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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wedding Cold Feet

20 replies

Lovelife62 · 29/03/2018 16:09

My daughter gets married in 22 days today she is in bits her fiancee has said he does not know if he wants to get married he has been acting strange for the past month since his stag weekend any advise they have been together 10 years thank you

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 29/03/2018 16:13

I don’t know what advice you are after from your post but, you’ve got to be there for your daughter.
Sounds like her life is imploding & she’ll probably need an ear.
Hope all works out ok for her

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/03/2018 16:16

Did something happen on his stag that would make him feel guilty/change his behaviour?

I do feel sorry for your daughter but better she finds out now rather than after the wedding...

Original poster

Lovelife62 · 29/03/2018 16:17

I suppose what I am asking is did anyone else have this situation before there wedding and what did they do

OP posts:

Wilma55 · 29/03/2018 16:18

When will he know? Doubts are not uncommon but if they are serious (which presume they are as he has expressed them) it is better to postpone or cancel. Does he have a guilty conscious about something that happened on the stag do I wonder?

BewareOfDragons · 29/03/2018 16:19

Tbh, I would gently tell my daughter not to marry a man who wasn't thrilled to be marrying her. She deserves someone who wants to go through life with her by his side, not someone who has to be talked round or convinced.

I hope she values herself enough to know that she shouldn't try to legally tied to herself to someone who truly doesn't want to be tied to her. So much harder to disentangle yourself once you're married...

It sounds like she needs to sit him down and tell him that he hasn't been the man she knows and loves since he went away with his friends, and she deserves to know what's going on. And then listen. And then decide what she wants to do, not what he wants to do, but she wants to do. She needs to decide if he is worthy of her, not vv.

I wish her luck.

Rudgie47 · 29/03/2018 16:20

Best that he doesnt marry her then, I've known loads of people who have got married when they didnt want to and non of the marriages lasted.

rocketgirl22 · 29/03/2018 16:21

My db had cold feet the night before, but he went ahead, and they are still married.

Can you not pop over and see him, in ways of looking supportive and see if he will open up to you? Or call his mother for a chat?

Quietly make some enquiries to see if you can cancel anything, get your money back etc, she may not be up to it, but some proper notice may save thousands with things like florists, catering etc.

Sorry this is happening but better she knows now if he is a ratbag, she won't waste decades of her life (she won't see it this way now but will eventually) Be as loving as you can, poor thing.

yetmorecrap · 29/03/2018 16:31

I know someone who had this happen a week before, she was devastated but told him she would make up his mind for him and got on the phone cancelling everything , she also got him to pay 100% of anything they ‘had’ to pay. Two years later she married someone else

Lobsterquadrille2 · 29/03/2018 16:34

Hi OP, yes, I can relate to your daughter's fiancé. I'm getting married in July and suddenly from Sunday I am no longer sure and I genuinely don't know why. I feel absolutely horrible about it and my fiancé is heartbroken. I'm picking in things that shouldn't be dealbreakers because I know that he's the loveliest, most honest and genuine person I have ever met but underneath I must be scared.

I am 48, never been married, brought up DD as a sole parent in every way - she's now 20 and away at university and I thought that this would be the ideal time. Everything was great until these doubts started creeping into my head. I wish they would go and I could go back to how I felt.

With regard to your daughter's situation, it's probably nothing that her fiancé actually did on his stAg night but maybe it showed him what he subconsciously thinks he'll be giving up by getting married? I don't live with my fiancé and, having had responsibility for my DD 365 nights of every year as she was growing up, I still really appreciate my own space, much as I love both DD and fiancé.

I really hope it all works out for your DD but I do think that doubts may be normal for some of us.

HobnobBob · 29/03/2018 17:11

What happened on the stag weekend is what I would be asking.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 29/03/2018 17:15

I'd want to know what happened on the stag weekend, since his change in behaviour has been since then.

Original poster

Lovelife62 · 29/03/2018 17:21

Thank you everyone there is food for thought she does not know what happened on the stag weekend they live with us long story but we have been away on holiday for 2 weeks and have come back to this we have a very good relationship with him and I may have a chat with him later but seeing my daughter hurt like this and so close to the wedding seems is very hard

OP posts:

mindutopia · 29/03/2018 19:52

I think definitely important for her to talk with him about what happened and why the change of heart.

No experience personally, but my dh has a cousin he is close to who got married last year. The family definitely had some reservations about the marriage (now wife is very high maintenance and has been aggressive and cruel to her SIL and other family members). Though it was no secret that others weren’t totally convinced the marriage was a great idea, on the stag do several friends and family made a point to talk to him about these concerns one last time. The wedding went ahead (even though cousin did acknowledge everyone’s concerns but felt it was still the right thing to do). Maybe he had a chance to talk to someone on his stag who put some doubts in his head?

Bluebelle38 · 29/03/2018 21:02

Well, he needs to decide. I would not be able to get over this. Your poor daughter, but as said, better to call it off now than wait till after the wedding. He needs to start being honest. He owes her that much.

Gemini69 · 29/03/2018 21:26

stop pussy footing around him right now....

sit him down and ask him outright what the fuck is going on...

times a moving and he needs to either stay or leave

Popple123 · 30/03/2018 00:21

This happened to me last year, five months before the wedding... he said he had cold feet and was acting very strangely. A few weeks after that it came out that he’d been having an affair.

Tread very carefully with this one! Sending love xx

Changedname3456 · 30/03/2018 01:06

He’s not sure he wants to get married. That may or may not be related to doing something he shouldn’t have on the stag but, TBH, the reason isn’t all that relevant.

He’s done the best thing by telling your daughter rather than go through with the wedding. It’ll be a lot cheaper and less traumatic (in the long run) than his cracking on anyway despite his feelings. Divorces are a hell of a lot more expensive and involve even more heartbreak and hurt than this and she should be marrying someone who is 100% sure that she’s who they want to be with for life.

ziggy1986 · 30/03/2018 10:09

Tell her to RUN.

This was me - about 3 months before my wedding my ex-fiancé said he was having doubts. We worked through it and I put it down to jitters. Then he called the whole thing off less than two weeks before the wedding. My whole life fell apart and it took me everything in me to come back from such a huge public blow. He was horrible.

She needs you just now, I couldn’t have got through it all without my lovely parents.

The silver lining is that 7 years later I have met someone brilliant who adores me.

ziggy1986 · 30/03/2018 10:34

Also tell him to sling his hook. If he wants to be single then he can’t live at yours obviously, so he should leave, and see how he enjoys the reality of single life.

YearOfYouRemember · 30/03/2018 19:27

Sounds like he might have cheated on the stag do. I don't be advising her to take him at his word and get cancelling everything. If it's genuine jitters it might set him straight. If not, she's taken control.

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