Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Compulsive lying

21 replies

Noodlee · 29/03/2018 11:28

My boyfriend suffers badly with social anxiety and lies because of it. He lies to get out of awkward and uncomfortable situations. He is starting therapy for his anxiety next week which is a huge step for him! He lied to me yesterday and I knew he was lying but he completely denied it until he told me the truth this morning. I asked him to admit he is a compulsive liar and that lying is second nature to him and he did.

But at the same time sometimes I feel he just says things because he knows it's what I want to hear. Sometimes he genuinely works on thing and sometimes he doesn't. But I don't want him to say things just because I want to hear them!

He is a very loving partner and a great dad

OP posts:
YourVagesty · 29/03/2018 11:32

What kind of things? Do you have any examples? Are they just white lies or full-on lies? Good that he's in therapy.

SendintheArdwolves · 29/03/2018 13:25

Someone who lies habitually is not a "great dad" I'm afraid. I don't think it's good for kids to grow up with one of their main care givers as a liar and manipulator.

Also, a "loving partner" is someone you can trust and rely on. Not someone who tells lies for an easy life.

You can make all the excuses you want for him - I'm sure his childhood was rough, this is a coping strategy, he wants to change, etc - but the reality for you and your family is that he is a liar, and as such, not a safe person to have in the house.

Dancinggoat · 29/03/2018 13:36

Compulsive lying can be a symptom of anxiety.
It starts off as trying to say the right thing but ends up being a lie or not what they want or feel.
They can do it because they feel what they have to say is worthless or unimportant. It's a jump up from over exaggerating what you say happened.

He needs to tell his therapist about this symptom.

It's probably automatic and he doesn't even realise he's doing it. The habit can be broken but will take time.

Tackle the anxiety and it will help the lying.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/03/2018 13:44

He lies to get out of awkward and uncomfortable situations

Well, show me a person who doesn't. I don't mean to be flippant, but I expect most people do this daily to a greater or lesser extent. What sort of things are we talking about, at how great a frequency, and - be honest with yourself - when he does tell the truth about things and you don't like the response, do you react in a way which reinforces that it's probably better just to tell you what you want to hear?

If most of the lying is around his social anxiety (i.e. making up that he has to work so can't attend big social gathering) then he also needs to work with the therapist on confidence and assertiveness - being able to say he doesn't want to go to said social event without feeling the need to lie about why.

Noodlee · 29/03/2018 18:33

He tells little white lies here and there. He once lied saying he went to an interview but he actually didn’t because he was too nervous. I wrote this up because he lied to me yesterday. I asked if he could use his phone and he acted all weird about it so I acted weird with him. He said he was looking up a surprise for me so that’s why but I didn’t feel it was right so I went on at him until this morning when he finally told me what he was looking up (nothing bad but something that I’ve very clearly said my opinion on him getting).

I know I don’t help the situation as I am very short tempered and do flip at things easily so it probably would be easier to lie to me because of that so I know I need to work on that. But he told me he used to lie as a child/teenager too. He said he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to argue. I told him we wouldn’t have argued if he just told me in the first place.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but I can’t trust him because of it. Is there any hope? He told me he wants to change for him too as he doesn’t like it but again I don’t know if he is just saying that to please me or if he is being truthful

OP posts:
Noodlee · 29/03/2018 20:17

Would love some opinions

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 29/03/2018 20:39

There's no point being in a relationship where there is no way to trust the person.

Unless you would like to be miserable. Up to you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2018 20:42

He's scared of you. He lies to you. You don't trust him. Doesn't sound like a solid basis for a relationship to me.

Noodlee · 29/03/2018 20:54

Do you think there is any way to build it back up? I want this to work but I know we would both need to put in a lot of work ourselves too and I am willing too but not if we can't work this out

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 29/03/2018 21:15

Don't try to have a relationship with a possible future version of a person.

He is who he is right now. Don't require him to become a different person in order to meet your needs. Accept who he is right now and do him the courtesy of deciding yourself whether you can be happy with the present version of him.

It sounds to me like you can't.

Don't bet your happiness on a person changing. People typically don't change

Noodlee · 29/03/2018 21:51

I know he lies to save an argument but the lying is what starts the argument. If he works on lying with a therapist and I work on being more approachable, is there a way for it to work. That's what I'm struggling with

OP posts:
Quietlife1979 · 29/03/2018 22:03

noodle I could have wrote your post.

I have a wonderful living dh and three dd
But dh is a compulsive liar so it all means shit and I’m stuck now as I love him and don’t want to leave or wreck my family

Dh started of with white lies, then it was small lies to cover his white lies, then lies to cover because he thought I would go mad, then lies to impress work colleagues.

I have ZERO trust in him. He has damaged is so so much but I can’t bare to break my family up. He is great in all other aspects -actually rubbing my feet as I type this - he doesn’t realise though how badly he has fucked us up.

Every time we have a major ‘confession’ which is usually around about when he is about to get found out - he swears he will get help but never does.

If he lies to your face he will continue to, he lies because he wants to have an easier life regardless what he is doing to your future.

No advice love but expect it to get worse.

Noodlee · 29/03/2018 22:06

He is willing to go get help. He starts therapy next week for his anxiety and wants to work on his lying to he says. I just don't know what to do about it all. It's so hard.

OP posts:
Quietlife1979 · 29/03/2018 22:32

Well good look to him on his therapy.
It is hard.

Would I have kids and married him knowing what I know now? No.

You never know the full truth with a liar. They only tell you what you need to know In that minute. I could put money that your oh lying is waaaaaaay bigger than what you realise.

They only come clean when they are about to be found out

Quietlife1979 · 29/03/2018 22:32

And also - don’t fall for the your un approachable bull. He lies because he wants to

WesternMeadowlark · 29/03/2018 22:58

I've never had a partner who lies due to social anxiety, only friends and someone I went on a few dates with, and it's always spelled the end.

And I think for me the dealbreaker factors in that have been these:

"He's scared of you." [RunRabbitRunRabbit]

and, as you say, OP "he lies to save an argument but the lying is what starts the argument".

The first in particular is very painful. It hurts to realise that someone you thought you were genuinely close to sees you as "them", not "us". As unsafe. They're telling me that we're not on each other's side. I can't really come back from that, though for coming back to be possible they'd have to change and I haven't known any to change.

They use this lying to reinforce their negative beliefs about how they're likely to be treated by others. Why they can't or won't break out of the feedback loop of retrospectively justifying their lying, using the negative reaction when the lying is discovered - "see, this is why I didn't feel safe telling you the truth" - is beyond me.

I'm glad he's getting therapy, but as with everyone who goes into recovery because they've screwed up a relationship, if he makes progress it may be his next partner who gets the benefit of it. That's one of the things I resent the most about people who mistreat others due to their own issues.

Therapy for yourself might help you figure out where you are on it all at the moment.

cjferg · 30/03/2018 06:37

If he truly wants to change and makes an effort to then you should give him the chance to. he isn't lying to be hurtful or malicious. It's a defense mechanism so he will likely have a whole heap of personal problems to deal with which he may have not thought about for years.

If you don't feel your trust can be repaired then fair enough, but if you do then support him. Try not to take it too personally. It sounds like he genuinely wants to change.

I used to compulsively lie out of social anxiety. To get out of uncomfortable situations, to make myself seem better than I was, so I wouldn't have to open up about how I felt. Nobody got to know how i actually felt and eventually I lost connection with my emotions and didn't even know what I was feeling. It got to the stage i was really depressed and I didn't even know why it was buried so deep. I waa lying to myself about some important stuff. I had no sense of self. I didnt know who I was because all I did was lie about it.

I genuinely didn't mean for it to happen, it was hard wired into my brain and I didn't even realise I was doing it until I was confronted about it by my now husband. Nobody had known me well enough before to realise it. I completely shattered his trust and it took fucking ages before I even admitted the extent of my problem.

Eventually I began to notice myself doing it and learned to change my thought patterns from automatically figuring out the lie that would make situations easier for me and force myself to be more confident and not get into situations I'd be inclined to lie about. I.e. saying I did everything I could to get something donewhen really I'd done the bare minimum.

I had to confront some issues I'd buried really deep but I am a stronger, healthier person now and thankfully my husband began to trust me again. I'm so grateful he stuck by me. I still am figuring out who I actually am but I know now I don't have to hide behind lies.

Sorry this is so personal, I just wanted to try and give you the other side of the story and give you some reasons he might be doing it. I'm not trying to say what he's doing is OK or fair to you. Of course it isnt. but we all developing ways to cope in times of hardship and they aren't always healthy, and they often create more problems in the long run. Its human nature to cope, and every human is different so everyone copes differently.

BrandNewHouse · 30/03/2018 06:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seventh · 30/03/2018 06:49

I know I don’t help the situation as I am very short tempered and do flip at things easily so it probably would be easier to lie to me

A lot of 'compulsive liars' are simply very frightened people who are in relationships with bullies

Noodlee · 30/03/2018 08:17

Thank you so much for your reply. It has really made me look at it differently. I know he said he uses lying when he feels panicked to quickly get out of a situation but once he has lied he realises what he has done. Thank you so much for your comment and opening up so I can see this side of it

OP posts:
Noodlee · 30/03/2018 08:18

That last comment was in reply to cjferg

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page