Dealing with aftermath?

[fizziefee]

1st post in YEARS so basically first post.
Don't want to drip feed but don't want to write an essay either.
I have mh problems around loss, attachment and abandonment etc.
Was with ex husband 13 years, got divorced, devastated, 5 weeks later got with a guy that made me feel like I was MEANT to get divorced as we were MEANT to be together. He was like my other half.
He turned out to be the TOTAL opposite of what I thought. Lies and incidents throughout but there was either never any proof and so I doubted my own mind, or I was just too weak and insecure or scared to leave.
3.5 years later and after a long period of being told I was mad and paranoid and fucked in the head and a nutta, I've finally got proof he's slept with someone else and been messaging her all the lovely stuff he used to tell me. And we're done! We really are.
But! I need to know how to stop missing the good bits (there were some), I'm a really sentimental person and find myself being unable to listen to/watch/do anything because it's what WE did.
And how do I stop thinking about them together? Needing answers? Picking over and over everything?
I've just written a long message to him asking him all about what they been doing, what he been saying to her etc. And I do know I shouldn't send it but tell me WHY I shouldn't send it.
I want answers but I know he won't give them or will lie.
I want him to know how hurt I am but I'm sure he knows, or doesn't care.
I need to go no contact but how do I? It hurts so much. I'm only coping each day because of diazepam. I feel like I'll never feel better and it scares the crap out of me.
I have 3 kids I need to look after and a job (can't take time off, had 5 weeks off not long ago due to mh) and a home to run.
Please don't say to surround myself with friends etc. They have their own lives and problems and I've tried but there's always other stuff that has priority over me. My family don't live near. My mum has passed away. When I'm with my kids (Or anyone) I just feel disconnected and distracted.
I need you to tell me how to stay no contact without going crazy. Why it's good for me. Why it worked for you. If you've been here, how long till you felt better? Obviously I've been here before after divorce but he came along and fixed me. So now this feels extra bad.

So much for no essay. Sorry.

You shouldnt send the message because you won't get the answer you want, you'll get more lies and it will be more of a head fuck. You'll be manipulated more and you deserve more than that.
You won't ever really get the answers you want, he's a liar and a cheat and has broken your belief in yourself.
You are not going crazy, you are dealing with grief
Be kind to yourself. Accept that things are hard for you.
The things going round and round in your head will lesten

it is early days. Time is the only healer

Also he didnt come and fix you after your divorce.
He just allowed you to stop thinking about it all and not deal with it.
you need space and time

You are understandably in a dark pit at the moment, but the first thing you are going to have to do is to stop digging. I feel you need to correct some thought patterns though if healing is to be effective. I will try to unpack your questions and then to ask you a few questions in the hope that your thinking will be challenged and seeds of recovery sown.

I feel first of all, meeting this guy 5 weeks after your divorce was probably too soon, and you didn't get to really know each other and to do a proper post motem of your ended marriage. He was a distraction and maybe validated you at a time of great vulnerability.
It is exactly that emotional and mental immune system, so to speak, that I feel we need to strengthen first of all.
Now..

1)Any minute spend thinking about him/them is time wasted. In the short time its difficult to divert your mind but you could check out you tube - there are great support videos on how to get over an ex.

2)You are looking for closure but in your case, I feel its more beneficial to put a lid on this and move on. Answers - from him, will generate more questions, far from satisfying you, they will probably enrage you. He is not worth it. He is probably self-justifying at the moment, rather than feeling sorry for what he did. He might even be blaming you, for all you know. By cheating and lying, his actions have already spoken louder than words. Don't project a sympathy and sensitivity onto him, that he does not posses. You were vulnerable when you met him plus MH problems = bad judgement.

3. It's okay to be sad - that's why you are distracted. You are joyless at the moment, and don't apologise for that. Allow yourself to experience these negative emotions and in time you will overcome. Don't rush yourself or try to numb the pain by jumping into another relationship. Take an honest and thorough analysis of your failed relationship. I feel you may be idealizing or even idolising your ex. You are trying to cherry pick the good bits and crying over those. But a person comes as a package and you can't whitewash the bad bits. Don't paint this guy in an artificially good light. Even in very bad relationship, there are usually good times here and there. Forget that now and look forward to the future. Begin now to carve out a new life and learn from the past. But don't make it out as if the best times are gone. NO!!!!! You had good times yes - but there is nothing stopping you from enjoying even better times - with the benefit of wisdom and experience. Have hope my dearest and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know it's a tough time - but tough times sometimes require equally strong, tough medicine!!

4)No Contact is the best thing for you now and I hope you will take that seriously. Why? several reasons:

(a) Self - respect and reclaiming your self esteem. You need to demonstrate to yourself that you can live your self apart from him. The source of your heart ache and problems cannot be the very solution to your problems.
(b) it breaks the control he has over you. As long as you are dignifying him with a request for answers or need for contact, or indeed - as long as you are angry with him - You are in fact allowing him to control your life remotely and without his awareness.
(c) No contact is the best spring board to launch a new better stronger you and your life. it's establishing boundaries and showing you are ready to draw a line under a bad episode in life. You will also be showing you don't care for his lies or explanation - it's over.
(d) It will force you to engage meaningfully with your real friends and support network and your kids.
(e) it will also give you a chance to look at yourself and your role in the broken relationship. Thus NC will allow you to regain control and power rather than to bargain and plead and look for justice from someone who really doesn't care.
Remember dearest, your blessings and greater good and joy, do not lie in the hands of a spouse or partner who cheats and wants to leave.
Not to ramble on and on but ......

1. Do you think you tend to attract a certain kind of guy in your life?
2. Do you feel whole in yourself or do you feel you need someone else to prop you up? If so why?
3. Have you always been happy with your self esteem?
4. What will you gain by letting him know how much you are hurting?
5. How much interest have you in other people in your community, workplace etc? Are you too obsessed with yourself and your relationship? Would you consider volunteering?
6. Are you grateful for what you already have in life e.g your children, a job, a house, peaceful country, education, ability to walk, run, cook, read, see, hear ....
7. Are you really sure he 'fixed' you after your divorce? How do you know?
8. What personal development and investment in your character, emotions and mental resources - have you done since your divorce?
9. Do you believe you deserve a good relationship in which you are secure and safe in?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can hear how much pain you’re in and how hard this is for you.

It’s not the answer to everything but “It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken” by Greg Behrendt really helped me. I’ve also got issues around abandonment and loss.

Good luck

Hello again.
Thank you all for your replies. My internet ran out and I'm back now as it's the 1st!
I needed to see your replies right now. I was hovering over the send key with a message to him but your words have given me a kick up the bum and I'm going to watch telly and hopfully fall asleep instead.

Huntinginthedark you're right, I think, about it being more of a head fuck. And you definitely are right that he didn't fix me. I think it was more he postponed (then added to) the heartbreak. X

Orangecrush19 I'm going to check the book out, thank you. Glad to hear it's helped you x

Moyogaza thank you for your epic reply. You're right, I know you are, you all are, i know i need to build myself up, get some self respect and self confidence.
Some points on your points. ..

1. He is ALL I think about. Everything makes me think of him. I wonder what he's doing. I cross my fingers and will him to text me. We used to message all day every day and not having that is so hard. When I'm "distracted" I Still have that sick awful feeling in me so I soon get reminded and every time is like a punch in the gut.

1. I'm try NC I really am but it's so hard. He has txd me a couple of times. Things like he hates himself, he's sorry, he was only ever the real him with me etc. There's no talk of trying to get me back, in fact he's reiterated what he originally said that he weren't happy and doesn't want to be with me. So I know he's not sayibg thrse things to win me round. And when I get them it's like a switch that flicks and instantly I feel calmer. I have had 2 occasions of this and I have been able to go about me day quite happily, laugh, think about the future and not feel doom etc. All because after that txt I know he gives a shit, he does think about me and feel remorseful. I'm those times I've felt ok and not because I've wanted him, just because one known he cares. But then that brings me to tonight's wanting to message him, he hadn't txd Nf now I'm wondering why. Is he not thinking about me anymore, is he over me now, is he with someone else etc etc and I'm back to the shit SHIT anxious, sick, distracted mess.

So what do I do when contact might be what gets me through? How do I know NC isn't just playing games? Like when people say if you miss someone tell them, if you care show it, if you have something to tell someone say it, etc??

I am going to reply to the rest of your message tomorrow as I've taken a sleeping pill and falling asleep now.

But again, thank you x

Hi Fizzie
Sorry I had been away.
going NC means you do not want him in your life anymore, if you try and do it hoping it will bring him back it simply will not work.

But only you can know when you're finally at that point, many people do a lot of back and forth, don't berate yourself over that if it happens.

I've been where you are, when you get some contact you instantly feel calm briefly, but don't kid yourself the massive crash isn't going to come after the high, it always does and it will get incrementally worse

Constantly thinking about him, is basically you not wanting to deal with the final loss of him, it's keeping a dialogue open in your mind, and not letting yourself grieve the relationship.

You have to face up to the fact that he is manipulating you at every turn, I didn't to face that fact for a long time, because A: It meant I was stupid (I wasn't) B: I would have to truly see him for who he was, and that's scary.

Take each day at a time, don't put yourself down for getting into this situation or struggling to get out of it, one day you will realise that you have had enough of being treated like this, and in the meantime be kind to yourself.
(if you can block him it will make it easier- I know that's hard too! took me months and months)