Can him moving out save our relationship? Advice please

[Redfox]

Hello, I have been a lurker on this site for a few months and have found it inspirational to say the least. Everyone is so friendly and writes such wise words. I am in a bit of mess -apologies this may be long. My DP ( have picked up the jargon) & I have a lovely DS who two but we have not been getting on for a while now. ? The usual, domestic chores, money - we have had huge rows about that He earns a lot more than me and is v.resentful that he pays most of the bills. I work part time, we also have a lot other debt. However he told me a few weeks ago that he has been unhappy and that at he is going to move out to try and find himself and his soul! Also he feels he needs to move out to salvage the remains of our relationship so we don?t tear each other apart. His reasoning in that in the long run, we will know whether we want to be together or not and we will get on better. I was appalled and have suggested counselling and that we both try harder. He is aiming to go in two weeks, I feel angry! I will be effectively be a single parent! DP says he will try and support us but it wont be much as he will have to pay for himself also. Another question but it is another area, when do I apply for benefits? Now or when he leaves? It is true we haven?t been getting on, we are very different but I think he is being selfish and self indulgent! I suppose I am looking for support/ wise words/advice here.

Hello, Redfox. I don't know enough about the practicalities, but I do know about blokes who 'try to find their souls' and about temporary separations, and I really feel for you. I think he's being outrageous about money; if he earns more, he shouldn't just withdraw the support he's been giving you and your son (who is presumably the reason you work part time)...except that he probably can if you're not married, can't he (I''m not married either, btw).

I can't say much more at the moment but do offer you a virtual hug.

hi he does appear to be selfish and self indulgent

things do change a lot when you become a parent as your love is focused more on the kids than each other

moving out may give u both some space ,but will be costly for him with rent and separate bills

sounds promising though if he,s willing to go to couselling ,it can make things seem clearer

wish you all the best and hope it does work out

Redfox my dp and myself separated for @ 6 weeks @ 18 months ago and it really helped. I asked him to move out because we were arguing so much and I needed some space to decide what I wanted. We have 2 ds's who were 5 and 1 at the time.

We did also go to Relate which helped immensely but also we both really wanted it to work so that definitely helps.

As regards money I work part time so I just applied for tax credit etc as a single parent and it was enough with a bit of help from my dp to live on in the short term.

You may find that a bit of perspective is all he needs. I know my dp enjoyed the space to think about his life (and he had no tv in his flat so he had a lot of time on his hands!) We found we were able to view things ore rationally when we weren't constantly bickering and also we kinda dated again without going home with each other which was nice too.

It worked for us so there is hope that it could work for you too but I know its very scary especially when its not your choice.

Please feel free to talk more to me and talk on here as well - I wish I had known about this site when I was going through stuff.

Hi redfox, Im also new here. I can understand how you feel, my bloke sent a txt from work a few nights back saying he wanted to leave due to financial probs, which was a huge shock as we've been planning wedding! I was too mad to be upset though and told him to go then, we would be better without his miserable face and moods on top of other probs. He has made a vast effort since then. Do you think your dp wants to go for good, or does he really just need space? I dont think he should feel resentful about the money, surely when you have a family together, everything should be equal? Tarmac is right about tax credits, and they are usually good at getting claims through now I think. I reckon if he does go, you should try to be calm, you will cope well. He is being self indulgent, which is something we mothers never seem to get chance to be! Anyway, you could always threaten him with the csa if he's not going to be helpful financially. Keep us posted

Go down the benefits office now and explain that you will effectively be a single parent in 2 weeks. You need to apply for working tax credit and child tax credit. Your child benefit should be changed to one parent benefit. Depending on your income you might also be entitled to council tax benefit. If you are in rented accommodation, you might be entitled to housing benefit.

Sort it out now as it takes a while for applications to be processed. If your dp changes his mind (and you are prepared to let hime stay after this!), you can cancel the application.

Hi, thanks everyone. No change on the home front, DP is up to go in about 10 days or so. He said a big no to counselling and I am swinging from anger to sadness, sometimes wishing it was three weeks from now so I can get on with my life.

He says he is not interested in anyone else and wants to try to save us in the long run. He says he has visions of me and DS coming round for tea, considering he can't boil an egg so it should be interesting. I do love him but sometimes thats not enough. I have'nt told my family, how on earth can I? and what am I going to tell them?

I am phoning the benefits office/tax credit, tomorrow and I am very worried about the money side of everything. DP says he cant pay this month as he had to folk out for rent - he's signed up somewhere for six months and then he says that he wants us to get on!

Hi Redfox. Sorry that you are having so many problems for your dp. I think your dp is being utterly unfair - trying to have his cake and eat it - i.e. try out life as a single man with limited ties, and if he doesn't like it, to then come back to you. I think you should ask your dp whether he would contemplate dating another woman whilst he is separated from you, and what his reaction would be if you dated another man. Everyone is entitled to a break from their responsibilities - however nights out/or weekends away are the answer NOT leaving you in the lurch like this. I would suggest that you look at the CSA website to investigate what level of support you are legally entitled to from DP. It is an unfortunate fact of life that paying for two homes is harder than paying for one - you should not have to bear the brunt of this. Given that DP seems to be contemplating moving out for six months, I would tell friends/family the simple unadorned truth. Pretending that everything is OK when it is not places a toll on you, and means you don't get the extra help with childcare etc that people would offer. But this is a very personal matter;other people find that "putting a face" on keeps them going.

Best of luck

Oh god, poor you Redfox. I'm sorry. No advice really to add but keep posting if it helps.