Starting to Question myself

[Kazjam]

My husband died nearly 5 yrs ago. We live down south and his family were up North. He only had an ex wife there, her brother , sister and a neice plus his mum who has since died.

At the time I had him taken up north and cremated, so the family there got to go to the funeral. I couldn't bring myself to leave the ashes there so I brought them home with me and I have always said that when my life is sorted I will take them back there and scatter them.

The neice is only young, she is in her 20s now and my husband loved her to bits. Just after the funeral she asked for some of his ashes and i said I can't do it yet...I'm too upset.

Even after nearly 5 yrs I am not ready to do this. I know I will know when I am. In the meantime I have met an American and I am hoping that my life will pan out with him, but at the moment that is not set in stone. Unitl I know for sure I am settled again I need the ashes with me . Its just comforting. I vowed when my life is sorted I will scatter them.

At christmas the neice texted and said its 4 yrs now I want some ashes ...I have a box and picture and I want some of them.

It really upset me. She only ever gets in touch asking for them. It may be a long time 4 yrs for her but for me it is still raw like yesterday.

I ignored her as I didn't want to get in to a conversation and reap the past up.

Now I am thinking just go north and scatter them and don't tell the ex wife and the ex sister in law and her daughter the neice. I don't want to split up all the ashes. I would like them all as one. My husband gave no instructions to me on what to do with them.

This is what I had been thinking.

In the meantime the neice has contacted my mum via facebook. I am estranged from my mum as she was partly responsible for my husbands death and I have never forgiven her. Now the neice is contacting her I feel even more inclined to just do my own thing.

However, my husband did love the neice. I don't know for sure what to do. I know I don't want the ashes splitting up. I don't want to invite her to scatter them is she is going to want some of them. I don't want to be pressured into doing something before I am ready either.

What shall I do.

Could you not have some of them made into a piece of jewellery that you can keep forever and then scatter the rest and invite the family along for that ?
I know you don't want to split them but that's something I'd consider in your position.

I think I would feel the same as you OP and, though others may disagree, I think he was your DH and you have every right to decide what happens to his ashes. I would just tell her that you're not comfortable splitting them and would prefer to keep them with you, are you likely to get hassle from other family members about it do you think?

I have never heard of ashes being divided up between family members - the idea gives me the creeps tbh.

You should write her an email or letter and explain how you feel and that you are going to follow your husbands wishes in regards to handling his ashes. Might be easier to write rather than over the phone or in person. Is there something you else you could give her - something special that could be a nice keepsake for her to remember him by?Sounds like she is still grieving his loss and maybe you could find another way to support her while also doing what is best for you.

Agree with previous poster. Write to her.
I’m with you in they should all be together.
Sorry for your loss.

Personally I would be fine about splitting the ashes but I don't think that this is the issue here. You are not under any obligation to give any of his ashes to his neice to keep.

I think that it's enough that you are planning to scatter the ashes near them, and were prepared to include them in this.

I agree with the poster who suggested a letter. You can explain that that after 5 years you have given it a great deal of thought, are sure of your feelings, and would ask that she respects your wishes.

I get how you feel about not splitting th ashes. I don’t feel right about it either.

However I think th issue here is that you haven’t told the niece how you feel about it - just that you weren’t ready. So she thinks it’s just a time issue. I do think she is being cheeky really. Especially contacting your mum. Does she know your mum was partly responsible?

I think I would write to her saying that you are still not ready to scatter the ashes but you don’t feel comfortable splitting them anyway now. As someone else suggested maybe she could have a keepsake? My uncle died when I was in my teens and I got his cassette player and some tapes. I still have his Rod Stewart cassette and even though I don’t have a cassette player any more I keep the tape. Or if you have some photos of her with your DH maybe you could send her some copies?

When my mum died my Dad didn’t want to scatter her ashes and he decided to inter them in a memorial wall at a local cemetery. He finds it comforting to go there every so often. Would that be possible for you rather than scattering the ashes?

I’m very sorry for the loss of your DH.

I'm sorry for the loss of your DH.

I managed to avoid this kind of drama by having my late H buried (although there was still a lot of bullshit over "he should be buried where the family all are" I just ignored it as I knew it wasn't what he would have wanted.)

How old is the niece? Did she visit often? I'm getting wafts of "grief vampire " for your OP.

You have a new person in your life now so its clear that you are not feeling 'stuck' in other respects, so I am wondering if this issue with the niece is what is stopping you from feeling ready to scatter the ashes.

It's definitely ok for you to decline her request if it is making you unhappy but include her in the scattering as it obviously means a lot to her.

I actually feel differently to other posters. Maybe because I am young (ish, err..) so am automatically identifying with the neice I think. Although I am working on this being his sisters daughter, not his former SIL's daughter. I think thats relevant. If she his sisters daugher then its a bit odd.

She has been waiting 5 years. This may be something which is stopping her from moving on. If she will never have the ashes, I think its only fair you make that clear to her. It is probably easier to know for sure one way than to keep hoping (as it sounds like it may or probably wont ever happen). There isnt really a comprimise because both of you are having to work to someone elses "timeline" if you want to avoid upsetting the other person. How old is the neice? Does she know you are estranged from your mother, and her role in death of DH?

I think wanting a bit of his ashes is really odd! I would definitely go for a letter and some kind of keepsake. Maybe just the keepsake for now if you can’t bring yourself to write the letter just yet.

It's not odd to want some of the ashes.
When my DSis goes we all want some jewellery made up with her ashes. Or some nice glassware - sounds a bit mad but I think it's a lovely thing to do.

Your niece probably just wants to do something like this.
Surely when they are scattered they will spread all over the place anyway.
He was your DH and this is hard but he was also her uncle who she knew for her whole entire life.
Ask her what she wants them for and if it's for jewellery, glass, etc..., please let her have her little piece of him.
He's not just yours. Harsh as that sounds.

Regardless of how you feel, he's not yours and other members of his family have as much right as you do to decide what to do with his ashes.

If you're going to scatter him, then what's the problem with letting someone he loved have some of his ashes? It's not like they'll all be in one place anyway, is it?

Then where does it end? Does everyone who wants some get a bit? What if someone isn't included and gets upset?

Not everyone, just his sister and niece! I'd understand more if she wanted to bury them or keep them together but if she's scattering them then it doesn't matter.

And this isn't just about her. She's using his ashes as some kind of security blanket and says that until she's ready to.move on she wants all the ashes and she's going to scatter them without telling his niece etc. That's incredibly selfish. What about his beloved niece finding some comfort in having some of his ashes?

If you dont want to split the ashes thats perfectly ok. Can the neice be given a momento?