AIBU to be a bit scared?
I was admitted to hospital last week with severe abdominal pain thought to be appendicitis or kidney stones. Not the first time its happened by a long shot - that sort of severe griping pain.
Surgeon said there is a thought that I do have endometriosis and interstitial cystitis - and there's definitely abnormal bladder/urethral anatomy at play - however he said they think a very large part is psychological, because I have had frequent painful gynae intervention all my life (eg internals as a child, traumatic labiaplasty at 20), because there was suspicision I was being sexually abused as a child (not proven and not remembered by me, but I sometimes think something did happen) and because of attitudes to sex in my family (my mum was raped twice as a teen, again by my dad, and badly abused numerous times as a wee girl).
I've been diagnosed with vaginismus and pelvic floor dysfunction (as well as dyspraxia so muscles aren't good anyway - neck, shoulders and core muscles are crap/weak). They think muscles and nerves are now over reacting as a protective relfex - guarding, or something.
Have to go and get urodynamics and probably a cystoscopy too and potentially looking at bladder surgery in the future too.
Got a letter and leaflet saying I've an appointment with sexual problems clinic which would include an internal/speculum etc, and a chat about how this affects me dsy to day. Probably get given dilators too. Not sure what else. Probably get me to self examine in a mirror I guess. Clinic also deals with erection difficulties and inability to orgasm, so guess it's mainly for people who are in a sexual relationship.
I'm a virgin, at 26, I've never had sex and find it hard to understand that anyone could want to as it just sounds sore. I can do stuff to myself but don't enjoy it iyswim. Always sore and feels wrong.
I do self catheterise sometimes for chronic retention and am on high doses of opiods, have had to have oramorph, diazepam and lidocaine patches etc before. So whatever's wrong does affect me every single day.
I don't know how to begin again with a total stranger. I've recently put a long complaint into NHS over previous treatment - I've had 'help' before at 18 when a doctor asked me to feel my clitoris in front of her so I could understand what it was, and then again at 24 or so, which was therapy done in a room with gynae couch and constant 'we definitely will be doing another internal/speculum, maybe today' , etc so as to 'expose' to phobia - was horrendous. Got dilators on NHS which had a sharp seam to them - ended up with a cut inside and thrush.
I think I'm half worried this is me forever and half that it will be as bad as last time.
I've finally managed to admit to someone (my aunty) about it all and she was v v understanding and said will listen any time, and advise if she can. Only relative I know who seems happily married and appears body confident. She has had gynae issues too. But seems wrong somehow to tell her these things , maybe she doesn't want to know.
Used to speak to my GP too who was v concerned about it all and tried to give me sex education 
.
I want to be normal and stop being sore but I'm so worried about what help they can/will offer and what I might have to do to feel better about myself. I know I can phone aunty after (to some extent - she said it is always best to talk but I am not convinced!) and my mum too.. just so worried it won't help.