I have lost my mojo...is it my life or am I depressed?

[Bubblesandcake]

I'm a single parent to 2 dd's and also a student nurse in my final year. I do not enjoy the training/uni but I have come too far to give up. I know this has an impact on my own mental health but have no choice. I don't have much free time but when I do, I find myself just wanting to go to bed and sleep. Not because I'm tired, because I don't feel happy and when Im sleeping I don't have to face reality. I have absolutely nothing to be unhappy about. I feel selfish typing this. I have 2 beautiful dd's, our health and a nice home (which I can barely afford).
I do get down that I have to work alot aswell as study and juggling childcare is so difficult. I envy people with families, who invite them over for Sunday lunch or just a coffee and a piece of cake. Nobody ever takes my dd's out. I feel so much pressure physically, mentally and financially. I know financially it will get better ( hopefully).
I know I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I am feeling quite sad and don't have anyone to talk to. I went to the doctors about 6 months ago and he prescribed me anti depressants but I couldn't handle the side effects.

You sound like you're working hard studying, working and looking after kids with not much help. That kind of pressure can affect you.

I sometimes find myself completely flat or demotivated. I couldn't tell you why, exactly. On paper my life is very good - good job and income, great family, lovely house. But I feel completely detached from happiness. Never look forward to anything. I don't get anxious or stressed, or even really very sad. Just completely flat, like nothing really matters.

Mental health issues run in the family (my father killed himself at the second attempt, and my mother is an abusive narcissistic alcoholic).

MH can be an odd thing. It's hard to decouple circumstances from genetics. I offer my circumstances because I think in my case it's almost certainly something about me that makes me feel this way, and not my life circumstances - I may very well be genetically pre-disposed to feeling like this.

In your case, your life sounds hard! No one would blame you for feeling a bit down from time to time, so I suspect you're entirely normal! You should be proud of what you're managing to do - many people couldn't manage it.

OP I think you sound like you're doing an amazing job at holding it all together even if it doesn't quite feel that way. Hang in there, once you qualify things will get easier and you can give yourself a huge pat on the back for achieving so much with no assistance.
Also if you can pay for a babysitter even for just an hour try to treat yourself to a massage, an hour of counselling, even just a walk to get some self-care time. You deserve it!

OP, it's really hard work being a parent. It's really hard work being a student nurse. Put those two together and I'm not surprised you're so tired, and are struggling.

Is there any way you could speak to your course leader (sorry, I don't know the correct term) and perhaps get yourself a break? Perhaps get a week off to get yourself together a little bit?

If not, you're at least on the home straight now if this is your final year. Things will get better in time. And as your DDs get older they'll take up less of your time too.

Hang on in there. See if you can get some sort of help, and don't give up. You're good.

My DD qualified as a nurse 2 years ago. She did work part time, she was single and living at home. She was very stressed out, and that was with no kids/financial worries etc!

You have 2DD AND studying, placements, no support etc, I think you should give yourself one heck of a pat on the back OP. You are amazing, and I mean that truly

You are almost there and once you have that piece of paper, it will open doors for you and life will get better.

You are doing a fantastic job OP, you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

I have also been a LP working and juggling childcare, very reliant on the kindness of school mums etc, so I do know how hard it is. You do need some respite though, do you know any school mums who would have your DC for a couple of hours? Is that feasible? Are you entitled to any ‘free’ childcare?

Awww thankyou all so so much for your messages, support, kind words and sharing your personal stories. That means so much to me, truly.
I posted today because at one point this morning I felt something I have never felt before. There have been times where I have been so stressed and handled it. I know all you busy mums k ow how it feels to be busy. We don't know how we get it done but we do. We are pretty amazing right?! Today, was different, my mind was racing so much, I felt anxious and so irritable, more than ever. I can't explain properly but I felt so overwhelmed.
I ordered a takeaway and now I feel more settled. My dd's are in bed and I feel calmer. So lovely to read messages. Sometimes it gets so lonely. Thankyou all.
I have 2 weeks off for Easter now. Although I have so much work, I'm going to try to take some time out.

I'd say you are temporarily depressed with reduced mojo due to the stress of your life. I know the feeling of that as you get to the end of study and have just had enough and I had less stress than you.

Get through your finals any which way you can and things will improve. It's survival mode for a few more weeks. You can do it.

Studying in itself can be very lonely OP, nobody else really understands just that. Please continue your studies, however hard it may get, it will pay in dividends for you.

If you get low/lonely/anxious/stressed please keep posting here, someone will always answer with some positive reassurance I’m sure

Thankyou all for your encouragement, it means alot. I won't give up now, I have come too far. I just don't think it helps with my every day routine as work/study is a big part of it. The whole experience has made me more anxious. I know something isn't right as I have woken up today with a sick feeling in my tummy, wondering how I'm going to face the day. I don't know how to kick myself out of it. I have had days where I feel a little tired and find it difficult to motivate myself, but I always find a way. I plan a workout or write down the things I need to get done, I cook a nice meal.
I don't know if it's because I have 2 weeks off and I know I won't see anyone. Part of me feels like I'm so used to being busy, I'm not good at not being. Keeping busy takes your mind off of loneliness too, I guess.

KOKO bubbles. It will get better once you qualify. Nursing is such hard work but the support and camaraderie from other nurses is second to none. Plus look at the amazing example you are setting for your DC. I get how you feel though - I look like I have the most great life but get really blue and anxious for nothing I can put my finger on. I think we just live in such a busy, pressurised world and we worry about our DC and the shit that goes on in the world and it just gets too much sometimes 💐

Honestly, you're doing an amazing job with taking care of your DCs and a ton of stressful studying. Think of that amazing moment when you graduate, your kids will be so proud of you. Hang in there for the next tough bit and then a new season of life will start.

How old are your children OP?

Hang in there it will get better but you need some time to do something for you. A gym class or a swim or anything like that? I know you say you don’t get much help mbut sometimes you can find local classes where the kids can come, depending on their ages. Xx

Thankyou all so much, so lovely of you all to take time to message me.
My dd's are 12 and 10. They go to a couple of clubs during the week and I know I should use this opportunity to exercise but I don't because I feel like there is always something else to do. I just can't seem to motivate myself. I'm going to try to go to a class tonight. It might help shift my mood.

@Bubblesandcake I'm in the same boat: single parent of 3, trying to study/work/parent/run a house etc and feel exactly the same. You're not alone x

I admire all those single parents that parent/work AND study, you really are amazing, great big pat in the back to all of you

You say you’re going to bed and you’re not tired but I’m exhausted just reading what you do!
I would imagine you’re very very tired and have just got so used to being tired that it feels normal but your body is screaming for a rest.
Exercise is important but it’s not good if it becomes another thing that you HAVE to do or another thing for you to feel a failure about if you miss.
I remember having a holiday from uni once where I realised that I only had friends at uni and no one I could ring if I wasn’t at there, it was hard but it all changed once I started my proper job.

I think you need to go into super self care mode and by that I mean give yourself permission to rest so you can get through this very stressful and tiring bit.
You sound lovely so I’m sure you’ll have no problem making friends when you have a bit more space in your life but for now focus on your uni and kids and do the bare minimum in everything else.