controlling and manipulative mother

[wrongagainalwayswrong]

My DM was quite controlling through my childhood. She was very overbearing and involved in every aspect of my life. She listened in on all my phonecalls, read everything I wrote, shamed me for it, and constantly asked people what they thought about me. The opposite side of that was that she did everything for me. Dressed me, tidied my room, made my bed, sometimes she would even insist on doing my homework for me because she could not stand me getting bad results. As I’ve got older this has also turned into aggresive generosity – giving me money when I don’t always need it, offering lots of childcare (which saves me money) and prevents me relying on others, and offering deposits for houses.

She offers all this yet has always been over critical and never happy with me. So it’s very confusing to me why she would be this generous while at the same time disliking me so much.

Her thoughts and feelings around my DC have started to become a real problem for me. I am a single mother (after an abusive relationship – unsurprising huh?), and I have some anxieties around some aspects of parenting. For example, I have suffered some health anxiety, worrying that something will happen to me and I will die and no-one will be there for the DC. Because she has been so freely generous with childcare I have relied on her a little to take them and sought reassurance from her about my anxiety.

Instead of reassuring me or not wanting me to be anxious, this has led her to try to take even more control of my DC while seeming to enjoy my suffering. If she takes them for a few hours, she will extend it out or go out of the house, so when I go to pick them up, nobody is there and she won’t answer her phone. Or holding various bits of equipment for the DC hostage – like high chairs, car seats or pushchairs. I can’t afford multiples, so when she has them I’m essentially a prisoner in my house with the DC until she decides to bring them round, and even then she will insist on coming with us if I take the DC out.

She is also very critical of my parenting and tells me frequently that I do not have the best interests of the DC at heart. Especially if I take a break or buy something for myself. Or if I don’t give them attention 100% of the time. She keeps using words like "welfare" and comparing my parenting of my DC to her parenting of me, which apparently was perfect. It is very manipulative.

I know I need to extract myself. It’s just the thought of doing this alone that is terrifying for me

I'm sorry for you Op but you're doing the right thing by writing it down and coming on here for advice. You know you are much better off NC with her? Also, remember she lies (to you and herself) to make you think you're a bad parent. You're obviously not. Someone with good advice will be along shortly. Good luck

If you keep allowing her any contact with your children she will use the time to alienate them from you.

She sounds awful, OP.

She is being so manipulative of you. It's abusive.

You'd be better off without her.

She sounds utterly poisonous, OP.

I have a 'D'M just like that. It took me years of reading and therapy to actually get my head round the fact she never liked me, and actively enjoyed it when things went wrong for me. Totally headwrecking. I now have very, very little to do with her for my own sanity.

I don't have DC so don't know how my mother would have behaved with them (though I have a pretty good idea), but I'd have thought your absolute priority now would be to sort out alternative childcare. You can't have her abusing you and holding you to ransom like this. There must be other options - even radical ones. Can you tell us a bit more about your situation?

I think it's great you've posted here. A first step to creating a good life for yourself and your DC. You really deserve better than what you have now. I hope you realise that .

I think the biggest problem I have is a kind of Stockholm syndrome where I believe everything she says about me. Like that I actually am incapable. And as much as people say to me that she’s wrong and my belief is wrong, I think that they don’t actually know and I must be an especially shit type of human that no one can comprehend because no one knows me as well as her.

"And as much as people say to me that she’s wrong and my belief is wrong, I think that they don’t actually know and I must be an especially shit type of human that no one can comprehend because no one knows me as well as her."

Are you me? Her messages are in your fundamental self image/ego and your body responses (anxiety etc) are primed as thats how you've been trained. VERY difficult to change but not impossible.

See if you can find a very good trauma therapist and make sure that they really understand about dysfunctional family dynamics.

And its totally okay to go NC. In fact probably what you need to do. But baby steps are things like "no is a complete sentence", building up your own resources etc.

Check out outofthefog.com and outofthestorm.com

Its really really really hard getting over this kind of crap from your mother. How well do I know....

I know this well too. Out of the fog is a greet website for support.