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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It shouldn’t be this hard

7 replies

Beautifulminds · 29/03/2018 20:00

I am separated (it’s been 2/12 years),and 18 months ago I met a really lovely man. The relationship developed really quickly and our feelings took over. We both clicked and were both surprised how naturally we fell for each other. I am 9 years older than him.

Without being dramatic I was convinced it was love. He called when he said he would, messaged when he said he would and was always happy to be with me, I never felt as though I was demanding his time.

Another plus was he wasn’t bothered about boys nights out (a first for me!) and I was really secure that he would never cheat (again another first!).

The problem is, a year into our relationship something didn’t sit right. I was devastated and to this day can’t explain it. We had differences in that I’ve got children, he hasn’t and I drive he doesn’t (and has no intention to) sounds silly but it’s a sticking point. Then I started to compare him to my ex. I have absolutely no interest in my ex other than I had a different life with him. But I feel like I’ve gone back ten years.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I was used to a man who fixed things in the house, who shared the driving, who seemed a bit more driven. This is different it was almost like I made all the decisions and he just went along with them. Sadly, we are now just friends but I miss him so much and now am so unhappy but even now as much as I try I can’t see a future with him.

Has anybody else been in this position? I don’t want to suggest getting back together as the break up hit us both hard and I don’t want to mess him about. Will these feelings pass?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 29/03/2018 20:58

So was it you who made the decision to break up with him? And when was the break up? Time helps with everything and it's bound to be raw for a while.

Beautifulminds · 29/03/2018 21:08

He noticed I had things on my mind and I just explained that I didn’t see a future together. I’m frustrated because he is so understanding and I feel like a bitch. We parted 3 months ago so I expect to feel sad right now but I’m just finding it hard to know if I’m overreacting or knowing that it just won’t work. The thing is after 18 months together I think you’d be able to see a future of some kind.

OP posts:
Beautifulminds · 29/03/2018 21:10

He also hasn’t had a serious relationship before (he is 33) he had flings and dated through university so he can be quite clingy. I’m 42 and have had a few relationships and a marriage, it feels like our lives are just so different.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 29/03/2018 21:27

So you finished with him because he didn't fix things and didn't drive?! Confused

Beautifulminds · 29/03/2018 21:52

No, it was more that I was used to a more practical, hands on person who contributed to a relationship, where this feels a bit like a relationship where I’m in charge ( I don’t try to be) it just feels like it. For example I drive him home often, he relies on me to think of where to go, what to do etc. The driving and fixing things seem silly I know, but i do it and I suppose it’s just I’m used to having someone help me with those things

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 29/03/2018 22:16

Do you think he see you as a mother figure ?

Beautifulminds · 29/03/2018 23:40

It’s a strange dynamic and one I’m not used to but my problem is if it’s enough of a reason to stay apart. In a loving aspect it’s perfect but I do sometimes feel as though he is at a different stage of his life to me.

He could go on to have children yet ( I won’t have anymore, I’ve got 3) although he says he isn’t bothered about that.

OP posts:
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