At the end of my tether feel desperate please help

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I love my DH dearly. We have been married for about 2 years and are TTC out first child. In that time Ice had 3 mcs. Today we found out the cause- DH has high sperm DNA fragmentation.

The consultant said this can be reduced through lifestyle changes and supplements but DH is already pretty healthy.

I'm panicking and scared that I will miss my chance to have children. I can't cope with more miscarriages. DH is saying he won't even do ICSI IVF as he thinks if his sperm isn't healthy enough we shouldn't try to have a child.

He is out and out adamant he won't consider a sperm donor and I can't see him changing his mind.

What can I do? I'm desperate for a baby. I'm 34. It feels so wrong that I'm fertile and could have a baby but can't. When I say desperate I mean it's consuming me- I need to have a baby at the same time my DH is the best thing in my life I love him to pieces. All I want is for him to say he's open to options and would consider ICSI or a donor sperm if it came to it but he is refusing.

What would you do in my situation please help me.

I think your dh needs you to tell him that you love him, that it's not his fault, that you'll talk through the options in a few days once he's processed the fact that he can't naturally give you what you most want in the world.

He only found out today and must be reeling. I hope you haven't told him you think it's unfair.

I have no experience for you op but I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time

Can you consider adoption? If not, I would leave.

I am with your husband though - I am happy that other people have a possibility of fighting infertility but I believe if I cannot conceive a baby and carry it to the full term without medical intervention, then I shouldn't have one. And if I was to have a baby I would most likely than not need an IVF, so I sort of understand where your DH is coming from. I'm not even religious so my stance on this does not come from the church.

Your needs shouldn't trump his feelings about the issue. Not everyone can love the baby conceived with donor sperm. You need to respect that.

Of course I haven't told him I think it's unfair. I've been cuddling him and telling him I love him which I do- more than ever.

I'm panicking because he seems to be of the mindset that if it doesn't happen naturally then he doesn't want to pursue any other options- I can't accept that.

@Viviene he won't consider adoption.

Do some reading about how it can be reduced and see if there are any changes you can make to diet and lifestyle. Maybe then set a time limit of 6-12 months trying with these changes before moving on, if necessary to ICSI or IVF.

Sperm donation is obviously not something your husband wants, but I honestly think you are thinking too far ahead.

The diagnosis was only today, take a few days to let it sink in. I am sorry for your disappointment and hope things work out well for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
My immediate thoughts on this are that you have only just found out today so it's all pretty raw and he will need time to take it all in. I can guess that being told straight away that you want to try with another man's sperm is pretty bruising for his masculinity/ego. You would likely feel horrible if the problem were your eggs and your husband told you straight away he wants another woman's eggs. I know I would need time to take it all in and my partner steamrolling me with their desperation would really hurt.
My advice would be to take a break from baby talk, have a year or so to just be a couple and let the pain heal. In that time he could then feel strong enough and secure enough to start to consider your wishes. At the same time you could think about what it could potentially mean for your relationship if he still refuses. Would it be a dealbreaker? Would you consider adopting?
I wish you both all the best. I hope things work out for you 💜

@inamechangedforthispost I know you're right we've got this diagnosis and I'm panicking (inwardly I might add). DH and I had the donor sperm/ egg conversation weeks ago when I thought I may be he problem and he wouldn't consider either and I said I was fine with donor egg or sperm.

The thing is the ICSI IVF is the fertility treatment for this and he is saying he won't do it. The other complication is that I have a low ovarian reserve and although I can conceive easily now I don't have time to waste.

I don't know whether I should consider freezing my eggs or something or if that's just a waste of time and money.

The only thing you can really do in the short term is plenty of reading to find out what lifestyle changes may help. You don't need the added pressure of disagreements about ICSI or donors at this time.

I would have a search for stories of others that have been in your position and hopefully the many success stories that I'm sure you'll find will help you feel positive and optimistic.

Hi OP,

We couldn't have children (one failed pregnancy after years of trying) but we both agreed adoption or egg/sperm donor wasn't for us as we both felt strongly that any child wouldn't be "ours". Whether that's right or wrong, perhaps that is how your DH feels?

We were ineligible for IVF due to age (I was only 37!) and weren't in a position to fund it ourselves so that wasn't an option. The miscarriage seemed all the more cruel as it was the only time we conceived and put us back to square one for a while with the monthly "hope". BUT here we are in our fifties, just the two of us, and still very happy together and having lots of fun. Of course being parents would have been the icing on the cake but us as a couple was as important as us a family.

It's very early days for your DH so try to let the dust settle before asking him to perhaps reconsider ICSI. He will be feeling very raw right now and his masculinity will have taken a massive hit so give him some time come to terms with that first.

for you.

@DontCallMeCharlotte

Thank you for sharing your story, it's nice to hear you and your DH are happy. I'm sorry about your MC.

I adore my DH he is my world and this news breaks my heart because he is desperate to be a dad and he would be so wonderful at it.

We are both in shock at the moment. The emotion I'm struggling with im at the moment is how unfair this all seems. Did you go through anything like that? I keep thinking "if only" and that other people happily have a family and share that with their partner. I hate seeing him so down.

Ah yes the unfairness... all my siblings have at least three if not four children, as do some of their children, a fair amount unplanned. And it breaks my heart even now because DH is so brilliant with kids and would have made such a great dad and we were in such a good position to bring up children. But I have learned to put those feelings in a securely locked box and not go there. But i do remember sobbing "Why can't we just be NORMAL??".

I hope it's not the end of your potential parenthood journey. Maybe you need to take a diversion for a while as someone suggested above.

It is bloody unfair and seems to happen to some of the least deserving people.

PM me if you like. I'd be happy to let you rant x

Hi op.
I don't know if my experience could possibly help?
We went through 2 failed ivf /icsi cycles before being told that my eggs were just not healthy enough. It broke my heart and when the doc said that our best option would be donor egg, I flat out refused. I remember discussing it with my husband saying how I wanted MY child- not someone else's.
The dust settled and I talked to a select few people about my feelings then one day realised that the donor thing wasn't such a big deal. Any baby I brought into this world would be a product of pure love and I knew that it wouldn't change a thing that he/she was from de.
2 years and 2 cycles later I gave birth to my perfect baby- a product of a donor egg. I know with all my heart that I couldn't love her any more than I do. It was the best decision I ever made.
Give your husband time. It's hard realising that the genetic connection won't be there but with time he might just do as I did and open his mind and his heart to donor conception.
I hope he does. Xx