Straw Poll to settle an argument

[LivingTogetherSeparated]

My partner and I are having a long-standing disagreement:

1. Your partner has an affair with your best friend. There is no sex - just secret meetings, kissing, cuddling and declaring feelings for one another.

1. Your partner takes occasional voyeuristic photos of you naked without you knowing. They are not shared with anyone.

Which is worse and why?

Husband did number 2 then wife did number 1 three years ago.
Husband is deeply apologetic, has forgiven and wants to move on. Wife cannot get over the photos.

the relationship is not healthy & counselling should be explored if you want to try to salvage the marriage. I can't imagine doing or having either of them done to me, however Im sure some people have gotten over worse

Oh my. I thought this was some sort of slightly silly ‘would you rather’ game...

2 is probably worse, I think. It's more creepy

I’d say if he has truly forgiven you but you keep throwing his back in his face the relationship is doomed.

Yours in more common place (still horrible), while his is more creepy.

He betrayed your trust.
You betrayed his trust... with his best friend.

What was the timeline like? Why are you still together?

Well, with all this - what's the point in carrying on? Call it a day.

Both equally bad, but I'd report the second to the police.

#2 is far worse imo

1 is way worse for me. If he’d been taking nude photos of the neighbour while she slept then I’d say 2, but if my h was going to be wanking over naked photos of anyone I’d rather it were me. Tis creepy though. But it would be a days worth of argument for me, whereas the cheating would be unforgivable in my book.

1. is worse, it's illegal. The end.

Oh, just seen the update at top of this page...

I think you're both stupid and frankly deserve to split up. There's no way you're getting past this. Did you do your part in response to his?

Toxic relationship that can't be saved
2 is worse but 1 isn't great either

Why debate it? End it

Who are you in all this? Creepy, sexually abusive, consent-avoider or lying cheat?

If anyone can't get past something, the right thing to do is break up. It's been years and there's still no trust.

A lot would depend on the reaction of photo weirdo. Counselling, complete apologies, genuine mea culpa, admission of fault and ZERO other sexually worrying behaviour? I still couldn't get past it but some might.

This husband and wife should not be husband and wife. Seems masochistic to stay together.

It doesn't matter if everyone in the world thinks that you should get over it. If you feel like it was too bad for you then it is too bad for you. Emotions and relationships don't work like asking "is this dress nicer than this dress".

Although your example is more like one of those M&S monstrosity dress comparisons.

You sound like such a lovely couple

Both shit but for me #1 is the worst.

If my husband took the photos I could get over that once I gave him the wtf were you thinking, never ever do that again, not ok rant. But he would get no more chances. Once my feelings are made clear on that that's it.

#1 there would be zero chances. No getting over that. I couldn't forgive secret meets and declarations of love with anyone, let alone a friend.

I'm not sure how helpful it will be for you to keep going over things in a X vs Y way. It doesn't matter whose 'crime' was worse. What we think us irrelevant - you both hurt each other and need to work out your trust issues on both sides.

Doing the versus thing makes it seem like you are both deflecting and minimising your own part - point scoring almost - rather than 'owning it' which i think is probably essential for getting through it.

Hope you can work it out.

If you can't get over the photos then it really doesn't matter what is considered the 'worst crime'. It's a violation so you don't have to get over it. Most wouldn't or couldn't.

Husband "got over" the affair because it was "just" sex. Sneaking around with someone else. Cheated ON rather than something perpetrated against you.

Wife can't get over the photos because she feels violated and cannot even sleep peacefully for fear he'll keep taking photos.

Both are awful, both are betrayals. Trust is gone in both cases. One just happens to be criminal and creepy as heck.

If this stuff happened over 3 years ago and it's still causing problems your marriage either needs some outside help or you call it a day, it's a long time to be holding onto resentment for.

Both are equally, morally wrong

The second is also criminal and an invasion of personal space and autonomy.

I might be able to forgive the first, I could never forgive the second, or trust that person again.

Either way this marriage is dying a slow and painful death. I would suggest separation.

Both bad. Marriage will struggle to survive this - both are betrayals of trust.

The first one is incredibly much worse!

It shouldn't be a game of top trumps where you argue over which is worse so one can have the moral upper hand. Both are bad, but both could be forgiven if they wanted the relationship to work.

2 is worse IMO as it implies weird, creepy, stalker-ish behaviour whereas 1 is more like a mistake that people do make (although obviously their partner doesn't need to forgive them for it).