First time mum to be with crazy mother in law, need help desperately

[missmolly01]

HI Guys
New to this, I am 4 months pregnant with my first baby and I am very high risk, i have an extremely rare form of Muscle dystrophy and i also have hypothryiodism and i am up against it with my mil and need advice on what to do, bare with me while i try to get it all out, not great at setting up the scene but here is the story so far...!
She was always controlling and never really liked me due to me stealing her only son even though i try my best to involve her in everything and have sincerely tried to build a nice relationship with her as i lost my own mum at a young age and i moved to be with my husband so dont really have anyone close where i am now!, she has created a major issue during ever big life event we have had so far, example when we were getting married she had a boil on her back and told everyone she had cancer even though the doctor said it was just a boil (she is also a retired nurse so she knows) but was trying to create drama to take from the wedding, and so on with buying our first home she told everyone i was just a lodger because we werent married yet and i was a friend of my partner! (loads more on the house situation but wont bore you) and i never really had a foot to stand on with her due to my husband being stuck in the middle, well now i have fallen out with her, i was 8 weeks pregnant and had a first scan (hospital is bringing me in for a scan every few weeks due to high risk) and we asked her to come out to look at the scan pics, we had only told her and my dad so were very excited to share smile meanwhile she was a witness in a court case (minor one) and was making a huge deal about it, earlier the same day she had obviously told loads of people that we were expecting even though she wasnt supposed to and when she went to drum up some drama and get some sympathy she got the oh but dont you have a grand child to look foward too and she didnt get what she wanted out it and by the time she came out to us she was like an antichrist! we tried to make the most of it, gave her the scan pics and she threw them on the table with even looking at them and shouted at me for a half an hour about how i wasnt acknowledging how stressed she was and how i was taking it all away from her, we were both so stunned that we just stood there until i told her to leave, later on i had pains and a bleed and a trip to the hospital docs said that i was to stay away from stress like earlier that night, i was so mad with her, she knows what stress can do to a high risk like me and that this was her first and only grandchild, i rang her and told her that i was done with her and that i was blocking her from my life that she was still welcome to come out and see my husband but for my sake and babies sake we were staying away from her until she decided to change her ways, her answer to that was well im not talking to you until you apologise for stressing me out!, its been a blissful few months for me since and i have started to relax and enjoy being pregnant but shes started up again!! she is trying to manipulate a situation where i bump in to her because the court case is over now and she wants to use the pregnancy to get her attention again, we were out shopping the other day and she rang my husband who foolishly told her this and 5 mins later she rang again saying she locked herself out of the house and needs to be let in... I said to him no way am i going with you, leave me here and come back for me, when he went down she got thick with him because i wasnt with him and started rowing with him, she's doing it again now with easter, she's invited loads of family friends over for dinner telling them its to celebrate me being pregnant and then told my husband, thinking i wouldnt be strong enough to tell people whats going on or to embarrassed not to show up, now my husband has had enough of it and is starting to fight with me asking me will i not just go and move on, she has not once apologised or acknowledged what shes doing so no way but what do i do next, how can i get though the next few months with her pulling sneaky tricks and causing drama, i wish i could go into hiding but its a small area i live in... i have gone to a counsellor with my husband about a month ago and he said to either cut her out of my life or she needs to go to counselling herself but she refused to go when my husband put it to her. help please! thanks in advance

No useful advice, just bumping this for you until someone more helpful comes alone.

It sounds awful and for what it’s worth, you’ve absolutely done the right thing going NC and I think your husband needs to stop listening to her poison and support you.

Tell your midwife and get your midwife to tell your husband that stress could have really bad consequences for you and your unborn child.

Maybe your dh needs to hear it from someone outside to act on it.

Why do you need to go anywhere near your mil. Your husband can go to the Easter party alone surely.

Sounds more like your husband doesn’t mind throwing you under the bus if it means his mother leaves him alone whilst she’s focussing her venom on you.

Why didn’t your husband throw his mother out when she was shouting at you?

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy MissMolly. I’m pleased to hear that the doctors are keeping a close eye on You and your baby and that you are doing so well.

Your MIL sounds exactly like mine, she has 5 adult children and 3 of them will now have nothing to do with her because of exactly the type of behaviour you describe. One has limited contact with her and only one sees her regularly ( and his wife barely tolerates it ). It’s been like this for about 15 -20 years now.

Eventually each of these three children decided that they had to choose between their own sanity/ their marriages / children and dealing with their mother.

I’m afraid that your husband has now to decide for himself . Either he supports you in your choice to have no contact or he risks his own mental health and ultimately his marriage and seeing his child every day .

It’s not you who is forcing this choice, it’s his mother .

He needs to respect your wishes and Put your and baby’s health before his own need to always obey his mother. He will have to deal with the FOG - fear obligation and guilt - in his own way. Many people find counselling helpful .

At the moment he feels bad, so he want to force you to see his mother. That way, the person who feels upset will be you and not him.

That’s not a reasonable way to treat anyone, let alone your pregnant wife.

Please read the “ Stately homes “ threads on the Relationships board here on Mn and you will find that sadly you are not alone .

Awful Woman! Sounds toxic. Who does that?! Stay strong OP. She's not going to give you a genuine apology. Look after yourself and your baby. Ask your husband if he'd put up with you behaving like that? Or your child? Unlikely.

Yes tell your midwife what's going on and get her to speak to your husband about how serious the risk of stress is to you and your unborn baby.

Don't go to the Easter gathering. It will do you no good at all.Going NC is a good move.Your MIL sounds like an evil toxic witch.

I agree with getting your midwife to talk to your husband, it sounds like even he doesn’t know how stress can affect the baby. He needs to respect your wishes to be no contact and stand up to the toxic woman.

Remind your dh his loyalty has to be to you - and the baby.
His dm is risking any involvement with her dgc and he absolutely needs to spell that out to her.
I would suggest not seeing her at all if calm is prescribed for your health right now. Dh can see her if he wishes of course. Boundaries now for her visiting your home before the baby arrives.

Agree with what’s been said
Also don’t tell her when you go into labour
Wait a couple of days at least after baby arrives
She will ruin it all otherwise

Read the book toxic in laws, it may help you get an idea of world you are now living in.

The other thing Is to tell your husband that he either puts you first and tells his mum to leave you alone, or he goes and lives her.

Your issue is him not supporting you and putting you in a stressful position, not her. She can blabber as much as she likes. His priority should be you. And if not, he shouldn’t be a husband and father.

Sounds harsh, and very hard to do (for him as well as you) but baby is number one here. Not him or his mother.

Had pretty much identical issues and as far I am concerned, the bridge has well and truly been burnt. She doesn’t get to pick and choose how she’s treats you. Your husband should stand up for you and the baby

You need to go with your husband to see your doctor and have the doctor reiterate that the stress from your MIL and your husband fighting with you over her could cause you to loose the baby. Then just carry on. We'll done for being so sensible about it all.

Show your DH this thread. It might help get the message across and ensure he supports you.

Don't show him this thread! That is always bad advice.

This is a safe place, where you can vent in peace and get good advice. Showing him your thread will just result in 'well they are all a bunch of vipers' or at best 'stop airing your dirty washing in public', this cutting you off from advice and support.

Re your situation- I'd think long and hard about your relationship with DH - he doesn't sound as if he has your back at all. Which is not uncommon with children of narcissist mothers. They are always too scared, or too controlled, to confront their mothers. It's easier to get you to behave, to 'move on', to acquiesce.

Why would it cut someone off from support?

You don't have a MIL problem.

It's extremely clear that you have a DH problem.

He's telling you out loud that he expects you to fall in line and bow to keep his mother happy. She behaves like this because she KNOWS he will side with her.

I advise you to build your a support network outside your dh and his family

No, do not go to this Easter meal,ambush say calmly to your husband you are not prepared to put your baby/self at risk to your H, he can go on his own if he so desires. His monkey mother, his circus.
He can choose to be manipulated by her, but you certainly cannot afford to risk any stress from her.
Let her moan, have hysterics, make a scene....So What ? it doesn't matter, if you give in it is only going to give way to more of the same.
& yes, Tell your midwife.

Because, MrsMozart, if he knows about this thread, it's like eavesdropping on a support network OP has.

Any advice she gets or takes, he can then circumvent, or twist. Or, he just minimises, saying MN are 'all just men-haterz' and he will advise her.

if someone is already confused, and cant turn to her DH because he is too close to the problem, showing him her support network will just serve to remove it.