Is it unreasonable to want some money to spend on myself!

[Virgo19823]

Advice needed please, been with dh nearly 20 years, children. We both work p.t (me because of the children) so both earn similar and all wages etc into the joint account.
Dh sorts the bills out I go food shopping, get petrol no restrictions or anything on amounts (within reason there is a sensible budget) my problem is because he manages the money I feel I have to check before I buy anything as I'm not sure what's in the account all the time (I'm sorting this by setting up online) I don't spend any money on myself because of this as quite frankly I resent checking before buying anything.
I'm thinking I would like to transfer a certain amount monthly to myself so I can buy myself some bits without feeling like I have to check first. I don't think my dh will like this idea and so haven't broached the subject yet. Does this sound reasonable to want to have some cash for myself? He happily spends £15 a week on alcohol so I thought similar seems fair (i dont really drink much). We are on a relatively tight budget .

Hang on, you both work but he controls the money? How did that happen? You should have access to the joint account - or take all bills out of the joint account and pay yourselves pocket money. You should get whatever he gets. If he wants to spend his on booze, tough luck.

I think that sounds perfectly reasonable.
Each couple has their own way of managing finances. Sometimes the man does, sometimes the woman does, sometimes both do.
I think as long as everyone gets what they need and everything is paid and one party isn't having to ask for spending money then it's all cool.
Tell him that's what you will be doing, if he has a problem with that then I would be concerned and start to consider the possibility of FA.

That's what we've done for 20yrs plus....... All money goes in to the family pot, and we each have a standing order to our own "pocket money" accounts. We can save or spend whatever we want out of that, on whatever we want.
So, in your case, if he wants to spend it on booze - fine. If you want to spend it on something completely different that he might not choose to spend money on - equally fine. If you want to save yours up and then spend on something big, equally fine. If you just want a little treat here and there each week - also fine.

I do have access to the account, he pays the bills and keeps an eye of the direct debits and cheques etc coming out. I don't like to spend as I'm not sure if the balance is bill money or something that's why I would like my own spends. It's not something we've ever done with the money but I'm increasingly becoming fed up with not even buying a stick of mascara! I don't think he will understand my logic though and will just say get what you want.

I felt exactly how you did - my DH let’s me spend money freely but I had a guilt issue -all my issue nothing he said / did. So he suggested transferring money to a new account just for me. Now I can spend that without thinking “ maybe I should just use it on the kids”

You have to check due to your own failing. You should know what's in there and not have to check. You don't need to transfer money, you don't need to check. You just need to be able as he does, make a sensible decision and then buy what you wish if you think you can afford it.

The thing about transferring money is you then are limited to spending only that. He however can spend what he pleases. Just do as he does.

Imnotacelebgetmeouttahere- that's my problem, If I have my own cash I probably will end up spending some on this kids but at least I might spend some on me too!!

Wow! You've been with this man for 20 years and still have to run it by him if you want to buy some mascara?

My mind boggles.

Make a list of all outgoings. Every time you get paid, put that amount into a separate account and set up direct debts. Do the same for savings. Everything left is for food and clothes etc. So then say you spend £100 pw on food, and it's two weeks till pay-day, you know you need £200 in the bank. If there's £300 you know you can buy a mascara.

My husband and I run a business - well technically he works full time and brings in 90% of the money (actually more, since I had kids). I do bits here and there. We each get exactly the same salary paid to our personal accounts - we jointly pay the mortgage, he covers bills, I cover food and the rest is up to us. It’s been this way for a long time - I had to stop working due to illness, started a very small business and we decided to just put it all together and take the same wage out each.

Honestly this would drive me insane. What do you do for birthdays and Christmas? You should each get paid to your sole account, and then put a percentage of your wage into a joint account for bills etc, or just divide up costs and each of you are responsible for x, y and z.

Christmas and birthdays neither of us spend anything before hand to save up!
I think we do need to do things differently, to be honest the reason I leave him to get on with it a bit as one of my children has a condition which demands a lot of my time both day and night and with work and my other two children I get very little time to sit down and look at things.
I know this needs to change I just wanted to make sure I wasn't sounding unreasonable as this has been the way of things for a long time it's just annoying me now.

No, IFlyAway, OP isn't saying that if you read her posts. Her dh says just to get it. It is the OP who has a "guilt" about spending something that might otherwise be spent on something else.

This, OP is why you need your own "pocket money".
Whether that is an actual separate purse with notes in (as my Mum used to do) or an account (as I do). It is then 'ringfenced' if you like, only for spending on something that will make you feel good - whether that is a coffee out, a bunch of daffs or a mascara - whatever is a treat for you. Because it is in your 'envelope' then it isn't taking away from the family food budget or holiday budget or dcs' clothes or treats or whatever.

You should be splitting any excess over after bills. It sounds like he's taking it all, which isn't acceptable.

This is one of the reasons I won’t do a joint account.

We know roughly what our costs are and what our income is. We have equal disposable including me in our own personal accounts so no need to think about what the other might be spending my ir what needs to be left.

No arguments about money in this house.

Thank you backforgood you've hit the nail on the head, I feel guilty about spending, which is my problem I know. I know it sounds bad that I struggle to find time to check over the money as I mentioned so it would be easier for me to have a set amount.
It's not something we have discussed before so I just wondered what other people's thoughts were.
Dh does spend on his bits but to be honest it isn't his fault I feel how I do.

You don't need to feel like you have to ask, buy what you like, if he asks, say it's your hard earned money too

I don't like to spend as I'm not sure if the balance is bill money or something that's why I would like my own spends

Why don’t you find out then?!

Just look through a recent statement so that you know how much goes in and how much comes out-then you’ll know exactly how much the bills are and what should be left.

You’re almost saying-‘I don’t want to be doing with understanding the grown-up finances, I just want some pocket money!’

Take a bit of control!

Get your salaries paid into individual accounts.

Work out what you spend a month for the joint account plus a small buffer and pay half that into the joint account each

The rest is yours.

We have a joint account, and individual accounts each for various things (savings, investments, day to day etc.)

You say he won't like you having your own account or won't understand why you want it. So what? He can't unilaterally decide how your joint finances run. You're not asking for more than your fair share of spending money and only want it delivered to you in the manner of your choosing. There is nothing at all for him to object to. It's actually none of his business if you draw out £15 per week and chuck it in the bin. He gets £15 and turns it into booze you get to decide what you do with yours.

Why are you scared to do what is fair and equitable for yourself?