What to do about Ex being rude/angry when collecting DC

[Standstilling]

Ex P just collected the DC for the weekend. He was stroppy and shouty and short-tempered and generally making me wonder (again) what I ever saw in him.

The thing is, I can say "don't talk to me like that" and stick up for the DC if he is snapping at them, but ultimately what can I do about it? I don't want to argue in front of the DC, so I asked him to come into another room so we could talk, then he just flounces out as soon as he hears something he doesn't like (like being called out on his behaviour).

What do I do? Put up with it?

I know it's easier said than done, and it takes practice but IME if you can't change that problem (and I'm assuming he's always you going to be a rude arse or otherwise he would be changed by now) then you need to change the way you think about, feel about and react to the problem.
If he's in that mood don't let him in. Have the children ready for when he gets there, answer the door and sheppard them out.
Don't react to It, like you would a naughty child showing off for attention, ignore him and his bad manners.
I would also be tempted to teach the children to ask their dad 'please don't talk to me/shout at me like that' (age dependant). Like you would ask them the same if they were being petulant and nasty.
And finally feel sorry for him, you're rid of the bad attitude he has to live with himself forever.
You can't force someone to be respectful and polite, however you can decide not to let it gave any impact on you.

Keep him out of the house. Exercise some boundaries!!
Have said your byes to the dc before he arrives, open door, shove them out, close door.

I'd get someone else to do the handover, he has no right to talk to you like that. If he can't act like an adult, take the option away from him. You don't have to tolerate it at all.

Have guests over

Car pulls up, you shove the children out of the door, they get in car. You don't speak to him.

Do not ask him into another room. He shouldn't have been in a room in your house anyway.

He doesn't get over the doorstep

As above. Don’t let him in house, have DC ready to go.
Or get a 3rd party to do handover.
Or do handover in a public place - I had to do this briefly as exh would make such a scene at my door but wouldn’t say anything if I met him in town. That was easier for me though as he only has DD for 4 hours every other Sunday.

Contact centre. No excuses for him behaving like that at hangovers.
Once XP had got to the stage of being nasty when he saw the dc's I stopped contact while I sorted out mediation and a contact centre. He couldn't be bothered to see them after that, that was 9yrs ago.

Thank you all so much.

It's going over and over in my mind and it's so muddy and unclear as to what happened.

He was here looking after DD1 who was ill while I was at work, so he was in the house when I came home. I was about to type out the 'reasons' for his strop but then I realise that is me getting caught up in his bullshit again.

I have been trying to keep a civil conversation with him in front of the DC, for their sake, so they don't see us having harsh words, but he is not making that possible, is he? It's been a year now and I still feel brainwashed.

I've gone from confused earlier to upset now. Had a fairly crap week and was looking forward to my weekend off and finally relaxing. Which I can do, but DS decided he didn't want to go with his dad, so he is here.

Fuck, I thought after a year I would be better at this.

Also, he is still on the mortgage so it feels weird not letting him in. Can I do that?

My ex picks our two up from school instead. Then I only need to see him when I pick them up (always civilly) or when he drops off (often ranty, but I’m happy to close the door in his face).

How do you deal with the DC wanting to see their dad and me not wanting to expose them to his moods yet not wanting to tell them he is behaving like a twat? He is worse with me than with them but still snaps and... well, I don't know what he is like when he is with them do I? They are 11, 9 and 7.