How do you know when it’s time to call it quits?

[SingleAgainThen]

I have been with my “DH” for 7 years, married for 5 & am teetering on splitting up.

Two years ago, we started couples counselling as we were constantly arguing & couldn’t communicate properly.

Then he fucked up our company and finances which had obviously been a mess for at least a year that he had kept from me.

Over the last 18 months we’ve slowly tried to build our relationship back but he has pressurised me into getting the sex back on track which I really wasn’t ready for.

Had a lovely few days holiday at the beginning of the year then I’ve found out he’s been spending erratically again & when I challenge him about it, he just shouts & storms about.

I told him over a week ago it was over but now things have calmed down, I’m stressing about whether I made the decision as this impacts the child we have together & my son from a previous relationship.

It’s such a huge decision to make, how can I be sure I won’t regret it? I feel like I’m paralysed by fear of making the wrong decision.

Any sage advice out there?

Made the right decision

The nail in my marriage coffin was when he said when the dc left home we could downsize as it would just be me +him. . Got me the fuck far away.....

Everything else aside, the moment anyone even thought about pressurising me into having sex would have them turfed out the door

I'm in a similar position where I've been wavering about what is the right thing to do. It's very difficult and I totally sympathise. The thing is you want to do what's best for your kids and when things are calm and normal then making the active decision to break up seems unwarranted.

I think you will regret it either way because there will always be what ifs and you won't know. A couple of things in your post stick out:

• you had a lovely few days away
• when confronted he shouts and storms

The days away aren't real life though, the drama and aggression are.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, I really am, it's horrible.

I agree Rebecca, when things are easy, we are great - so the holiday & also at the moment because he is making an effort. However, life isn’t easy & that’s when I think we should come together as a team & we just can’t do that.

Obviously, in the other hand, if we split up - I won’t have a team at all!

You will - but a different team.

It's very early days for me, I've just booked our first appt with the National Family Mediation service. Might be worth looking at their website, there is loads on there: nfm.org.uk

Having said that though it is much easier for me as H left us so I'm not having to share space with him. I really feel for you.

If I'm honest, I couldn't live like your are experiencing. Not knowing whether he is blowing the finances would just be a total nightmare. One aspect of family life isn't about being rich, but knowing you can trust each other to be sensible and not risk financial stability, at least not without both agreeing it

Thanks Marie, that’s kind of where I got to but I suppose I’m hoping the threat of the split (which isn’t a threat, it’s happening right now) will change that.

But to be honest I’m probably just deluding myself because I don’t want to break up my daughter’s home.

And the fact that I will be much worse off financially if we do split in the short term at least.

I just can’t see the wood for the trees.

Shamelessly bumping for evening traffic, he needs an answer by tomorrow because of the potential house he’s got.

Part of me thinks, we just need a break - I offered him to stay in the spare room for a bit & “take a break” without impacting the kids but he was having none of it.

I don’t want to impact my daughter if I don’t need to.

I think I’m just going to work on it again & see what happens then at least I’ll know for sure without regrets.