I'm going to have to cut contact with him aren't I?

[sharkirasharkira]

Dp and I have been together for about 4 1/2 years.

About 6 months ago we split up but we got back together about a month ago and have decided to move forward and start really planning a future together, wedding etc.

During the time we were broken up I met someone else, we went out on a few dates and spent one night together. I really liked him, we got on really well and we had a lot in common but I was a bit concerned that he was too young for me and that we were at too different stages of our lives - I want a serious relationship and a future with someone and I got the impression that he was not ready for all that.

He now knows I am back with Dp and although he was initially upset he seems to now be ok with us maintaining a friendship. We still talk occasionally but only in a completely platonic way.

Dp knows about him and what happened between us and does not want me to have any contact with him any more. I completely understand why, and if the situation were reversed I would probably feel the same. Part of me thinks he has no right to dictate who I can and can't be friends with but given my history with him I get why he doesn't want me to.

I love Dp and I do want to stay with him. I do like this other guy too and I enjoy his company. I don't have many friends and I would be happy to maintain a friendship with him but I think Dp would be royally pissed if he found I was still talking to him, albeit not very often. I'm also not 100% sure I trust myself with him. I have never cheated on Dp and I don't think I ever would but I think maybe I should just remove all temptation and cut contact with this guy.

I'm struggling to get him out of my head. I think about the brief time we spent together and places we went. I don't fantasise about him or anything but I guess I'm just a bit sad that it didn't go anywhere and now it won't. Will that feeling go away? Has anyone else had feelings for someone else but wanted to stay with their partner? How did you deal with it?

I feel guilty that he is still in my head. I just need to cut him out completely and forget about him, don't I?

If you want to stay with your DP, yes of course you do.

What Angelf1sh said.

Why did you break up with your boyfriend and what made you decide to get back together?

It’s not totally platontic is it if you can’t trust yourself around him. Either cut contact or split up with your partner, don’t just settle for your partner because you are at the stage in your life where you want marriage and babies, you want to do it with the right person for you, if you still have feelings for someone else then your partner isn’t the one.

Of course you do. How would you feel if your partner wanted to maintain a 'friendship' with someone he had also met whilst you were apart?

Brilliant, I didn't, he broke up with me. I think he just wasn't happy, actually neither of us were because he felt that I was too demanding and I felt like he was always working and I was at the bottom of his list of priorities. Things have really improved now, in some ways the break up was a good thing for us.

Since I've been back with Dp I haven's said or done anything sexual, flirty, suggestive etc. We've mainly talked about work and the weather. Standard, friendly small talk. But I'm just not 100% convinced that I wouldn't be tempted to at some point if I don't stop thinking about him. I'm not sure I even still have any romantic feelings for him I think its just the fear of 'what if'?

I've already been married and had babies so I'm not on a ticking clock or anything. Dp and I are not having children together. My last long term relationship was a complete disaster and I just really don't want to make a mistake and end up married to the wrong person again. I don't want to have to go through any more heartache, I've been through enough.

If you want to stay with your dp, of course you have to stop the contact.

You can’t honesly think you can maintain a ‘friendship’ with someone you went on a few dates with and spent the night with while on a break.

I do question why you got back with your dp if all you think about is this other guy you barely know? Maybe you need to look at your decision to go back to your dp as planning a future is all well and good but if your with the wrong person it’s not going to be how you imagine

User, if he was adament that he just wanted to stay friends and had no feelings for her I would be ok with it. Dp is allowed (and does have) female friends, even ones he has previously dated. If he was committed to me and I trusted him then it would be fine. If he still had feelings for her, or they were meeting up all the time I would feel differently.

My ex tried to do the same, stay friends with women he slept with whilst we broke up after we got back together. I wasn't happy with this and he made out I was unreasonable for me not wanting him to still be in contact with them (was more than one.) he stayed in contact with them and needless to say we didn't stay back together very long. So yes you do need to cut contact.

You say you can't trust yourself with him. There's the answer for you.

If you were certain you could both keep it platonic then I'd say you're partner would have to suck it up but that isn't the case and if you want to give your relationship a proper go then you can't have that hanging around.

*your partner

I'm not constantly thinking about the other guy, its only occasionally if I go somewhere we went together or something.

I guess I'm just hoping that any residual feelings/thoughts I do have will just fade and go away the longer I go without speaking to him. Or is that just ridiculously naive?

To me being friends with exes is completely different to being friends with people you've slept with whilst you've known your dp. It's still fresh in this case whereas the exes were obviously in the past before you even met. So I don't think it's comparable. Anywy he has told you he isn't comfortable with it so either stop talking to the other guy or continue to talk to him and break up with your dp.

Are you sure that dp is right for you? You split up for 5 months and have feelings for someone else.

But yes, if you do continue with your dp then don't maintain a friendship with someone you still have feelings for!

Agree with pp, you don't sound that enamoured with dp anymore...it must have hurt when you split up. You don't have to stay with him...

Sorry but your OP deserves better, you are thinking about him, you are fantasising and actually wondering if you'd be tempted.

You don't love your OP, well not in the way you should and he deserves.

I'd go it alone for now if I was you, neither seem right for you.

I'm just not 100% convinced that I wouldn't be tempted to at some point

If you have any respect for your partner, yes, you should cut contact.

I would be massively hurt if I found out that someone that is supposed to love me was keeping a 'number 2' on the back burner 'just in case'. It is massively disrespectful.

Helmet, I was massively hurt when Dp broke up with me. It was a very difficult decision whether or not to get back together because, like I said, I've been through enough heartache already and I don't want a future full of Dp potentially breaking up with me again when he gets stressed out and can't communicate with me. So I took quite a while to figure out if we should get back together or not.

In the end I realised I still loved Dp and not being with him made me so unhappy. Ok, he isn't perfect but he has grown up a lot in the time we have been together, and especially in the last year or so. I have faith in him, and that we can have a good life together but it takes work and it won't always be easy.

I know in reality this other guy was just a rebound who made me feel good again temporarily while I was still lonely and hurt from our break up. He is lovely but I don't want to throw away all mine and dp's history and future together for him. I know he's going to be hurt when I tell him I can't talk to him anymore but Dp's feelings matter to me more.