Aggression - was I wrong to say this?

[RebeccaWithTheGoodHair]

DH has left me, not totally unexpected (I had a thread yesterday about it). But the reason he has given is difficult to understand.

To recap quickly, our relationship has deteriorated and we have had some big arguments. I didn't explain the detail of these arguments yesterday but they it is relevant so I wanted to ask your opinion:

No 1 - I can't remember exactly what the row was about, this was perhaps a year ago. He lost his temper and tipped/threw the dining table over so it broke

No 2- a few weeks ago, it was an argument about money. He shouted I was a fucking bitch and had ruined his life. He stormed upstairs and we heard crashing around. Came back down, shouting at me again and then left. Went upstairs afterwards and he had smashed a wooden stool into his bathroom door, the chair was tipped over and there is a big gouge about halfway up the door. He said afterwards that he tripped over the stool and threw it out of his way. I say that's impossible from the height and the fact the hole goes all the way through the door.

No 3 - on Sunday. The argument about hot cross buns. I went back to chopping garlic as he went to get the burnt buns, we were shouting at each other. As he walked through the door he turned around, bunched his fist and said 'you' in a manner I took to be a threat. He left after that.

He says that he has never hit me and never would, and it is unacceptable that I think he might. I say when he loses his temper he acts in an aggressive manner and that it does occur to me that he could hit me. He says this is completely made up in my mind and I have no reason to think he would and he can't live with someone who does think that. He also said in another argument (not a too serious one) that I was banging my hands on the table and that could have been taken as aggressive by me. He also said I had a knife in my hand in argument 3 (I did, I was chopping garlic) so was equally as likely to attack him as he was me when he bunched his fist and said 'you'.

So the question is whether this aggression is acceptable because everyone loses their temper? I'm not frightened of him but it does spring into my mind when he is like that that he could hit me. Is it unreasonable to have said that to him?

Well colditz it did cross my mind! Yes he does have a new hobby (cycling of course!!) and has been working late.

I'd be more at peace if it was an affair because at least it would make sense. But I genuinely don't think he is.

I can't say thank you enough to all of you. Just having this 'chat' has cleared my mind enormously - to hear that you don't think I've driven him to it really is soothing.

In all honesty I now question whether I would accept him back whereas first thing this morning I would have. Possibly I would give him one more chance if we did couples counselling and he did anger management. That would be fair as we have been together so long.

However, as he hasn't contacted me or suggested that I guess it's a moot point!

Truly thank you all - I actually feel quite chipper now and I'm going to walk the dogs before going to see DD's Easter assembly at 2.30!

Good Luck ! Enjoy the assembly

Is it possibly a health issue that he's worrying about and hasn't felt able to tell you yet? Or is he maybe suffering from depression or anxiety? If it's a change in behaviour there's probably an explanation for it, and possibly a solution?

Maybe a trip to the GP is in order?

I'm another one who thinks an affair (or the hopes of one). He seems to have thrown in the towel very easily!

Even if you did snap, or speak to him nastily (I don't think, from what you've said, that you did), then surely the correct response, as I said before, is to ask you not to speak to him like that. Or ask why you felt you had to snap. But he didn't, he went on ranting and slamming about and smashing things, or chucking you out of the car and refusing to go to a parents' evening?

He either over reacts on a scale that's dialled up to 'drama llama', or he's trying to find an excuse to break up with you that makes you the bad guy.

Ah hug for you Rebecca It's probably best to take time to think about things away from him, what you actually want, what's best for dd and that actually no one deserves to be subjected to aggressive outbursts and an awful tense atmosphere.

Perhaps he will have some breathing space and start to form a rational perspective too. If he can remain calm, then talking through how you both honestly feel is the best approach.
If necessary, you could have a mediator present to avoid it escalating into a row? That doesn't have to be a counselor, could be a mutual friend or something?
Or meet in a public place eg coffee shop so that he's forced to behave calmly and maturely and can't throw tables around

Possibly he's having some sort of breakdown if this is a sudden change, possibly an affair. Whatever it is, it's not your fault and he owes you the truth.

He's been completely out of order, of course he's being aggressive and of course you are going to feel threatened, he likes to smash up your home!

In a way he had to go, you can't go on like this, unless he agrees to counselling then I'd assume he wants a permanent split.

Yeah I'm really sorry, cycling and working late plus new irritation with you plus he's left for really no reason = he's having an affair.

he's been exploding at you because he needs you to be the Bad Guy to protect his self image as A Good Man Wronged And Seeking Solace In The Arms Of Another

Leave him to it.

He's round her house, wherever that it.

Ever heard of The Script? He's following it.

www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

And that is quite apart from his bizarre violent displays - almost like a gorilla smashing up the undergrowth to assert dominance

I know, I know it is all completely classic and I don't disagree with what you're saying. It is the obvious explanation but I just don't think he is.

colditz A Good Man Wronged and the gorilla have made me laugh

I haven’t read the whole thread as I’m at work but I did read your daughter is aware of his outbursts. You need to get her out of that environment. My father was very much like that when I was a child and while he never hit me or my mum, it had left lasting impact.
I very vividly remember him smashing the house phone up with a hammer over an argument about who would call for a Chinese with my mum. It actually terrified me I was hiding in my mums arms and screaming and screaming I wouldn’t go near him for days, which lead then to thinking every time he yelled I was going to be that phone.
As an adult I am now aware he had a major depressive episode due to his work (he was close to committing suicide) but as a child I didn’t know that. I don’t condone his actions at all but has definitely affected me.
I can’t stand confrontation, I have massive anxiety surrounding confrontation (even so much as a car was parked over our drive over the weekend meaning we couldnt get the car back on the drive. My OH was going to leave a note but I couldn’t even cope with that) I hate peoples raising thier voices and whenever me and DP have an argument if he even raises his voice my anxiety goes into overdrive. Don’t subject her and yourself to his abuse

My money's on an affair, I'm afraid. He's gone off in the hope that someone else will comfort him.

That's awful Raven. I agree it's damaging for children to be continually exposed to aggression like that.

Before my parents split they had awful heated rows, door slamming etc and us children would hide upstairs. I remember at that time I had difficulty eating at the table with my parents as I had such a lump in my throat. I think it was anxiety that it could kick off again.
I too absolutely hate confrontation as an adult. I'd never linked it to that before.

Sorry, I haven't really spoken about DD in this but she is my top priority - I'm trying to think of the best for her both now and in the future.

I had a great relationship with my father growing up and I want that for her. I don't want her to resent me in the future for breaking up the family.

But equally I'm determined she won't accept a bad relationship because it's been modelled for her by me and him.

It's difficult day-to-day to see the bigger picture, that is what is coming out here for me, that these aren't all 'one-offs' but are a pattern and a concerning one.

don't want her to resent me in the future for breaking up the family.

I'd rather that than a disturbed and emotionally stunted daughter because him smashing up the house will turn her into a nervous wreck, so not fair!

As he walked through the door he turned around, bunched his fist and said 'you'

Are you going to actually wait until he follows through?

No of course not Adora, I'm just trying to come to terms with a long marriage breaking up suddenly and quite dramatically. The things I've posted since my first message are building a new picture of a longer chain of problems than I originally thought.

Off to the assembly - chicks and happiness for the next half an hour!

It's true, when you're living it it's just "life that's happening around me" and it's only when you see it in hindsight that you can see the jigsaw slotting together.

the truth is, every time you've had a moment of "Wait - did he really just behave like that?" is probably a moment you should have paid heed to. It's easier though, to push it down and wait for the dust to settle, and avoid triggering a rage.

I am often reminded by a good friend of things my ex did to me - that I pushed down so hard that I have literally suppressed the very idea. I FORGOT that he nearly broke my wrist, for example. There may be incidents from before now that you semideliberately ignored, but as you start to mentally detach from the marriage, you will ignore less and less and will start to recall prior events

Try to remember your marriage has not ended over buns and garlic, there were a great deal more issues than that. I could not live with someone with a temper like that, it must be very frightening.