Hi all,
I'm not a mum but I've seen many threads here from people with problems similar to mine so I hope you won't mind me posting here. Any advice, guidance or thoughts would be gratefully received. I'd also like to start by saying I have come here for genuine advice and not to be judged, I understand the situation I have found myself in is stupid and I have only myself to blame. Nobody could give me a harder time than I am giving myself at the moment. I apologise in advance for the length of this post!
For background, I am in my late twenties and ended a relationship with my partner (also late twenties) of 4 years just under a month ago. The circumstances were far from ideal, but I believe there were valid reasons there.
I have been far from happy with my ex for a long time. We moved in together after a couple of years which is where I think the problems started. He would spend a lot of time out drinking with friends, with a busy job and several other commitments, and I never felt he allowed enough time for me or made me a priority. I also have concerns around the amount he drinks in general, and the fact he does on occasion drink drive (after 3 or 4 pints). He has also on more than one occasion disappeared for an entire night without letting me know where he is. This led to nights of no sleep and a lot of tears, but I am fairly confident he has never cheated on me. He is very dismissive of the idea he has a problem because 'everyone else drinks as much' as him, but I stand by that he does not seem to be capable of enjoying a social occasion without a drink. We have had several rows about this, and the last year of the relationship became fairly volatile and any time we did spend together usually ended in a row, or we would simply both be 'present'. We stopped spending quality time together. This was my fault as much as his, as I would not make the effort to go out places with him (he prefers to go out than stay in the house) and when we were in the house together I would spend a lot of time browsing the internet/social media.
To add to the problem, my ex is not good at discussing an issue, or discussing/showing his feelings. Most arguments will end in him storming out (to the pub usually!) for him to then come back like nothing happened, and nothing ever got resolved. A year after we moved in together an opportunity came up to move in to a new place where we would be able to save money, but the house would only be in his name. While it seemed a good interim arrangement so that we could save to buy, it would mean moving further away from my friends and family and I feared I would become quite isolated. I also feared that if we were to later split up, I would be the one forced to move out so I stood to lose more. He promised that everything would change and we would stay in together more as we would be saving, but in my view this has not happened and if anything became worse. I feel like I have been abandoned in a house I never wanted and spent a lot of my time on my own. I became quite reclused over time and no longer made an effort to go out with friends, I thought if I made plans I would risk being busy on the few occasions he was at home. I realise this was not a healthy way to tackle the problem. There had also been issues around trust over the years, and we have not been intimate for some time. But when things are good, he is a very kind man and indicated to wanting the same future as me (marriage, children etc.) but often seems to act more like he wants the 'lads single life'.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago, I was feeling very badly about our relationship but also felt that I did not have the strength nor desire to leave him. I also did not want to leave the home that we had built together (it was literally just bricks and concrete when we moved in - we kitted it out from start to finish together). I also did not want to walk away from his family; who have treated me like a daughter/sister and would be the absolutely perfect family to marry in to. I ultimately made the stupid decision to start messaging someone he knows (I wouldn't say they were good friends but they are part of the same social group). I don't know what I was expecting or wanting to get out of this, but I certainly did not expect to be in the position I am in now. It started out as complaining about the way my ex treated me, generally flirting, and getting a bit of attention on a purely physical scale. Over time we started to talk every day, for most of the day, started discussing more personal issues and eventually started to meet up. I'd like to note at this point that I have NOT slept with (let's call him) new guy, although I would be lying if I said nothing physical has happened. We built an emotional bond as well as a physical attraction.
This went on for several weeks before I decided to end things with my ex. He was not surprised and did not fight the break up, and he also admitted to knowing I had been talking to someone else as apparently I was not subtle. Although he did not know who he was I admitted at this point that it was someone that he knew. He said that he let this continue without saying anything as he knew he was not making me happy and did not feel able to change anything, so just 'let me get on with it'. He was very reasonable and understanding about the practical arrangements - and said I could stay in the house (sleeping separately) for as long as I needed to, and to compensate for everything I have contributed to the house I could take all of the money we have saved together with me. For the next few weeks I continued to meet up with new guy, and felt so much happier. My ex would not engage in any discussions about our relationship/break up, but instead would go out on many binge drinking sessions often not coming home. He would say he has come to terms with what has happened, but I think he was burying his feelings as usual. I even had to tell his family that we had split up as he avoided speaking to them altogether. To start with his continuing to go out and not making an effort to reconcile did not bother me - it meant I could spend more time speaking to new guy. We made plans to do things together and I really felt like I must have been doing the right thing as I felt so strong about the break up, and content with the idea of continuing my life without him (albeit trying to keep a level head that things may not work out with new guy).
Last week I found somewhere I could afford to live. It’s not my ideal, but it is very close to work and I know I would not find my ideal on my budget. I viewed it and at the point I got home and started making arrangements to submit my application and the reservation fee, I became a mess. I viewed the place on the Friday and cried pretty much all weekend. I could not and still cannot stand the thought of leaving the house on a permanent basis and making a new life; with or without new guy. Having had another very brief discussion with my ex to be told 'I won't be able to change anymore and make you happy', I put the reservation fee down. But I suddenly wished I had taken several people's advice to just go back to my parents' house for space/a less 'permanent' solution before moving completely. I wanted to avoid going back there if I could, as I really wanted to be independent and they live a pigs ear of a drive away from work. But had I known I was going to feel like this I would have taken the option instead of rushing in to moving out completely.
I have been very up front with new guy and told him how I feel, he has been more than understanding of my situation and said he knew what he was getting in to and has always known it was a risk I could get back with my ex. He said I need to think about what is right for me and not do anything I might regret. This is also the reason we have not slept together, as neither of us wanted me to later regret it. He seems to be very fond of me and he would likely get hurt if I was to get back with my ex, which is the last thing I ever wanted to do.
A couple of days ago there was a strong possibility I was spotted with new guy by someone who knows my ex well, so I decided to tell my ex who it was I had been seeing as I did not want him to find out through word of mouth. I was also honest about the fact I had been struggling a lot since reserving the new place, and had been upset about him refusing to communicate with me or show any feelings. He said he already had an inkling who it was I had been seeing, and was more than understanding. He sat down and had a conversation with me about things without shouting for the first time. He told me not to get upset or to feel guilty, as it was his fault it all happened in the first place. He acknowledged that he should have done more in our relationship, but also said that things would not be able to go back to normal between us over night even if we did decide we did not want to split up - and if I did not yet feel comfortable committing to a new place it might be better if I go back to my parents now for a few weeks before the new place is ready, so I can think about things away from the situation before I have to put the full deposit down in a few weeks’ time (currently all I stand to lose is a fairly insignificant amount of money, in the grand scheme of things).
I know he is right. My mum and friends have said the same thing. Even new guy has said I would be better off at my parents. I suppose I will have to try this but I just can't see it resolving the mess in my head. One person who I love dearly, who ticks almost every 'box' for someone to spend my future with, but has treated me badly... Or someone new, risky, who is a little bit older than me, is divorced with a child (which does not bother me but is a complication nonetheless) and does not have the same career prospects as my ex. He is also the complete opposite of my usual 'type'. Yet when we are together I feel a real connection with him, and feel like he 'gets' me. He seems to be a lot more on my page in terms of how much time you should spend with your partner etc. and we have various other values and interests in common. I just have not worked out whether I am clouded by those early day rosy sunglasses. He does not 'tick all the boxes' but I'm not really sure it's the boxes I should be considering.
I know I am stupid to have found myself in this situation. No matter how much my ex and new guy try to comfort me and take blame, I know it is my fault for dragging someone else in to an unhappy relationship. I never thought I would be in the position where I had genuine feelings for two people. The only thing I think I have done right from the start is been honest with all involved. I really do not want to hurt anyone but this no longer seems to be an option.
Does anyone have any similar experience to draw upon? Thank you to those who have taken the time to read this.