blast from the past - how to deal with it?

[poisonedpen]

I have been with my DP for 30 years (since our mid twenties) but had a rocky start. He had recently split with his exgf (of 1.5 years) a few weeks before (she lived in a different city about a 2 hour drive away and he mainly saw on alternate weekends). She had MH issues (self harm, anorexia, had cheated on him a lot) and was later diagnosed with BPD.

I knew at the time that her parents still phoned/wrote to my DP for support and I suspected he still kept in touch with her as he "wanted to help her" and felt torn as she was so ill.
After we had been dating for about 6 months seeing each other during the week and most weekends getting to know each other friendship groups and parents/siblings etc he invited me to stay with him for a month or so whilst my flat was being refurbed.

However, after a few weeks his attitude to me became cold and he asked me not to answer the phone. I told him to sort himself out and I left. 6 months on he begged to get back together - we have been together ever since and have 5 DC.

Yesterday - a large envelope came for me from his ex (30 years on) she wrote that my DP had never loved me and she thought I should know. It included copies of letters from the time (late 80's) that he had written to her showing how he had tried to get back with her (and had slept with her on her birthday and bought her eye wateringly expensive presents that she had requested, when we were dating) but she had spurned him when she found out that at the time I had been staying at his flat. He had written that he had never loved me and that I meant " less than nothing to him".

We are in a bad place as a couple atm. I feel like my relationship has been totally based on a lie and that all my happy past is gone. I suppose I should show my partner the letters?

If we were happy at present as I thought we were for many years, I would just think - let it go.However, the past few years have been hell (financially and health wise). I have no confidence in myself or anything I thought I knew and this seems to affect how I am viewing this. Why has his ex sent all this now after so long? I suppose she has tracked us down on the internet and other crap might follow.

What would you think? I am a longtime poster on MN (mainly on reading/tv threads)but have name changed for this.

wow she sounds like a really spiteful cow, why would she send all that after 30 years? Was it just around that time or is she saying that stuff was going on throughout your marriage?

You really should speak to your DH about it though. It sounds like at the beginning of your relationship he was still into her and not fully committed to her but after your 6 month break changed his mind about her and you? If that's the case I'd be inclined to let it in the past. Speak to him though, seriously

*not fully committed to you

Could it be that your relationship is having trouble now because he’s already in contact with her? Seems odd that she’s just surfaced out of nowhere and decided to territorially piss all over him for no reason.

Oh wow she is an absolute bitch. Agree with pp that it sounds like he wasn't into you at the start but 6 months later he was.

Thanks for the replies. I will show him the letters and speak to him later.

MyRelationship he may have been in touch over social media I suppose. TBH in the early years of our relationship I thought she would turn up at social events etc but we moved about a bit with our work and it never happened. She said she came across the letters when having a clear out in her old room in her father's house and that it had been preying on her mind.

Our relationship is in a bad place because of his family dynamics. His sister is a drug addict who created havoc for years and whose children have lived with us on and off (depending on her condition) for most of their lives - they live with us now in their early 20's. I love them dearly. I gave up work years ago to care for everyone.

He also lent his mother very large sums of money over several years (well over 6 figures added to our mortgage) which she claimed would be repaid when her house was sold after her death but he never made her write it in as a claim on the estate (which caused arguments with me at the time). My partner gave up his job and we put our lives on hold travelling long distances and spending time apart to look after her FT when she was ill as she refused social care or going to a hospice. She left everything to his prodigal sister (the golden child). This tipped my partner into depression and more financial pressures as we struggle to pay our mortgage, he can't hold down a job, can't downsize, I can't find well paid work due to being a sahm for so long. Partner feels like a failure etc. Of course, all this might have led him to reconnect with people from better times past.

It's complex. It is just that I feel so cut adrift from all everything that I thought was secure and knew and can't seem to formulate a good plan to move forward.

Sorry for such a long post. It is just that I look back and think how did I get involved in all this mayhem? Why did I not stop my partner with his mother and sisters demand? Did I feel insecure in our relationship and was too indulgent? Just feel rudderless in all aspects of my life at present and have got to get a grip.

Sounds like you all have had a hard time :( Very bad form of the sister not to give back what the mother borrowed from you imo and is the mother of the children you raised as well?

Talk to him though

Sounds like you’re all going through a hard time now, but clearly things haven’t always been that way given you’ve been together for thirty years.

TBH I wouldn’t let what happened 30 years ago define how you feel now just because you’re going through a rough patch. A lot of relationships get off to a bad start, some survive, some don’t, and people move on. But it sounds as if you got past the stuff with the ex back then, and the truth is that you’re all 30 years older now and presumably different people to what you were back then.

As you said yourself, if you weren’t going through a hard time now you wouldn’t have given it a second thought. You need to stick with that ideal because what happened then is long gone and forgotten.

By all means tell him about the letters you had from the ex, but don’t let it define your relationship now, there is plenty of other stuff to do that with, iyswim.

God that sounds awful for you. No wonder you’re fed up with it all, and need this extra hassle like a hole in the head. I’d be tempted to burn the letters, leave him and fuck off to start a new life elsewhere I think.

Sounds like it's time you put your needs first..
And maybe he isn't what you need any more.

The sister has never worked, always lived on incapacity benefits and MIL downsized three times to buy her a house and later flats to live in that sister trashed and sold on at a loss to the first taker. Always borrowing and stealing money and stuff.The sister says she will repay us if she ever sells MIL's house (the only asset) as she now lives there and although she wanted us to look after her DC rather than her mother (which caused lots of drama) she also kind of resents us about it too. Most of the money we lent MIL no doubt ended up in sister's pockets. Such a tragedy. Don't hold out any hope of repayment.

I just feel that this s**t from the past has been the "straw that broke the camel's back" and that I have no strength left. I feel that I could cope with the sadness and partner's depression (a lot of which gets taken out on me) in the present as i had my happy past and now it has been stolen too.

If you can show that your MIL borrowed money from you, and did nor repay it, either contest the will or put a "charge" on the house for the amount borrowed. That money, if it was a loan and not a gift, was not hers to leave to some one else in her will. You need a solicitor, or go to the CAB.

We have a male friend who started seeing someone he wasn't madly in love with it was just a she'll do for now sort of thing. Even when they had been together for a year or so he would say he knew it wasn't a forever thing because of how he felt about other women in terms of excitement/conversation etc but he stayed with her.

She had moved into his flat with him because it made financial sense and he worked away during the week so his flat wasn't left empty whilst he was elsewhere. But he did tell us that he feared that once she was in she would never move out. She clearly believed he was the one from day one.

They waited a very long time to get married, he was always waiting for someone better to come along because he genuinely felt that she wasn't the one and she would stay with him because he was the one.

Ultimately they have been married for 12 years now, have 2 children together and seem very happy.

Just because a relationship starts up not being something amazing it doesn't mean that it doesn't grow to be amazing and strong.

I knew Dh was the one and he felt the same from our first date. But I love him more now than I ever thought possible. I genuinely believed that it was just the best thing ever but now it is much more than that. We have been together 20+ years, we are not the same people, we are different.

Remember this woman has mental health problems, who in their right mind would send stuff from the 80s? It is beyond weird. But I would tell your Dh.

My partner will not look into it as the money was "lent" verbally and apart from one £30k payment for refurbishment was lent over several years in smaller sums often in the hundreds. I suspect lots more ready cash was also doled out. The will was executed 4 years ago.

Mil's best friend who witnessed the will (which DP agreed to be billed for, he also had to pay for the funeral) says MIL wanted SIl to always have a roof over her head and we would be okay as we already "owned a house" (MIL knew we had a big mortgage and were dipping into scant savings whilst we looked after her). I suspect DP still bungs SIL money when he gets her "crisis" phone calls. It's his family and if he decides to spend money in that way to help them(enable them) then I felt that was his affair.
It is just that we have been left in the s**t financially and he feels that nothing he ever did for MIL was enough to make him "the good, loved boy" and it has brought on his depression that has had a knock on effect on everything else (and everyone)

Tamara when we met it was amazing and DP really pursued me. He seemed upfront about the ex and it was me who was a bit reticent (although I felt crazy in love) as I had recently split with my BF of 4 years who I had lived with for 2 years and wondered if feeling so great with DP was some sort of rebound reaction. I was devastated when I suspected there was still more going on with the ex but told him I wouldn't be messed with and left. I was heartbroken and then so happy when he got back in touch even though I had moved address and jobs and hadn't been so easy to find.

Once we were back together we were extremely happy until 4 years on when I had DC1 and then MIL became a big, interfering feature in our lives and his sister returned from the other end of the country with two babies in tow and caused mayhem. Even still we were generally happy and really solid (wish MN had been around for advice about FOG). It is just since MIL's death that things have been absolutely dire.

DP started seeing a therapist and later a psychiatrist as his depression developed into delusional jealousy (Othello syndrome) which meant he thought I was cheating but he didn't tell me. He just started behaving really nastily to me and following me, trying to control me, denying me access to money etc - it was very scary, especially when I eventually found out what he was thinking (with absolutely no basis) and the GP couldn't do much as although I got DP to appointments he wouldn't take the meds, lied to the GP about his state of mind and insisted on seeing therapists privately. GP told me to phone the police if DP became physically violent. I was rejected for NHS counselling and had no money( he cleared the accounts) to see someone for help. It has been 4 years of hell.

We are slowly recovering and now this crap poisoned pen letter - but they are real letters - it's his writing and it does make me think why now? TBH and this might sound heartless but I've had enough of madness and mayhem - I just want someone to look after and coddle me for a change.

As for the OW when you first met 30 yrs ago - she sounds like she might have been manipulative and demanding and that he felt very guilty about leaving her in a fragile state. So it might have taken a while to severe his ties - but he chose you!! And he did choose you. There is no way she would be so vindictive toward the partner of a man (boy?) she ended things with three decades ago otherwise.
As for MIL - I’m sorry it’s been a horrendous episode in your lives - but we cant choose our family and I’m sure it was hard for him too?
Ditto his mental health issues?

I think what matters is that you need someone too, and your anger resentment and doubt is affecting how you go forward.
Try (easier said than done) not to dwell in the past and fuel negativity. What matters is who you both are now and whether you can meet each other’s needs. I hope it gets better OP. But it’s a journey isn’t it. Try counselling, talking with friends and with OH - and tea?