It's a mess

[thecountdown]

I have name changed as a few people close to me know my username and nobody knows about this.

I have had a hugely difficult time health wise, family wise and mentally before and of this.

I am getting married in a couple of weeks and apart from what I expect to be the usual w didn't jitters I had been planning and looking forward to it immensely
That changed last weekend.

To avoid drip feeding - DP has admitted he has a problem with alcohol in the past but it has only been a problem once before we were engaged..also he has not been interested in sex with me for weeks and regularly turns me down.

Last Friday, DP went to a job interview and as I've been very unwell lately I asked if he would come straight home. I fell asleep at around 8pm (he should have been back imminently) and woke up at 2am to a text sent at 9;30 saying that they had gone to dinner and would be back ASAP. Yet it was 2am!!

I called a few times and eventually he answered absolutely off his face. I told him not to come back.

Around an hour later I hear banging and I'm ashamed to say I ignored it all, the banging, shouting, pebbles at the window, and he even happy went away.

I woke up at 8am to discover he was asleep in the garage, he was freezing cold, still a bit drunk and was a mess so I got him clean warm clothes and a hot drink.

I decided to just move on after a few hours, after all dinner turning to drinks isn't uncommon

But this is where I feel sick.

He was on our bed reading something on his phone when I got mad took it off him and saw he had been watching porn. He took the phone away and started deleting everything from it. I freaked out and went ballistic.

So. Right now we are acting normal, he apologised etc and we have had sex since but I just don't feel right. I don't know why he would want to hurt me, why he would stay out, why he would choose porn over real life sex.

I feel like a fucking cliche and I just don't know how to move forward.

The best way of finding out is to ask him,
Is he really choosing porn over a real sex life? Porn is usually used during self love. Which if we’re all honest we all do.
Your relationship Is obviously going through a rough patch, with his added alcohol problems you should sort this out before you get married. He stayed out because his need to drink is stronger than fighting it and he needs treatment. I don’t believe it was purely to hurt you. Addiction is selfish but it’s not purposely done to hurt someone else.
Things won’t change for the better when you get married like a switch, it will Continue, so you can feel exactly the same as you do now over a future incident.
If you don’t like this behaviour I would suggest you put your wedding on hold and try to help him sort himself out. That is if he wants to...

Thank you so much @Wetwashing00. You have said what I think but with such clarity

He does want help, he admits he has a problem and I believe what you said about self love is screamingly obvious considering the circumstance. Thank you.

I know it might seem to others that putting the wedding on hold is a bit drastic, but to help You decide if that is what you should do,
Imagine you are already married to him, and it’s a few years down the line and he’s staying out more often and the alcohol abuse is more frequent. Would you regret marriage? Most people say being married is not that different than being together, the only difference is that if you were married you couldn’t walk away with no ties if you wanted to. If you know you would continuesly help & support him no matter what then go ahead and get married. Work it out together, but be prepared for ups/downs.
Addiction is a monster, it’s sometimes not as easy as wanting to stop and having the help right in front of your face.