I know what I need to do - i just need to be brave

[Starrs23]

Hopefully this won't be too long but I'm struggling to confide in people IRL so just need to get it out.

I've been with my husband for 13 years and married for 8.
Over the years I feel like I've matured and developed as a person where as he has just stayed the same. We have different interests - i'm very sociable, like a drink and a dance where as he's pretty much stopped drinking and hates going out. I tend to do a lot on my own or with friends which is frustrating at times but after 13 years i'm kind of used to it. His family treat me like a daughter/sister and my BILs and SILs are some of my best friends. We've always been pretty happy although there have been a few niggles/issues that i kind of ignored ( more about that later)

Two years ago he got a promotion at work which meant he would have to work away - he never consulted me on this and basically just started being away from Monday to Friday most weeks. Some weeks he had to stay all weekend too. At first we made the best of our weekends and it was actually quite good for us to have time apart. My biggest issue was the lack of contact during the week - he claimed he couldn't find time to phone me and it looked bad to text while he was out for a meal. I then discovered that meals out turned into nights out and he had become quite the party animal - i found that so frustrating as all i'd ever wanted him to do was come out with me .

Then the mentionititis started - he kept talking about a girl he worked with. I brought it up and we discussed it I felt fine about the situation. Then I got a text that was definitely not meant for me - it was quite innocent but made me realise they were closer than he'd said. Again, we talked about it and he admitted that they were closer than then should be and he agreed to back off completely. She was never mentioned again .

However, about a year ago his behaviour changed and basically he has pretty much ignored me for a whole year and made me feel like i've done something wrong. I've been asking him for months what the issue is and this weekend he admitted that he had slept with the girl from work and felt so guilty he couldn't speak to me. He's now in the middle of a complete breakdown and is begging me to stay.

The strange thing is...i'm more annoyed about the fact i have put up with mildly emotionally abusive behaviour from him for years and have been incredibly supportive yet he still treats me like this.

I know i need to leave but i'll be losing almost my whole friendship circle and people i consider family plus he's threatening suicide which i know won't happen but still makes it difficult.

Thank you if you managed to read the whole thing. It feels good to write it down

First of all, he won't commit suicide. Don't worry about that. He's pulling out the big guns in the hope you'll stay with him.

Quite honestly it sounds as though the relationship ended a long time ago, due to his withdrawal. I would move on now, keep as many friends as you can (that'll be easier if he's working away) and have a great life without him.

Do you have children together?

No children - he really wanted them but i refused while he was working away. It would have meant the end of my career and I wasn't prepared to do that. Plus, he has quite misogynistic views which I feel would see us clashing hugely on parental responsibility.

We own a house but I'm not too attached to it so i'd be happy to sell. I have to accept that i will probably lose a lot of friends as they are his family but I do have other friends and i'm pretty independent.

You're right about it already being over - i feel like i've been single for the best part of 18 months. I just need to tell him

I know i need to leave but i'll be losing almost my whole friendship circle and people i consider family

I really don't think you will. It sounds as though they value you, and he's the one that cheated, so he may be in for an unpleasant surprise.

It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship to save to be honest if he's been ignoring you for a YEAR... I'd say cut your losses. Make him leave.

I'm hoping my friends will stick around. It's hard to confide in them at the moment as my two closest friends are married to his brothers and they are very much a 'family comes first' kind of group.
It's strange cos the fact he slept with someone else isn't bothering me that much its more that i spent years putting up with being treated pretty poorly at times - it's like I've had a revelation and my eyes are well and truly open.
He used to comment about my weight (i'm a size 10!!) and commented on everything i ate and how often i went to the gym! What a dick!

Don't be a mug, his tears are fake or at least self pitying, they sure as hell are not for you. He fucked off mon to fri without even consulting you, is mildly abusive and then shags about, I doubt this is the one and only, the fact he was out partying but yet when with you acts like a hermit shows what a two faced git he actually is, you can't trust him OP, no matter how many times the tears are turned on, possibly because the OW has rejected him and he's now scared he's going to lose his convenient cosy home life, what a bloody cheek he has got, tell him to Feck OFF.

He sounds vile, criticising you all the time, nasty wee bully.

And no offence, but you have ALLOWED all this to carry on and he's taken full advantage.