Run a mile or agree to a coffee?

[Hispterwannabe]

I suppose I’m looking for some advice about my exP and father of my unborn child. Said ex has intimated he has been an ass and his decision making of late has been coloured by his dire financial state, coupled with a short term ex he had who was rather obsessed with him who would at every turn denegrade me to him (I have never met her). He’s suggested a coffee. I’d be inclined to say yes since we planned a baby together and I do still love him very much but, I’ve suffered the most awful treatment of him over the years and would probably be nuts to even entertain contact with him after all of this.

I worry that if I see him I’ll melt and I’ll be back to square one (this has happened before). I’m not sure I’m strong enough yet to meet him.

As a middle ground I was going to suggest we meet in a few months when I’ve had time to accept the breakdown of our relationship and regain my strength to enable me to see him and not want anything from him.

I cannot let him back in to cause more pain but equally I don’t want him crawling out of the woodwork demanding access to our child. I want to be prepared and in control.

I suppose my question is how do you find the strength to walk away?

You are already away. Perhaps you just need to stay there.

I'd send a message that sounds agreeable to meeting up but says it'll be better in a few months, closer to the baby's arrival. That gives you some time to see how you feel, and you can always change your mind.

Hipsterwannabe you find the strength to walk away when you understand your happiness and well being is more important than pandering to his needs.

Once you feel strong enough and realise this relationship is not good for you ,perhaps you can meet for coffee etc. Its still too raw, you are right not to meet him.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, focus on yourself and that little baby of yours. Don't get drawn into anything as you are pregnant and will be more vulnerable, even for a while after the birth. Look out for you and you will grow strength, believe me. It doesn't sound like it was a fairy tale so be cautious not to remember the relationship in a better light. Remember why you left in the first place. Write it down and talk to people.

Tell him it will be a great opportunity to discuss child support. ...
Bet you wait for a confirmation time....

If you don't want to retread that path, then don't go for a coffee. You suspect he'll suck you back in, and I'm not sure why you're entertaining the idea.

You can work out regarding contact/child support for the baby by email/text - there's no need to engage with this.

Op, you are going to go through several cycles of deep down wishing to get back into your relationship. It is a sort of addiction that you have, and you need to understand the cravings. You do not love, you are in the grip of a strong craving for the sort of drama of abuse that makes you feel that someone is paying you attention. Like any addiction, what you crave is what will eventually kill you.

It is just like giving up smoking - you get an urge to have a cigarette, and all you need to do is wait it out and it will go away. Very soon the urges are further and further apart, and then they stop.

What you need to do to help yourself is make sure that you are not in communication at all with your ex abuser. You need to tell your midwife/doctor/health visitor exactly what you suffered at the hands of your abuser and tell them that you are worried that your abuser will seek to use your child as a means of getting at you.

You can arrange that any contact with your child is mediated by a third party because your child's father is an abuser. That is assuming that he actually wants to meet his child. He almost certainly will have no genuine interest in a child that does not give rise to the possibilities of carrying on his abuse on you.

How is he contacting you? Why have you not cut him off from being able to contact you? Why have you even heard his fuckwit story that someone else made him do it all or whatever? Why is it even on the table that you will consider a coffee?

You need a good head wobble. You are going to be a mother. You need to get your shit together. It isn't just about you any more.

Thanks for the responses. I think I felt a little weak and vulnerable yesterday and there was far too much navel gazing going on. I’m feeling a little under the weather at the moment so have been in most evenings which I think has added to my feeling of sadness. I dragged myself out today to go for a short run (with a horrible cold) and feel much better for it and my head is clearer.

I know I’m not strong enough to face him right now so I won’t. He’s going to be attending the same conference as me next month but I’ll be with colleagues so I think I’ll get through it without having to engage.

I just keep thinking that to let him back in would make me a neglectful soon to be mother since he would soon leave again and I must put my child and my mental health before him.

Have also been wondering why he is now suddenly sniffing around and I think it’s because I’m moving and he is weighing up whether I’d be a good option to live off (he’s just lost his job).

Thanks for the words of wisdom, I’m about to get brunch with a girlfriend and then have a day filled with face masks, chocolate and movies.

He is unemployed. There is your answer.

Kick him in to the long grass. Build your confidence back and wait it out. Don't let him back or take advantage of you.

You had a lucky escape.

If you had never met his recent x then how did you know she was denegrating you?

Because he told you?

He sounds like a drama jester. No job, playing two women off each other.

Whatever happens in the future, I'd keep your distance for now as NOW is not the time to be taking a gamble on his character.

Let him prove to you that he's not just an unemployed drama jester who told you that his gf was running you down.

Kind of gobsmacked that he had the nerve to get you pregnant and then admit to you that he was with somebody else, and TELL YOU ABOUT IT

Shameless.

Have a good day .

When you go to the conference, stick with your colleagues and prepare mentally to give him the brush-off - if he tries to get you on your own, being pregnant is a perfect excuse to just go for a wee and never go back, and being at a conference is a perfect excuse for just seeing someone you really must speak to and never go back. You don't owe him your time or a listening ear.

Although if he's got no job, will he even get to the conference anyway?

Thanks All, he’s financially in the shit and has no current fixed abode. He’s been air BnB-ing as he couldn’t afford a down payment on a lease so yes it makes sense that he’s sniffing around for a place to stay now, whilst feigning concern for me and his unborn child. I think he’s realised that he could never successfully live with the OW as for him (he’s very precious) her lifestyle and many children are just too much for him to handle and he would struggle to accept them as his own. He really is an awful man and I realise now how foolish I was to think he could change and be the man I wanted him to be to father out baby.

He has played a massive part in setting me and OW against one another and has likely told him many untruths about me which is probably why she’s said some of the most hateful things (I’ve seen her page long emails dedicated to why he shouldn’t be with me).

Conference is free and is in London so he will be there. We both work in an area that is quite niche but I’ll have people around me that understand the situation and I’ll ensure I don’t get sucked in.

I’m feeling surprisingly light and more in control today. I just needed the mumnet massive to give me a kick up the ass.