Hello all,
I am really hoping to get some honest feedback on how I can make a situation better because i feel lost without my big sister.
To start at the beginning.... our mother has suffered our whole life with depression and to be honest is a pretty horrible bully. She is very harsh on people and sometimes just downright wrong. Despite this we have an amazing father and a great extended family. There are 4 boys and 2 girls, she is number 2 and I am the baby. Not that any of us faired well with my mother and we certainly all carry our own scars from her abuse, but my sister always came out the worst when it came to my mothers bullying and psychological games. They would clash and have huge physical fights (from when my sister was 14 mother actually used to definitely lose these fights and actually had a lot of fear of my sister in the end which resulted in my sister being ejected from the family
Home at 16). I on the other hand would use a totally different coping mechanism
And basically give in on the small things and allow my mother to control lots of things that to be honest weren't important to me, i coped by ignoring my mothers madness and lying to her easily. Mother was so caught up in herself she really didn't notice me too much/ I was a definite favourite which suited me fine. I was in it for long term survival not fighting every single little point. My sister and I were the firmest of friends (the easy going comedian and the one everyone feared) despite a big age gap and totally different coping mechanisms.
Fast forward to when my sister was 21 and I was 16. She had been in a long term relationship with a much older man, this man Became the centre of our family, everyone was happy when he was around and loved him and he was very successful. Anyway she was unfaithful to him and stole from him. Both of which were wrong but the 5 siblings all turned on her, I hurt the most because we were the best of friends. She desperately wanted me to take her side and for a while I did but as a weak individual with not much fight in me (and in a very vulnerable position as I lived at home and wanted to go to university, I couldn't rock the boat too much). Then she became too intense and wanted to see me all the time, and for me to spy on people, because she is who she is if I gave her any information she would do things like turn up at my brothers birthday party which she wasn't invited to and cause a scene. I was making life very difficult for myself and needed space from her intensity.
Before anyone says I should have been straightforward and honest ( I know that and that is totally what I would do now)
I kind of distanced myself and didn't give her information but she would catch me out (fb photos of me at events, cousins saying they had seen me places I hadn't told her about) I eventually I froze her out because I couldn't cope with being the bridge between her and everyone.
Bringing us to the present both of us are happily married but totally ignore each other. She bad mouths me to anyone who will listen, I never say anything bad about her openly to anyone who knows her. I know that no reaction at all is the most hurtful thing of all for her. This all said to me she is still My big sister, who I loved dearly and confided in and I definitely want some sort of a relationship with her. Underneath ger very tough exterior is the abused child with a broken heart. I don't want us to go to our graves hating each other. How do you approach this? I know I have to be prepared for a lot of anger and ranting which is why I have wanted 18
Years.....