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Original poster

Do I trust him on this?

23 replies

ZiggyTheCat · 27/03/2018 11:37

I have been in a relationship for about a year. Last April OH went to a weekend away for work. He met an old flame there and they spent the day together. They didn't do any more than kiss, but there were several messages between them afterwards about how it was a missed opportunity and maybe they could meet up in the future.
This other woman is married and made it clear in her messages that while she was up for a shag she didn't want to do anything that would jeopardise her marriage.
I had a feeling that something was up after this and I checked his phone and found all the messages. We had it out and I ending up forgiving him as it was a fairly new relationship and he said he realised he loved me and I could trust him from then on blah blah blah.
We got on with things and are happy together up until now.
The same event will happen again next month and I'm starting to tie myself up in knots about it. It's very likely she will be there and I can't help but wonder if the same would happen again. What would you do?
Thank you.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 27/03/2018 11:50

I don’t think I could trust I’m afraid. I’m not sure what the answer is. Have you spoken to him?

Tenshidarkangel · 27/03/2018 11:51

You've been together less than a year and he's already cheated?

He's not that into you lovely. Sorry. :(
LTB.

Fidgety31 · 27/03/2018 11:58

I think going through his phone was wrong too .
You don’t him and he has been deceitful but this is no way to have a relationship - it will destroy you both.

Adora10 · 27/03/2018 12:23

What a pair of horrible bastards, if I was you I'd dump him, one year and he's already humiliated you, be wise OP. If you insist on staying with him then you will have to insist he does not go.

Original poster
ZiggyTheCat · 27/03/2018 20:41

Thanks all I appreciate your thoughts

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 27/03/2018 20:46

Were you actually exclusive at the time this happened? You must have only been together a few weeks?

Regardless of that, if she's there and he thinks you won't find out, my money would be on him knocking boots with her. Work conferences are notorious for illicit assignations.

HollowTalk · 27/03/2018 20:47

He cheated on you in the honeymoon period. That's the kind of man he is, OP, I'm afraid. He'll do it again. You forgave him quite easily (in that he didn't suffer much) and he's learned if he does what he wants then apologises, all will be okay.

I wouldn't trust him again.

Blit · 27/03/2018 20:49

It was a very new relationship last year, had you had the exclusivity talk by then?

Is he trying to reassure you?

timeisnotaline · 27/03/2018 20:52

If she would be there, I think my dh would have to come down with the flu or something that weekend.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 27/03/2018 20:53

Sorry but no way would I have forgiven him, wtaf- you were properly in the honeymoon stages & he cheated!!

Onelasttime94 · 27/03/2018 21:13

I can't believe he would actually dare go after treating you this way before. That itself would make me question his morals.
I'm sorry OP no way in hell would I trust him!

Original poster
ZiggyTheCat · 27/03/2018 21:15

Yes, we were supposed to be exclusive at that time so I can't make excuses for it. I'm not sure why I forgave it then other than I had come out of a horrible marriage and just wanted this to be ok. It sounds silly in retrospect I know.
There is no question of him not going, it is an important work event, and if it wasn't this I can't live with keeping him in some sort of cage forever, I would have to trust him eventually.
I guess what I'm asking is whether I could ever really learn to trust him properly if I don't now.
My gut instinct is still a bit off, in my marriage I trusted completely and it came as a shock when I found I had been well and truly screwed over.
It seems ridiculous to live with this for a year with no good reason to worry then finish it now before its happened, but then again maybe avoiding the inevitable might be less painful. Ho hum

OP posts:
Onelasttime94 · 27/03/2018 21:18

You just answered your own question.
You need to tell him your thoughts though!

Original poster
ZiggyTheCat · 27/03/2018 21:33

You are absolutely right. Thank you, I wasn't sure if you would all say not to worry, a year has passed, blah blah blah.
I don't think this will work itself out will it? Sad

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 27/03/2018 21:37

Oh OP, this is a horrible situation for you. I really want to tell you that you shouldn't worry but I can't because I think he will take the opportunity to do this again. I hate thinking of you constantly worrying for the whole time he is on this trip.

user89940404 · 27/03/2018 22:11

I've always been of the opinion that when in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, if you're truly into the other person then you just don't see anyone else.
Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic though.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but I don't think there's any point in preventing the trip. Removing the temptation this time won't change who he is. If he's going to do it then it'll happen sooner or later with someone else. I agree with a pp that he knows what he can talk his way out of now. He risks less as he knows you'll forgive.

I'd get rid, this will only cause pain long term and a year isn't a huge investment in the scheme of things. Flowers

Original poster
ZiggyTheCat · 27/03/2018 22:59

That's spot on what I would say if this was my friend asking for my advice. I'm not going to wait for the axe to fall. At the moment we don't live together, and my children aren't that attached to him so it's not the end of the world to leave it.
Any further in and it would become more problematic.

OP posts:
Blit · 28/03/2018 00:14

I'm quite shocked by this thread, lots of relationships are a bit messy at the start, people's love and loyalty to each other isn't always instant.

Are you really going to end it because he might do it again? surely things between you have evolved a lot in the last year.

Unless there's a lot more to this, stuff you haven't disclosed, I really do think you need to have a serious talk with him before doing something you might regret.

PeacefulBlessing · 28/03/2018 08:18

Your mistake was forgiving the first time.

He cheated on you at the beginning of your relationship, when you were exclusive, and at a time when you should have been filling his thoughts.

I can't advise what I would do in your position because I would have ended it at the time.

I know it's not the modern way of doing things but I would rather be truly exclusive from the beginning and see how it goes. I wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who didn't think I was worth it from the start.

Original poster
ZiggyTheCat · 11/04/2018 17:20

I just wanted to come back and say my gut instinct was right. Not the person I was talking about but another. I'm utterly heartbroken.
Trust your gut feeling people. 😞
Thank you to those who posted.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 11/04/2018 17:31

I'm sorry to read this OP.. you were right to trust your instincts always.. .. can we assume he was still playing away? creep

you will get through this .. you're well rid Flowers

Original poster
ZiggyTheCat · 11/04/2018 17:34

He wasn't playing away but was trying to.
I've made a Spotify playlist of good break up songs, made a list of things I would like to do, and planned a couple of nights out.
I had forgotten love hurts this much. I thought I had finally met the love of my life. Bleugh...

OP posts:
Original poster
ZiggyTheCat · 11/04/2018 17:37

I also have an excellent friend WhatsApping me an inspirational meme to keep me going 😊

OP posts:
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