Advice and tough love needed from wise Mumsnetters

[yogagirl22]

I am having a lot of trouble moving fwd with my life.
So as not to drip feed I had four and a half years with STBXH due to his online porn/women and escort addiction.
I finally (after several chances and my mental health and losing my job) left and moved into a friends flat. (she had moved in with her partner)
It was difficult, but then very soon after (too soon after) I went into a relationship with a guy I used to work with. He always intended to live abroad so I did not have any expectations of it amounting to anything.
Once I had got profit from the marital house sale, I paid my rent and bills upfront for a year so my 21 one year old was secure and I then went travelling with him for 3 months.
Sadly all of the grief etc from my marriage come up during this time and we parted ways albeit amicably. He rejected me (understandably) but after being rejected by Husband this was extremely difficult. Especially as I developed feelings for him. So I left him and came back home.
Since coming home I am at a loss what to do, I am struggling with grief and regret. I am paralysed with sadness. I am scared that I am having another breakdown (last one 2017).
My RL friends are losing patience with me and cant understand why I cant pull my life around.
I should be grateful, I have no immediate financial concerns, a cosy home and good friends. But I feel like I have lost everything.
I lost my Husband, my beautiful home and career, also a potential partner because I wasnt ready.
But this is where I need your wise input; I dont feel ready to settle down with a 9 to 5 and a mortgage for the next 20 years living hand to mouth, coming home having dinner and eventually being lured into OLD sites due to loneliness. I have spent all of my adult life looking after kids and useless men, I have no responsibilities in the immediate future although I am aware I need to get my life sorted.
I want to travel for a bit - go and volunteer abroad and just get over what I have been through (nearly 5 years of HELL)
But my friends just think I am running away from my problems and I need to get real. I have assured them I will only spend a little of my security money until I get on my feet. But they insist that I should face up to my problems and learn how to happy single.
What should I do?? I feel like I need some time out to heal and get my confidence back and have a bit of an adventure on my own? Am I just finding it hard settling back after already being away? Should I just conform and get on with life here?
I had my 2 kids very young and never got the opportunity to discover who I really am. If I dont do this will it be a lifelong regret? Or am I just doing a cliche mid life crisis event?
Any thoughts and advice would be really welcome as I am really torn. I help my friends out a lot when I in the right headspace so I guess you could say they have an agenda to get me to stay here?
Anyone else been through this? :)

Stuff your friends, they’re just jealous that they’re not in a position (or don’t have the courage) to pack it all in and have an adventure. You have one life, so do whatever you choose with it. If you don’t go you’ll regret it. If you do, you may also regret it, but you can always come back early!

Honestly, I’m thinking the same thing. My DCs are 11-18 so I have a few years before I can escape, but the hanging around, trying to be happy single and then giving in and resorting to OLD out of loneliness is feeling inevitable . Wish I could come with you!

I say do it! When my marriage broke down I immediately booked flights to Vietnam. One of the best things I ever did.

Your mental health sounds very fragile at the moment and I think it would be a mistake to go travelling at this moment in time.

I think one needs to be in a strong and positive frame of mind to go travelling alone as being a long way from home. friends and a routine can be a mental challenge.

Why not concentrate on getting yourself feeling better and then travel. See your GP, get some counselling, be healthy, find yourself some short term work, and set yourself some targets to go travelling in a year or so.
Hope it all works out for you

Thank you both for responding, its really hard isnt it? After I came back before there was no interest in what I had done just a ' well that should be out of your system now, crack on''...
But it has given me wanderlust and made me see that there are other lifestyles out there if we choose.
I worked all of my adult life bringing up family and obtaining all the material possessions that society says make us a success. Where did it get me? I ended up with nothing, all of that effort time and money amounted to very little. It was temporary at best. I managed to live without all of that when I went travelling, it is amazing how little you need. But peace of mind is priceless.
I am in no hurry to rejoin the ratrace I guess. I am no hurry to be in a relationship I still have very strong feeling for recent partner and I have lost faith and hope in ever having a successful relationship again, as I have been hurt so many times. Also the chances of meeting someone who you like, likes you and is not on the rebound themselves or has massive baggage and issues seems like a lottery.
My arguement to my friends is that I need to get away and rebuild my self esteem and work on my codependency issues and why I attract such poor choices in men. I would look to get going on my career again but even a job rejection at the moment would set me back. I am in limbo... For rhe first time in my life I do not need babysitters or money and I am squandering my precious time waiting for something to change. Believe me I have fought, gone walking, seen friends, tried to stay grounded and be content, but I just feel so sad. I dont want to end up bitter, desperate and lonely but feel like that is already happening. I dont want a mad travelling experience, or even recapture my youth, just a chance to find out what I want and need and to not make any more stupid mistakes. My thinking if I got my mojo back I could replace any money I spend travelling as I will come back feeling more normal?
Has anyone else got anything to add? Thank you in advance :)

I think that to travel alone you need to be very confident and happy in your own skin. I wouldn’t go right now if it was me. Take maybe a year to just be in your own company and learn to enjoy it. Be sociable, spent time with your family, have a holiday, just relax and have a year of calm reflection. Come to terms with what you’ve been through. My DSis went abroad to teach after her marriage broke down. It was an emotional and financial mistake (well disaster really). You can reconsider at new year maybe and see how you feel then

How about shorter term plans closer to home? You could go away and do some volunteering or visit a retreat based in the UK so you're near friends and family if you are feeling lonely or fragile.

Thanks Godowneasy that is very wise too. Yes I guess I could postpone it but I been counselling and taking it slow route and guess I getting impatient?
I was going to go to a retreat place that offers support and does healing activities so not looking to go on a mad one on my own? I spent the last half of my last trip on my own and it was isolating and I wished I had booked myself into a retreat then, but at the time was hoping my ex would change his mind about me, and we could finish the trip together (he didn't). So that was a regret. Perhaps I could work on a few changes in the meantime but really don't know what else to do...

Thanks Aminuts23 for your input, your poor sister yes it made me think again...
Lastoftheusernames that a good idea and not so drastic. I guess I feel like I need to make something happen, I really stagnating here.
What have other people done to move on? I done the counselling/ read books/ tried absorbing hobbies/exercise but still feel flat?
I wonder if I am actually depressed or reacting badly to all of the events over the last 5 years. I am wondering now if anything I do will make a difference. I feel permanently scarred. The last relationship was very hard as although brief really felt like it was done? I am through with relationships at the moment but how to fill the hours at the weekend when all of your friends are at home with partners/kids/working? I written a plan B here but dont seem able to put it into any sort of action. Today I just been on the sofa listening to relaxation music and feeling very alone...

I say go for it. You can heal and learn to love yourself while travelling and having new experiences. Why not?

Set yourself a few ground rules (no relationships?)and have a contingency plan. Good luck whatever you do.

The idea of doing something locally for a bit is a good one- sounds like you need some temporary scaffolding in place to prepare for something else. Have a look at the do- it for good website, or national trust, or a charity you are interested in? Also maybe you do need time on the sofa to regroup.

Hi op

A couple of things strike me about your posts

The first being that you have spent your whole life looking after and out for others
When all that suddenly stops, it leaves a huge vacuum, where as some people can heave a sigh of relief, your lost.

The other thing is that I wonder if you have ever been alone long enough to find out who you are? This sort of question takes a lifetime to learn the answers, and as they say in therapy its a journey not a race.

Your friends see you free and financially secure, they can't see past that because it's what they seek themselves. But your lost all you can see is time on your hands, and no idea how to fill it, it might also be that you feel you don't deserve to have this time for yourself.

You don't have to have big plans, it's ok to just sit and be still, I imagine it's quite a novelty for you at the moment. I say take some time out, have a Google around and see if anything catches your eye locally.

Start small and see where it goes, you don't have to please anyone, oh and guilt is a waste of emotion, it doesn't serve any purpose.

Ah Guiltypleasures001 .... your reply made me cry.. Thank you for your kindness and your wise words. Very true too, I have a huge void in me I even worked in education and health and social care. I have known nothing else but to look after others all my adult life. I will have to learn to look after myself in every way and that scares me but I have to do that. I have been taking long walks to feel grounded and just breathe, that has helped for me to think? These replies have been very helpful and given me a different perspective x