clothes he has just grown out of...

Original poster

hadenough2018 · 03/04/2018 23:16

This is cheering me up. Just thinking Play doh/plasticine would be another perfect one

OP posts:

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