Moving on together, after an affair

[1espressomartini]

My marriage has been a mess for a few years, we were functioning on the surface and basically turned into flat mates but intimacy and Shared interests disappeared. In the last few years we’ve dealt with parental deaths, breast cancer treatment. I put on 6 stone (!) and lost interest in myself. My DH lost interest in me physically and vice versa I suppose - I had low self esteem etc. So unsurprisingly last Jan he met someone when out for a drink with colleagues, they had - in his words - convenient sex - about twice a month until August - when I saw a text ping up on his phone saying hey how are you xx. So he broke down and told all, said it was attention, flattery and intimacy that he was missing from our relationship. He didn’t love her and knows he’s been the biggest cliche and fool. Said relieved I found out but he wished he had the courage to confess before and try and work on our relationship. He hates all the heartache he’s caused He wants to fix our relationship - I had already starting taking an interest in myself, before all this - lost a lot of weight and feel fab - getting lots of compliments etc - shallow I know. I’m so sad that we got to that stage as we both said our foundations were strong - we just lost sight of each other - also we’ve both said that maybe in a weird way this has been the catalyst for us rediscovering each other - we’re having sex again, more intamacy, talking - all good BUT I’m just so sad and disappointed in him with the lies, sex etc. The images of him with someone else hurts so much. Though I do understand as to why. Has anyone moved on with or without their husband if you’ve been in a similar situation.

I haven't been in your situation and didn't want to read and run.

Can you access a counsellor to help you work through these feelings?

for you

I'm sorry OP - thats tough.

Why not go to couples counselling together and see whether you can make it work.

After my wife confessed to a long term affair, I waited a year before making a firm decision, it was then to move on without her. He shouldnt have done it, move on unless you are absolutely sure you can trust him...

Hello. My husband had an affair 3 years ago. We have stayed together and I love him but I can honestly say this is the hardest thing I have ever done. The awful time when he was having an affair and I did not know what was wrong has impacted enormously on my health. We are not the same people we were before and our relationship will never be the same. In some ways it is better (dates, fun times) but I dont have that ultimate trust that I had before and I still worry and think about what happened almost every day. Take care of yourself.

As Worried said. You can rebuild. It will never be the same. However there are some perks post affair -if the betrayers put a good effort to rebuild and if the affair was a one off due to circumstances and "pushy"/"stalking" of the partners in cheating. The betrayers will soften, be more forgiving, ccept many little things that used to annoy them in the day to day life. In addition they will try to make more time to be with the ones they betrayed. In short they can become more human, less judgemental and more easy going. A pity it took an affair to bring the best out of them.But hey we are all like that: guilt of bad behavior brings the best out of us (if there is a sincere guilt...) You can try to think about it like that : we all have our dark side and our human side. The betrayers who sincerely regret their affairs, lived their dark side with the affair partners and they left it with them. When they betrayed us they betrayed their human side. They will focus on nurturing this side with us... (it is sad but it happens often that when we need them most they can't cope and rush to the others whose only love successes are based on their concerted efforts to prove that they are better than the legitimate partners...)i am not sure this post helped you. I am 4 years post confession of the affair and I am not yet fully healed but I am optimistic...good luck!

It can put you in the driving seat as the previous OP said, for instance in the past if I had said I wanted to go on holiday with a friend there would have been a fuss, I don’t think he would dare now

Put you the driving seat to get him to agree to things, that sounds so many shades wrong, sorry.

You are being extremely accepting of what he has done, I would suggest, it's him who needs to the work, not so much you, you never shagged someone for 7 months did you, he didn't feel that bad OP, probably only told you cos it had gone on for so long and perhaps worried it was going to come out.

I'm afraid I have no sympathy for him, lack of intimacy in a relationship is not a green light to abandon your vows and your commitment to your partner, no matter what is going on!

I'd be very careful you are not taking the blame for something he CHOSE to do, that might make it even easier for him to be tempted to do it again.