How to stop caring about what people think?

[celebrate30]

I have social anxiety & very low self esteem. I can't hold a conversation with anyone & I know I make people feel uncomfortable, I have tried to fit in with the mums in school which lasts for a week or two, then they decide I'm not part of the gang & go for coffee etc without inviting me. I want to fit in but I don't know how. I just want to stop caring about how I am perceived & learn to accept me however the upsetting thing is that my children are also being excluded from playdates as I don't fit in with the others box... Upset but want to stop caring & get on with my life, I am thinking of stopping social media.. I also find I do alot of texting/messaging to the mums in an effort to fit in be part of the group but maybe I just come accross as needy...

Oh, this is sad to read 😕 Do the school mums know you have anxiety? Personally, I have found it quite helpful to tell people (obviously I don’t go round shouting about it, but might mention it reasonably early on in a conversation with someone new that I am likely to see again).

By sharing that aspect of myself, I have been able to discover a group of school mums in which I can fit. Some of them have MH problems too, some don’t, but all of them are accepting and non-judgemental.

You say you want to ‘fit in’. Do you mean you want to be part of a popular group? Or do you mean that you’d like more friends in general? They aren’t the same thing. It’s quite possible to find more friends who might also be socially anxious. Are there other school mums in smaller groups or standing alone that you might feel able to approach?

I really feel for you and hope that you can find a nice friendship group in time.

Definitely give up social media if you can. I came off FB last year and it was amazingly freeing. I'm still on Twitter but I've culled massively.

Also, yes, cut down on the texting if you can.

I think it's a change of mind-set to be honest which can be very hard to achieve. I grew up in a house where appearances were everything so I assumed everyone else was judging me the way I was encouraged to judge other people. It was a light-bulb moment for me when I realised that no-one actually noticed or gave a shit about me. Those who did notice and judge me, did so for a few seconds and then moved on with their life.

I also started to really think about whose opinion I actually care about and realised I actually, genuinely give no shits about almost anyone's opinion.

Making a list of people whose opinion matters to you is very cathartic and, hopefully, should take you seconds. For each person on the list, ask yourself why do I care about their opinion? and what are the consequences of them having a bad opinion of me? and does this matter? So, finally is it valid that I care about their opinion?

Example: I care about my colleagues' opinion of me.
Why? Because I want them to see me as competent at my job
Consequences: They'll think I'm shit, report me to my boss and I'll get fired
Valid: Not really as the chances of them reporting me AND then me getting fired are quite low. Plus, if I am going to care about their opinion I should only care about their opinion about my work, not my hair, my personality, my clothes, my hobbies etc....

I'm grateful for the reply, thank you. No the other moms don't know about my anxiety, the school itself is very cliquey & they all seem to no each other. I have tried so hard but I just don't fit in, I just want to stop caring & worrying about the school runs, I want to breeze up, drop & go...

court I think that's a really good technique.

It is pretty normal to worry how others see us, and I think it's good to accept that. We live in a society and even people who don't care much about other people's opinions still care to some extent - otherwise, it would be carnage.

The main thing is just to have confidence but obviously that can be difficult. I used to worry a lot about what people at work thought of me. I really wondered how other people could just take massive risks by doing new things and not worry about being shouted at or something. But then I just tried doing some new stuff anyway and actually there were some consequences but generally no one gave a shit and in the end, everyone adopted the new stuff I had done. So it really wasn't as big a deal as I thought it was.

Same with friendships. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there. I know I can come off as aloof, and I think that is something pretty normal for people who are anxious, so I have just accepted that I might have to be the one to almost always make the effort. Kind of sucks but otherwise people tend to think I don't really like them.

Self-acceptance is key. It's ok to be an anxious person or a control freak (within limits) or shy or whatever. None of those things are inherently bad.

I also really recommend building your life up with things that give you confidence - read a lot or watch a lot of movies or do hobbies or whatever. Anything that builds an inner life away from other people, so you develop a real sense of who you are. I think that is what really saved me from going mad when I couldn't make friends because of my social anxiety.

I wonder how old you are OP, (though feel free to tell me to mind my own business!)

I have found that, for me, a quiet self-assurance has come with age. I don’t really know why or how it happens, but I no longer feel that I particularly want or need to fit in, or look the part.

I hope you will find that happens for you too.

Bless you OP
I've always thought wouldn't it be great if someone could just bottle confidence and sell it in the shops
I think you've had some really good advice on here and I doubt I could give better.
I will say though that trying to fit in with the mum's at school is probably not a good idea for you. If you already have anxiety and low self esteem then being in a cliquey group of friends is not going to do you any favours. Especially if you are the newbie who isn't already close to anyone. It could leave your self esteem lower than before as you might find yourself in quite a bitchy environment.
I would say the same as a pp, try and get to know some of the mum's who are alone or don't really talk to anyone. Maybe you can find a new hobby or a class to get involved in and find people there?
Ultimately it really isn't important what other people think of you! I mean this in the nicest possible way but honestly random people really don't care anywhere near as much as you think they do. They are probably too busy worrying about what other people think of them to be honest.
I think the idea of making a list of people who's opinion actually matters is a really good idea!
Chin up, you sound like a really lovely person

Bless you. It sounds like so many of us are in this situation.
It's always the quiet ones that get left out in my opinion.

Do you know who you are? Everything you've written about yourself is negative.

Here's a trick. Imagine someone had to describe you, looks, personality, behaviour to someone else. The person likes you a lot, everything they say is positive. What do they say?

Think about you would like them to say. What do you aspire to be? What is your best self?

When you know yourself and act true to your best self that's when you feel confident and strong, when you don't care what others think.

Often that comes with age and experience but you can shortcut by thinking and experimenting (to gain experience).

Started that excercise very helfpful.
What I did find is that the types of friends I attract are "queen bee" types, very outgoing, head of group etc, they win my trust & I think we are friends through playdates etc & suddenly I am banished to the peripehery, I always end up on the outside looking in.
I am polite, friendly so aware of not saying the wrong think & offending people & I always just seem to rub people up the wrong way. I need to stop caring as I have to see the current group & queen bee everyday. What upsets me most is that my dc & theirs had playdates which my dc enjoyed immensely & they just stopped all of a sudden with no explanation. I invited them round to ours but was told sharply "we have plans"... Dc are as confused as me. I'm tired of it, it's as if they see my lack of self esteem & play on it, I just need some tactics to appear breezy & confident & nonchalent so I can get through the school runs... hate feeling like this. Also what upsets me most is these same mums are the ones who bang on about "mindfullness & instilling kindness in their kids" but who then behave like playground bullies... I'm sick of trying to get people to like me & try to fit in, no matter how hard I try I just get excluded...

Shamelessly bumping sorry...:(

If you had just one true and proper friend, I think that you would care less about being in with the in crowd. Is there anyone (not the queen bees) that you think you could make a real friend of?

I would join groups such as Brownies/scouts where you can turn up and join in without having to 'qualify'. Perhaps you could volunteer as a helper ? Just make lighthearted chit chat with others during the session then go home having enjoyed an hour or so in casual company - no pressure to be excepted as you are there as a member :-)

Please don’t look at fitting in with a bunch of cliquey mums in the school playground, that’ll send you over the edge

These are NOT the type of people that will raise your confidence or self esteem. They are all vying for positions themselves. As PP have said, find a mum/mums who aren’t part of the ‘popular’ crowd.

And don’t let ‘mindfulness’ fool you into thinking these are kindly folk, it’s just trendy like a kale smoothie

I don't honestly think mums at school are the best people to try to be friends with. Great if it works, sure, but tbh, the only thing you may really have in common is having dc of a similar age.

You might be better trying to make friends through an activity or class or MeetUp group, where there's a shared interest and playground politics don't enter into it.

I was talking to dh tonight & he convinced with that as smashingly beautiful as I am (his words!!!!) we just don't fit the mould, no ski holidays, very old car, we live in a flat . No matter how hard I try to be accepted we are just not one of the group. I do need to up my self esteem. I can't join clubs as my dh works evenings & weekends so I have my dc around the clock which is fine by me, I enjoy them so so much I just wish I was more accepted at the school & my dc also.
My kids talk so highly about kids at school, I ask the parents about arranging a playdate & am always met with "oh we have plans" but i have heard them arranging playdates & parties with other parents.. It's soul destroying as it's affecting our dc as well.. I wish I knew how to thicken my skin but now I have accepted that I'll always be on the outside..

This stage of playdates and stuff is short. In senior school you can hardly know who any of the parents are and they organise their own social lives.

Get them into Brownies/Cubs/beavers or whatnot so they meet different children and have a wider social set.

I think you should try to get yourself some time without the dc to pursue an interest independently - you're not going to be able to address your social anxiety and low self-esteem by hiding behind them/your dh's work situation. It'd give you something new to talk about and again a wider social pool.

I'm sad you feel this way. I remember feeling similar but I learnt over time that the apparent friendship groups were just an illusion.

There was one mum who stood alone every day at pickup time a bit apart from where everyone else seemed to gather. I took to standing nearer her than the others. We got chatting. 30 years later we are still firm friends and we have become an integral part of their wide social circle as they are part of ours. Be brave, look around and see who doesn't follow the herd. That is where to set your cap with a smile.

Is it that the kids your dc like just happen to be the ones with the cliquey mums? If so, why not try asking the dc which other kids they like outside of that group you've already tried, and try inviting some different children for play dates? Depends how big the school classes are I suppose, ours have 30 kids in each so there are always plenty of different children for them to explore friendships with, and yes there are always a few cliquey mums in each class but the majority of parents are all different types of people.

Also agree with trying to join groups outside of school if you can't go to any adult ones by yourself, can you join any family groups or activities that you and the kids can go to together? Or could the kids try joining some groups where they will make some new friends outside of the school clique? This could then lead to play dates and maybe new friendships with other parents outside of school for you as well. Again I guess it depends what you have available where you live, might be worth a look though x