How to deal with unreliable Mum

[giraffepickle]

I'm really at a loss with how to move forward with my Mum. My entire life she's been cold, never properly there for me, has never told me she's proud of me following any big achievements and always made me feel second best compared to my sister.

I had an important pregnancy scan today and she agreed to help watch my dc for an hour, this was agreed weeks ago and I spoke to her on Monday to confirm all was ok. A few hours before I was due to leave she's let me down to do something with my sister (nothing important) and DH had to stay home and watch dc.

I know it sounds pathetic but I get so stressed before a scan and I really needed his support. You'd think given I had a previous loss and complications in my previous pregnancy she'd be there to help for once.

I'm just so sad that I don't have that "mother daughter" relationship lots of my friends have with their lovely Mums. I'm very lucky that I have a wonderful MIL but it almost rubs salt in the wound because she didn't even give birth to me and obviously cares more for me than my own Mother.

Any advice? If it wasn't for my Dad I'd happily never see or speak to her again but I sadly can't go nc because of him.

I have a similar relationship with my mother. She was never really interested in my dd and barely spent any time with her or me. I’m still bitter about it now. It hurts. A lot. And like you say, those lovely mum daughter relationships are around you all the time making you feel sad. It’s horrible.

I think you should avoid putting yourself in the position of relying on her when it comes to important stuff. It’s crap I know, but it might help you not to resent her for her failings in that department. Have you tried speaking to her about how she’s making you feel?

My mums like this. She'll actually downright deny offering/agreeing to many things.
I just learned to stop asking her and saying no when she offers any help.

You can have a relationship with your Dad without one with your Mum.

Just see him separately. Don't make a big deal out of it but ask him round to "help" with something or drop in when you know she is out.

My mother and df divorced when I was younger and she remarried a man that didn’t want us around it would seem. Never invited over for meals, Christmas, Easter etc, she barely saw us for over twelve years. And she lives five minutes away. He didn’t speak to his own kids either. She went along with it. He died a couple of years ago and now she’s all over us. But I am REALLY struggling to forgive her for basically abandoning us. I yearn for a lovely caring mother too op. Sorry for hijacking your thread!

My mum is the same. Makes plans and agrees to things and then pulls out at the last minute with feeble excuses. Part of me wishes I could just not bother with her but I don’t have anyone else to rely on. She moved in with a new man leaving me and my sister with my dad while we were still at school.

I’m also envious of other people who have lovely mums who would do anything for them. My advice would be to concentrate on your children and on having that lovely sort of relationship with them that you never had with your own Mum.