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Original poster

DP Working abroad

23 replies

legolammb · 28/03/2018 21:10

DP works for a foreign company and manages people in various countries so is often travelling for work - maybe 2 weeks out of every 6. He's currently abroad, and when we discussed the trip I asked if he could be back by Thursday in time for the Easter Weekend - he is often understandably jet lagged the first day back and I wanted to keep the weekend for couple time (no DCs yet) and we are going to ILs for 1 of the days. I've had a horrible bug for the last 8 days - fluey, achy, not sleeping, being delirious and generally feeling shit, as well as trying to do a difficult studying assignment after work with DP away. I was looking forward to him coming home tomorrow but i've just had a call saying that something urgent has come up so he's coming back on Good Friday. He's going to be exhausted so Friday will be a write-off, then we're at ILs on Sat. I'm just feeling really let down by him and he knows how ill i've felt as well.

We are engaged - together over a decade - but I just don't know how much more of this I can put up with. When he's not travelling he works silly hours into the evenings and doesn't have many interests outside of work. I know it's petty but I feel a bit like 'if he's not there for me when I'm ill or wouldn't mind some support with my studying then why should I be nice to him when he's ill' etc. I don't know how this will work if we have DCs either. He does at least have a good salary so we're able to have a nice house, holidays etc, but I've started to realise that money doesn't buy happiness beyond a certain point. Does anyone else have a DP who is away a lot or married to their job? Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/03/2018 21:17

If he has to work then he has to work
I think you need to be a bit more self sufficient tbh
If you're doing inlaws on sat then you can still have a nice day together on sunday.

If he intends to stay in this job though then think very seriously about whether you want children with him as it seems you'll be the one doing all the childcare

Blaablaablaa · 28/03/2018 21:24

I'm sorry to say that it was this sort or job and the realisation that work came first which signalled the end of my relationship with my ex.
He pushed for kids and I'm so pleased we didn't as I would have ended up essentially doing all the childcare which would have had a detrimental effect on my career.

I think you need to decide if you're happy with the work situation as I suspect it won't change ( my ex has remarried but is still travelling and leaving his new wife at home alone with the kids)

I'd think long and hard about children

Original poster
legolammb · 28/03/2018 21:26

Shoxfordian - I do definitely need to be a bit more self-sufficient generally. I've started trying to get out more to the gym etc but struggle to motivate myself as I suffer from anxiety and low moods at times. I still feel too unwell to do anything so it's just the thought of another night alone that's getting me down a bit

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/03/2018 21:29

Are you getting help for your anxiety?
I think if you can make your life fuller, make some friends in the area, see your family if close, join a book club, or whatever interests you then this will make you rely on him less
As he works away frequently then you're going to need your own life as well because you can't and shouldn't anyway rely on him for all your social interaction.

Original poster
legolammb · 28/03/2018 21:34

No family nearby, which is another factor in questioning DCs if he's going to work so much. I'm not currently doing anything for anxiety but it probably has got to the point of needing to go back to counselling as I just end up binge eating to deal with feeling lonely, then feel rubbish about myself and less willing to go out.

He says there's stuff going on in the company in the near future, so there's possibility for him to do very well financially out of a deal and walk away then take a break from work for a bit and re-assess things, but I just don't have faith in him to be able to change - he doesn't have enough other interests to keep him occupied outside of work

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/03/2018 21:35

It does sound a bit petty of you tbh. I think you need a support and social network outside of him. Being more self sufficient will help.

The times to look forward to are your holidays...but some jobs are demanding.... there's nothing he can do about it.

I would agree about any potential kids in the future though...you'll be doing all the work on your own.... unless he gets a job with less travel.

LadyLapsang · 28/03/2018 21:45

My suggestion is that you will need to be very self-sufficient. DH often works abroad, including at some crucial times regarding DC's education (e.g. deciding on primary school offers, A Level results, starting university), you just need to be able to deal with things yourself. I would never ask him to be back for a certain time, unless it was a huge thing such as a wedding or a funeral. You have to think whether this is the life you want.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2018 06:11

Yeah it sounds like going back to counselling is a good idea.

If he isn't going to change, and I don't necessarily think he should have to, then you should think about whether you're going to be able to build up the emotional resilience to stay with him. Also unless you want to do everything yourself, children are a bad idea.

user1483387154 · 29/03/2018 06:19

You need help with your anxiety. You are being unreasonable regarding his work.

StealthPolarBear · 29/03/2018 06:40

Would posters be saying the same if he was coming back as originally planned and the op had suddenly discovered she needed to work on Friday?

AlphaApple · 29/03/2018 06:46

What's your relationship like generally? Is he absorbed in work all the time or does he put it away when he's with you?

Have you talked about having children and how that would effect your lives?

Definitely improve your self sufficiency and support networks, but also look at whose needs are being prioritised in the relationship. Just because he is a man and he earns lots of money doesn't make him more important than you!

orangesmartieseggs · 29/03/2018 06:53

Are you happy being in a relationship with someone who is so dedicated to their job and who works away all the time?

Learning to be more self-sufficient is one thing but he's not going to change. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who was always working (unless it was absolutely necessary financially) - I want to spend time with my partner on a regular basis, not spend my life waiting for him to finish work.

I think you need to decide whether you're happy to be with someone who is so dedicated to their job.

Wilma55 · 29/03/2018 06:58

If he's away so much could you move house to nearer your family?

Bekabeech · 29/03/2018 07:15

It is perfectly valid for you to re-evaluate whether this is working for you.
Yes you need your own activities and to get your anxiety under control if you are going to stay in touch he relationship. You do need to build your own support structures.

But you don't have DC yet. You are totally within your rights to consider whether you are getting what you want from this relationship. (I wouldn't have wanted to be with someone who had that kind of work life balance.)
I am always wary of people who say "things will change soon". Soon may never happen, any of us could be run over by a bus tomorrow. AND often people actually enjoy these stressful jobs, so when things get easier will look for the new thing to replace it.

And bringing DC into this will be an added factor.

Prusik · 29/03/2018 07:22

It's funny, isn't it, my first thought was it's only one day. But the issue is what it represents. I had an ex who was dedicated to his job. I was miserable. My DH is dedicated to his family but goes to work, works hard and comes home. Massive difference. I guess you need to evaluate if you're happy being with someone in who is married to the job

timeisnotaline · 29/03/2018 08:08

I wouldn’t be very happy about this. I rely on my husband to pull his weight around the house tbh.

TheNaze73 · 29/03/2018 08:32

I think you sound over reliant on him. Everyone has different priorities

Whitewhine89 · 29/03/2018 08:39

My DH works away for weeks at a time, we have 2 primary school age DC. It's not always easy but it's our life.

He didn't always have a job involving travel (ie. it's not what I "signed up for" before having children) but we make the absolute most of the time we have when he is home & I have forged a lovely life for myself when he is away.

I ensure that life is stable, happy & even for the DC regardless of whether their dad is at home or work. I work part-time myself, have a large social network of reliable and close friends. I don't rely on anybody for anything (luckily my work is flexible with school hours).

If you are lonely and anxious and fixated with your DP being home by a certain time/day, I would honestly question whether or not you can have a future with him. If his job means that working away is a necessity, it's not as easy as asking him to change careers to be at home more. I would be pretty pissed off at him not switching off from work when home though.

In my experience, the best way to make the days go quicker when DH is away is to plan lots of social things, hobbies & work. Being miserable and feeling needy (I've been there!) only causes resentment to build up and time together is not well spent.

Hope you're feeling better soon 💐

Cyberworrier · 29/03/2018 08:42

Do you feel confident that if he takes time off at some point soon (when it fits with his job), he will want to spend that time together or as family time? I would wonder if he’s travelling all the time and working late constantly, he may be imagining a period of downtime at home (possibly gaming). Also, if he loves his job/has no hobbies, will this ever change?
You may have to be accepting of his limitations if you want to be with him/love him, as he may not change much. However, maybe you can move closer to your family and friends, find things to make you happy in yourself so you don’t rely on him as much emotionally? Meet up with friends while he is away, do yoga, evening classes. Get a cat?

Waitingonasmiley42 · 29/03/2018 08:46

My DH works away 4 weeks at a time and we have two children under 3. It's hard work, particularly when I'm ill or was heavily pregnant with no 2. Before children I was happy to have the peace and independence with him away.

If you are upset and need his support with illness or studying then it'll be so much worse throwing children into the mix. If things won't change I would consider ending the relationship. Everyone is different and need different levels of support and you shouldn't live an unhappy life because of an absent partner.

tootsweet30 · 29/03/2018 12:36

Not that this helps with the other rest of your post. But I have chunks of the year where I work long hours and don't have much outside of work anymore. It's because I'm exhausted . Even if I physically have the hours spare (technically I do) I just simply can't be bothered to socialise or pick up hobbies. When work is quieter I slowly start to think of things I'd quite like to do and the balance starts to reset itself.

If he is able to change jobs he might stop being someone who only works sleeps and eats. It's not necessarily his innate personality.

Fmlgirl · 29/03/2018 23:33

I travel for work. It's very exhausting. When I get weekends at home these days I just want to sit in my pyjamas and watch Netflix tbh.

I think you either need to be understanding and arrange yourself with this situation or find someone more suitable.

Joysmum · 30/03/2018 06:58

No way I’d want to be with someone who works away a lot and works such long hours the rest of the time.

Money and career isn’t as important to me as having time together and a social life together so that so of person would not be a good match for me.

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