Feeling anxious about my mother

[Flowerpwr]

Hello, I just want some advice. I feel nauseous, flustered and frustrated for the last four days. Just a timeline of events

My dad died in 2015
My mam found a new partner at the end of 2016 - she was living alone and severely lonely, it was what my father wanted.
She has a history of problem drinking and when she does she becomes very angry and abusive.

She went on a binge this week but today she decided she is finally going to get help, she isn't on good terms with her partner due to the binge and she is very upset and fragile - especially from all the drinking.

I'm living almost 70 miles away with my boyfriend and I am so anxious about how my mother is feeling and how the situation with her partner is going to pan out. I am 22 years of age and my mam is 55 - I can't be doing this. I'm just exhausted worrying about her and I can't seem to shake the fact that she can mind herself and she's an adult. I feel so responsible all the time and I physcially can't do it anymore. Please help!

Can you go and stay with her? Ring her and see if she’d like you to do this?

You need to suggest to your mum that she goes to the doctors and gets advice on her drinking.

My anxiety about it all is just too bad. If it was just me and her in the house I would feel so anxious, I just don't feel like I can. :(

If you can’t, then that’s just they way it is and she will have to get on with it without you. Growing up around someone with an alcohol problem is very damaging. You need to put your own mental health first.

Was she an alcoholic when you were a child OP? Have a google at the characteristics of Adult Children Of Alcoholics. There are even a few books out there on the subject. Those of us who have grown up in an addicted household develop particular characteristics, we become people pleasers and 'fixers' of situations. We are often complelled to go and rescue others even if it hurts our wellbeing in the meantime. Does that sound a little bit like what you are compelled to do? It may be you have been conditioned to feel that way.

If your mum has been a problem drinker for a long time then change will have to come from within herself. Often people have to hit rock bottom before they are ready to make the change.
When you are feeling anxious, remember that you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't control it.

zebrano is so right. Your mother is an adult in the prime of her life. There is absolutely nothing you can do for her at the moment, except maybe going to an Al-Anon group, who might be able to give you some tips.

Without knowing more it does sound as if your mother’s behaviour is a focus for your anxiety rather than a reason for it.

From the thread title I’d assumed a ‘little old lady’ - over 85 at least and going into hospital. Perhaps at 22, your mother seems old to you? She isn’t. Unless she’s actually severely physically or mentally ill a person of 55 is perfectly capable of looking after themselves.

And nor is 70 miles any great distance - unless the journey is unusually complicated.

It does sound as if someone should be worrying about you, though. Is your bf supportive?

The journey isn't hugely complicated but I don't drive so I'm relying on public transport and it's an exhausting journey! My boyfriend is extremely supportive - he drives me down every now and again but sometimes when my mental health is particularly bad I don't like to stay down there because I just end up worrying about her 24/7. I just feel like I worry as she is my only surviving parent but at the same time I don't think it's healthy how much I stress about it. It's just a catch 22!

I guess my family have always been problem drinkers unfortunately