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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He attempted to cheat

22 replies

youokayhun · 28/03/2018 22:50

Like I'm not already going through enough (see other threads if interested) but my partner attempted to cheat on me on Friday. Gutted and heartbroken doesn't even come close. We had our 20 week scan today. I've lost everything because of him in some way, and all I've ever done is loved him and supported him through hell and back

OP posts:

cupcakesandglitter · 28/03/2018 22:53

😩 so sorry to hear that... do you mind me asking what you mean by attempted?

Goatlady5812 · 28/03/2018 22:54

I’m so so sorry. I really am. How on Earth someone can cheat let alone while pregnant is beyond me. When you say attempted to cheat what do you mean? Stay strong some wonderful people on here to help you through x

Sakurasnail · 28/03/2018 22:58

it's crap how some ppl can be so selfish. Same thing happened to me, but I've never been able to find out the full details so I'll never know how far it actually went. This might not be v helpful right now, but for a long time I thought we were OK, until a few recent lies and potentially dodgy behavior came out. My overwhelming view is that although I have been happy in the interim, I now know I cannot trust dh 100%, and often wonder if anything happened that I was unaware of after I had trusted him again. In hindsight I would much prefer to be with someone who had a clear slate trust wise. Those cracks in trust are never going to mend.
What are you going to do?

Original poster

youokayhun · 28/03/2018 23:07

He was out on Friday. We've not been getting on for quite a while due to the immense pressure we're under. I'd just got a new phone on his insurance so he had a paddy when we were arguing and told me to leave it behind so I did and he was using it. I signed into Facebook next morning and received a notification of a girl I've been suspicious of his interest in before saying she's accepted my friends request....queue confusion so I checked my searched history in activity log and the twat had been signed into MY Facebook whilst drunkenly trying repeatedly to search for her and obviously added her...that's as far as that got so I pulled him up on it we had a talk and I let it go (he's been telling me how much he really did love me etc etc earlier on in the evening but I could tell his mood had changed later in evening so said I'd leave him to it and to enjoy his night and he responded with "if that's what you want me to do, I will") he did come home and wasn't late so I know he hadn't been anywhere or with anyone who he shouldn't have been.

Anyway, things still tense and horrible right now but tried to make amends again tonight and got my phone back only to see messages to his MUM asking for another girls number (whom I know he has cheated on previous partners with....I know, should have seen it coming but thought he'd grown up) literally asking he repeatedly saying he needs it blah blah anyway for once in her life his mum did right thing and said no she's not giving him it.

But obviously I know if he'd gotten the number exactly what he would have done. He says he wouldn't but he also has no fucking clue what he's doing when he's had too much to drink and he would have done it and tried to get away with it.

I'm just gutted. He's "cheated" before although he insists we'd broken up and I've got past it as much as one possibly can. I deserve so much more. I'm so good to him and that's all I'm worth. Throwing away for whatever comes along at the time. I feel sick. Naturally he has managed to get the ump with me about it because heaven forbid I be a little hurt and upset (I've not even had a go at him, literally just said how gutted I was and tried to get on with night as we were out and I've got bigger issues to worry about) I know I need to walk away because it's more a case of it when it happens again rather than if but I cannot shake off now much I love this complete tosser of a man.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/03/2018 23:12

You know what you should do

Your choice if you want to stick around to be made a fool of

Crispbutty · 28/03/2018 23:16

You know that you and your children deserve better than this in your lives. What advice would you give to a sister or mate if their partner was treating them like this?

Kick him out and regain your self respect. He’s a cheat and will always be a cheat and I’m sorry to say this but he doesn’t have any love or respect for you if this is how he is treating you.

user1467232073 · 28/03/2018 23:16

If this was your friend going through this you know what you would advise. It’s very difficult to walk away from someone you love. However, you keep being hurt/heartbroken over and over due to his behaviour. Don’t put up with this crap! It’s not worth it x

Pythoness · 28/03/2018 23:19

He wants to be caught because he's a coward

Original poster

youokayhun · 28/03/2018 23:22

I've just lost so much that I guess I can't face up to the reality of it. It's making me resent the baby because I can't even cut all ties with him, he will always be in my life in some way and theeefore I feel the hurt will never end. I'm just broken and lost and don't feel strong enough anymore

OP posts:

Pythoness · 28/03/2018 23:29

@youokayhun yeah men (of course not all*) are shit but that baby isn't, it's going to be a fresh start for you. Is he/she your first?

Crispbutty · 28/03/2018 23:30

You have other children who need their mother. He isn’t and never should be your priority abc be affecting your life like this, because you sure as hell ain’t his priority. I’m being blunt here but wake up and get angry. You only get one life.. it really isn’t worth wasting on someone who does nothing to deserve it. Set your kids an example that you would want them to admire.

Kate123cl · 28/03/2018 23:38

It's so easy for people to say 'you know what to do, just leave him' but when you're so in love with someone and they're so selfish / oblivious to how much you do for them it's extra hard! I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons of staying with him Hun. Always remember, it'll be so hard in the beginning but it'll get a lot better over time! Also, in terms of being a single mum, omg it'll be so hard but SO many women do it and see it as an accomplishment! You deserve a lot better than to be lied to! But I understand it's hard to leave someone you love as I'm in the same boat! Sometimes you just really need to put yourself first! Big hugs x

TiredMummy18 · 28/03/2018 23:39

He will do it again, especially if drunk or if you’ve had a row. He doesn’t have a loyal bone in his body, and loyalty and trust are the most important qualities in a relationship in my opinion. You can do this without him. You’ll eventually get over him whereas if you stay with him you will get hurt over and over again.

exhaustedbadMum · 29/03/2018 00:18

Sorry you're going through a difficult time. Please try not to use the phrase "having a paddy" as it's offensive.

Original poster

youokayhun · 29/03/2018 08:51

Is it exhausted? Sorry I had absolutely no idea

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 29/03/2018 09:09

I think he’s actually trying to be clever but, has failed miserably. He wants out but, hasn’t the spine to do it himself, so has done this on purpose

ChickenMom · 29/03/2018 09:22

Wow...why don’t you get upset and angry with him? Did you realise you are making excuses for him and minimising his behaviour and your reactions to it. You have every right to be absolutely furious with him. You don’t have to accept it. He has no respect or love for you. This relationship is toxic. Get out now. Once the baby is here it will be so much harder.

WickedLazy · 29/03/2018 09:58

I find being a single mum a lot easier than dealing with a selfish, lying cheating fuckwit. He doesn't love you, and you don't need him. "I've lost everything because of him in some way" says it all. Don't loose any more of yourself, your life, your self esteem or security to this philandering asshole.

If you're pregnant, and thinking of sleeping with him again, you should use condoms. Do remember for your babie's sake you can catch certain std's even with protection though.

Myheartbelongsto · 29/03/2018 10:02

I'm Irish, the term having a paddy is not even slightly offensive to me.

Try not to resent your baby op, not their fault. Have you got support in real life?

I'd chuck him in the bin if I were in your shoes.

Pettynotvindictive · 29/03/2018 10:54

Two things:

1: Get angry, talk to him and talk to his mum!

Seriously not acceptable.

2: On what planet is 'having a paddy' racist?
Check your origins, it refers to Malay rice paddy farms and throwing knives.

Do you protest Paddy Power bookmakers for racism? No? Thought not.

Original poster

youokayhun · 29/03/2018 12:25

im glad it wasn't just me that was confused over that turn of phrase....thought id mad a non pc faux par, didn't even connect it with the irish in any way!

I minimise his behaviour because accepting you mean nothing to someone is hard, I know I'm an idiot and I know I deserve better. Its all just easier said than done. His mum is a huge factor in a lot of our arguments, she is a nightmare so waste of space even talking to, she played a part in the actual cheating event in our past. shes your classic toxic mil who only wants her blue eyed boy to herself so enables his behaviour. I guess I'm also enabling it in some way.

I'm at my mums. I'm trying to be strong and cut ties I really am.

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 29/03/2018 13:26

You aren’t an idiot. If you are still in this situation in the future then you would be.

You know it’s not a good relationship and yes it’s easy to sit here and tell you to get rid, but you also know it’s what you have to do if you want to be happy again.

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