Would you leave him?

[D456]

I posted the other day about a situation..

Long story short I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and found out that he's had a threesome with his female and male best friends whom we've been meeting up with and I've been in regular contact with recently. This happened when we had a period of not talking however he has only just told me.

The reason I found out was because I asked him if he'd had a threesome (very random I know). I've previously asked him and I remember him saying yes however this time he said no. I then said I remember him saying he had previously and his words were 'ok you can't tell anyone but I had a threesome with .... and .....

The thing is, firstly I am obviously going to be upset considering him and this couple are very close.. but even worse he said it in such a way as if he didn't know it was wrong that I've not been made aware of this despite becoming close with the girl.

I've been thinking for days and honestly I don't know what to do. I feel like leaving him just because I feel like his values in a relationship are clearly not the same as mine (I am a very honest person).

He wants to talk about it although I have been blanking him since.. if it was you in that position would you leave or would you accept a compromise? He said that he would cut contact from them but I just can't trust him.. it's not the first thing he's kept from me. It also doesn't help that the male of the couple lives down his road and his female best friend is always round there so I feel as though he would keep in contact and keep it from me. I also don't want to come across as controlling and be the one to stop him from communicating with his best friends.

It just keeps running through my head is meeting up with this couple and now to think the girls been there with him and I've not known.. they say 'love you' at the end of their phone conversations and link arms when we're out and to think they've done that? Now I know they don't have feelings for each other but still I don't want to be with someone who's that close to their best friend, I almost feel like she's just on par with me which I shouldn't feel.

Anyway I'm sorry for rambling I'm just completely lost. I love him so much and feel like I'm throwing away so much, but I don't want to keep feeling so down over this all and the lack of trust I have with him..

I'd just appreciate any opinions and thank you so much for reading xxx

Sounds like he is more interested in their friendships than a relationship with you tbh. Ltb.

I would absolutely walk away but that's my personal opinion. I couldn't get past that. Especially as he's so close to them now. So if the other guy was involved, did he do anything with him? Ugh I think that is actually vile that he has such a close relationship with them, says things like love you, and didn't even tell you. Soooo disrespectful. Imagine how that would make him feel the other way around. I couldn't deal with that i'm afraid it would play on my mind forever.

I feel exactly the same same! I can't even ask any details as it makes my stomach turn especially the fact that I wasn't aware of all of this! I'm discussed with the girl as well for having the cheek to try and form a relationship with me having known this! Just such a horridble situation as I still have feelings for him but can't help but have it play on my mind as you've said!! :(

I actually feel sick for you. Yeah I think j would have to walk away.

A relationship with someone who's taken part in a threesome wouldn't be for me. I have no issue with those who choose that lifestyle...but it's just not my thing.

I wouldn't be able to put up with this so I would have to walk away

You asked him once before if he had had a threesome and he said yes. You asked no more. Another time you decided to ask him again. He said no, you challenged and he told you.

That's a strange dynamic. What's going on there?

I wouldnt care if DP had a threesome. Cant say I know anything about his prior sex life- would rather not know. Wouldnt mind too much if he had a threesome with people we are friends with either. But personally this would have to very historic. I think, though he hasnt done anything "wrong", I just would accept I probably wouldnt be able to get such a recent encounter out of my head. If it was years ago and they were all like "it was weird, please lets never talk of it" then I might be able to get past it.

As an aside, the general friendship dynamic sounds weird, so that would be off putting in itself.

So yes I think I would break up with him, although its not a clear cut "yes you should". Do what feels right.

Didn't really explain that very well..

The first time I asked he said yes and I said was it two girls or two guys and he said two girls.. nothing more was said.

When it came up again he said no which is why I asked more to which he came out with that!

I couldn't get past that either. Can't stick people being selective with the truth. And I'd almost feel like they're all laughing behind ur back about it, her also having a relationship with u, would make me so mad considering she knows what she's done and u don't know a thing about it !

OP - you say you don’t want to appear controlling - but the way you talk about - about ‘not being made aware’ of something that has nothing to do with you when you are him weren’t together - is exactly that.
It’s was his sexual experience, his experimentation and it doesn’t really need your approval, and you don’t need to be informed.
He was honest and shared it with you. And you are judging him.
I am sure with some other version of a threesome - you’d find some other issue and judged him as well.

At the same time - it’s your prerogative not to stay in the relationship if something doesn’t feel right to you.

For all it’s worth - your fears and insecurity about his particular experience are baseless. He isn’t living that as a lifestyle. I presume he has never tried to interest you in that sort of experience.
Most likely than not - they all were a bit drunk and someone suggested it - and one thing led to another.
All being friends meant they were comfortable with each other - would you rather he experimented with strangers?
And after that specific fantasy played out - it was done and put away.

I am also guessing all of you are quite young. And when else do people experiment.

Anyway - neither of you are wrong. You seem to be a little more concervative. He experimented.
You want control. He seems to want to give it to you - by offering to cut out his best friend.
It won’t work in the long term if you go that way. That sort of controlling behaviour will backfire.

It's not entirely clear if he had a threesome while he was dating you, or at some point before he even met you. This 'period of not talking' - were you supposedly in a monogamous relationship at the time?

There is nothing inherently wrong with group sex. It can be enjoyable fun. Some people are in ongoing relationships with two or more other partners and are happy that way.

If you want an exclusive, monogamous relationship with him, you need to discuss this rather than just assume he belongs to you and can't have sex with other people. If you have both agreed to monogamy, you need to put his past experiences out of your mind, and trust him. (People are perfectly capable of being on friendly terms with those they had sex with years ago, without that being an indication that they will instantly be pulling each other's pants off once again any time your back is turned.)

However, if you want a relationship with someone who is a) willing to be monogamous and b) has never been anything other than monogamous and sexually conservative, then he is probably not the right partner for you. That doesn't make either of you bad people, it just makes you incompatible.

What makes you uncomfortable?
That they’ve all had sex?

I feel like his values in a relationship are clearly not the same as mine

This is a very valid reason to leave a relationship.Don't force yourself to be "cool" about it if you are not.You will end up trying to change yourself, suppress ferlings when there is no need.

Your values are valid and don't have to be justified to him or us on a forum.Stay true to yourself.
Sometimes it is better to walk away even if you feel sad at the loss.

I was about to post along the lines of chI'll the fuck out, what he did before he met you isn't relevant.

Then I read that they end conversations with "love you"

Get yourself free.

I don’t understand why you asked him a second time if he’d ever had a threesome, when he’d already told you he had. It sounds like something else is going on there.

I wouldn’t leave him because he’d had one when we weren’t together, that’s ridiculous and nothing to do with me but if we were together at the time (I can’t really tell from your post) I’d definitely leave him.

If you're asking for permission to end the relationship, you don't need it. Any reason is good enough, including this one. Personally, I couldn't date someone who was that close to an ex sexual partner either.

Out of curiosity, my understanding of this was that he originally said it was with two girls, but from your post it sounds like it was two guys and one girl. Has he had more than one threesome or did he lie initially? If he lied, I wonder why.

The important point here, as a pp has said, is whether you were together when he had the threesome or not. If you were together but not talking (?)at the time then bin him off asap.

You don't need permission if you want to leave then leave.
And yes it sounds a very tricky thing to get past.

We wasn't together at the time and I have no problem with him having a threesome what so ever, that isn't what I'm getting at!

What I'm not happy about is the fact that he lied, yes he previously told me it was with two girls and then this time round changed it and told the truth. He wouldn't have however told the truth if I didn't question him on it.

The thing that is driving me crazy is the fact that I am close with the couple. She messages me frwquently asking me to get my partner to call him and he talks about her a lot in conversation but says he loves her just as a friend.

Now I have been very relaxed about this before. I too have male friends but I am not happy that I've been talking and meeting this girl who has been in a threesome with him and they are still very close.

When I spoke to him about my feelings on this (initially I was quite angry) his words were 'that's how close we are but it isn't like that' I don't know if I may come across as crazy but I just don't know if I can handle him being so close to this girl he talks and meets up with that he can have sex with her..

Also, we was together.. then we had a break where we was not together which is when it happened! I knew the couple before it happened and obviously since we have been back together and have been regularly meeting with the couple like we used too. I have no problem him having sexual experiences before we met as obviously I have the same.. but I don't keep in contact with them nor do I speak to them every day/ go round each other's houses

You really don't sound suited to this man. TBH you sound quite insecure, jealous and controlling. What you need is a partner who is as obsessed with exclusivity and 'normal' relationships as you are.
For quite a lot of people, a good, close, longstanding friendship may have included a few incidents of sexual activity with one another in the past, after which they might decide that they are not that fussed about sex with those people again, but still care for them as friends. This is no big deal unless you have a full-blown romantic monogamy fetish, in which case dating people whose attitude towards sex is more laid back and/or open to possibility than yours is will lead to unhappiness all round.

You really don't sound suited to this man. TBH you sound quite insecure, jealous and controlling. What you need is a partner who is as obsessed with exclusivity and 'normal' relationships as you are.
I think this is really unfair. My DH and I both have pasts, but we are not close friends with any exes although are friendly to some (eg have been to ones wedding but don't see monthly).

Never mind being couple "besties" with someone who one of us had slept with during the time of our relationship,
But even more crucially, if you have a "break" and during that time have a "fling" it is a very good idea to admit to it afterwards if you decide to get back together. Honesty is the best foundation for a healthy relationship.
As it is the OP didn't know one thing that the other three in this "friendship" knew, and something that changed their relationship with each other. To me that kind of secret keeping feels like bullying. Which is a far bigger problem than the sexual issue.

What Bekabeech said.

I would walk away