“Wedding Anniversary” card and flowers from ExH

[M0RVEN]

Today would have been our wedding anniversary, IF we were still married. But we separated three years ago ( at his instigation ). Not yet divorced due to our financial situation.

This morning I’ve received flowers and a lovey dovey card on my doorstep. This has completely creeped me out.

We still have a lot of dealings with each other. Not out of my choice but because we have three school aged children and we own a business together where we both still work. I hate this and we have tried several times to sell it without success. The only alternative is for one of us to walk away, be unemployed and give the other most of our assets. We dont have enough cash to buy each other out.

So most of the time we manage to have reasonably civil dealings about the kids and work. Of course he’s still the same ( not very nice ) person and it’s often stressful.

We are not “friends” by any stretch of the imagination. He doesn’t exchange even the basic courtesies that you would to a colleague eg “ How was your holiday ? “ or “ Sorry to hear that your mother is unwell”.

We have no personal conversations at all.

He’s never nice or kind to me in any way. He often does small nasty things to hurt me , which I try to ignore. These are mostly based around letting down the kids.

Last week he was particularly nasty to me, he’s very clever about it and usually hides it well from others. But this time even the kids picked it up and our 11 year old was in tears and took issue with him about it.

We don’t exchange gifts at Christmas or birthdays (actually he never even bought me gifts when we were married ).

We have zero physical contact - not even a pat on the arm. The thought of him touching me actually makes me shudder.

So why do I have flowers and card which says

“ to my wife on our anniversary” with these words inside

the joys we’ve known the times we’ve shared
the many things we’ve done,
Have given me such happiness I treasure everyone
and through the years that we have shared
our love has grown to be
the dearest most important thing in all the world to me. “

WTAF????

I don’t love him. I have to work hard not to hate him. I aspire to indifference.

What do I do about this ?

Ignore it. He's trying to get under your skin. Don't mention it or react to it at all.

Send him a photo of it on fire. Weirdo.

I’d say ignore. It’s a mind game

I think he’s trying to make you crack so you find it unbearable to work with him.

Don't even acknowledge it to him, bin the card and flowers.

Send him a photo of it on fire. Weirdo.

What a weirdo.

You’d have to be unhinged to do this!

That's insane. And I don't blame you for being seriously creeped out by it.

Ignore it. He's unlikely to mention it so just pretend it didn't happen. If he does mention it, just give him a blank look.

The whole situation sounds awful, you must be exhausted and battered by it. Can you look for another job so you have an alternative and your own income? Surely it's worth a lot to be able to walk away from the business and your horrible ex.

Is there a chance he paid a florist in advance to do the same thing every year and has forgotten to cancel? Have you had similar on previous years?

If not, very creepy.

Sorry this post did make me laugh. How bloody bizarre - could he be being sarcastic? Did he buy you flowers when you where together?
How did you handle it at work today?

What ohlittlepea said. Fucknut.

Glad it’s not just me. My first thought was that he needs to see a psychiatrist.

But I always go though this guilt trip thing of “ have I done anything to encourage him / mislead him “. Even though I know that I haven’t .

A few weeks ago he made a comment about how much work it was to his own washing / cooking / cleaning / shopping and occasionally look after his own children. I said that was strange because when I did it he said it was nothing . He then “ yeah maybe we could get back together then” .

I was gobsmacked. I asked him if he was seriously suggesting that he could move back in for the domestic servicing ????

“ No” he said “ not just that. Maybe we could , you know, go out together a couple of times a year . You know I still...er...love you “.

I knew it was just a taunt to wind me up to give him 100 reasons why our marriage failed. To which he wouldn’t mostly say I can’t prove / he doesn’t remember .

I managed to just walk away and later I was annoyed with myself for engaging with him at all. He’s a manipulator and very passive aggressive. You know the kind who think they cant possibly be abusive because they have a degree and don’t hit you.

Flissfloss - you might be right. He’s very difficult at work but its not as bad as it could be because he doesn’t want everyone to see what an arse he is. Im sure that people notice but of course they cant say anything because he has a lot more power than me at work and could make their lives difficult. Basically the same as he does with me.

He's reminding you you're still "his", no matter that your legal status is.

Do not engage any more than you have to

Weirdo. If it was just left in the doorstep and you are sure he wasn't around watching I would deny all knowledge.

He’s trying to look like the good guy, to your oldest. He’ll ask her if ‘mummy’ got the cards and flowers. This has very little, in his eyes, to do with you and more to do with trying to manipulate your daughter. She has seen him for what he is and he’s shiting himself, because he knows that it’s only a matter of time before the youngest realise. If he can get her onside, then he thinks his nice guy act has worked. He’s a prick.

No I’ve not had similar in previous years. He delivered it himself , not from a florist. It’s from Asda.

And he has written in the card , something like ‘this is how I feel about you “ .

I posted the verse inside so you could see how a weird it was . And also so you could admire the beautiful poetry of course 🤔🤔

Oh, OP. Horrible situation. You're doing well to not engage with him much at all. Very wise.

Agree, don't react at all to flowers (although Peas fire idea is genius and very tempting!).

He has a degree of malevolence in him that makes me think you really really need distance from him so I really feel for you being tied with the business.

Is it possible to cut your losses and start again away from him? I take it you've seen a solicitor and there's really nothing you can do but walk away with nothing?

Might also do no harm to take a note of when these things happen in case it starts to feel like harassment territory, if you think it necessary.

Not saying it is or trying to be alarmist - you'll know the situation. Think I'm just being over cautious. It's a 'just in case maybe' really. You certainly shouldn't have to put up with his crap.

Malevolent is a very good word for him, damson. With a charming exterior.

Yes I’ve taken legal advice, I’d get some money from the business but then I’d have to buy him out the house and I’d have no job. And he would pay no child support.

I don’t need to tell you how hard it is to get a decent job that supports three kids plus childcare and pays a mortgage , when you’ve been self employed for years . One child has SN too.

It’s a very niche sector and he has the highly marketable skills while I do all the grunt work in the background . I know it’s a familiar story. Sigh.

Goodness, ok, really is an impossible situation but sounds like you're coping with as well as anyone possibly could. You've certainly got the measure of him which will serve you well no doubt. Wish you are your kids all the very best.

Thank you damson.

I think it’s a combination of mind games and trying to look good in front of the kids. Thanks to the posters who suggested that. I will get them out the house before they see them.

Even after three years, my default setting is to think that it’s my fault somehow.

Or that I’m misreading it and he’s trying to be “nice”. Although picking the kids up on time would be a better idea.

Wow - think about a non-molestation order perhaps?

My STBXW hasn't got keys to my house, but comes to collect our daughter who clearly let her in, on 15th February I found a valentines day card under my pillow, I've got a new girlfriend. My ex came into the house against my wishes, and violated my bedroom and my bed..... she didn't see this as wrong whatsoever, so I threatened her with an NMO and she got the point,

Ew, creepy. I would work on saying 'right, ok' when he says these things to you, as if he's just told you he's a giraffe or James Bond or something and you're humouring him but not engaging.

Valentines card under you pillow is well creepy MrSandman. Hope you found it before your GF

@MrSandman

Very creepy of your STBXW.

OP...Your Ex is something else Weirdo and sneaky with it. Wanting a housemaid.