Why can't I just let this go?

[southernharp]

So my exh left just over 18 months ago after a25 year relationship. Not happy, your fault, blah blah. At the time I asked if he was having a relationship with a particular colleague who was also an acquaintance of mine. He absolutely denied it. Four months later she is round at his place all the time and then I discover via a misdirected email that they have tickets to go on a flash long haul holiday together. I tell him he is a lying fucker and he asserts they are just friends. They come back from their trip veryclearly not friends. Now she is going on holidays with my kids and bitching about me and telling me to my face that my marriage was a sham. I have left the place where I lived now and got a new job cos they live there and I feel entirely isolated. Now my mum has died and I feel so alone as they continue to muscle in on my children together. My ex seems to think I should accept this and be polite and nice and compliant. I hate them both with a passion so strong that it frightens me and I am so far from letting it go that it is practically invisible.

OP this is a truly shit time for you.
Please get some counselling or therapy to help you through all of this.
It's a lot for one person to deal with so get some help.

How old are your children? Poor you though, don't forget you are your childrens mother, she will never ever replace you no matter how hard she tries. Try to focus on yourself and making yourself happy, focusing on them will only make you bitter. You can get through this

The kids are 11. I am probably just dreary old Mum who does all the school stuff and the ferrying about and who is so generally shit that no one loves her. I worry that I am already bitter.

You need to change that attitude and opinion of yourself for a start. I agree with hellsbellsmelons that maybe you should see a counselor and maybe a self confidence/self esteem group. You need to learn to like yourself again.

You are not a dreary old mum at all. Don't be bitter. What you need to do now is fake it til you make it. So just pretend that you are not bothered. Be indifferent it will infuriate both of them and you will be the bigger person. In the meantime whilst your heart recovers do things that make you feel great about yourself. Enjoy the time that you have to yourself when he has the children. Wear only the clothes that make you feel fab. If wearing makeup makes you feel great then wear it. Keep your chin up you can do this. xxxx

But how do you not be bitter? It's not something that can be turned off. When the kids are not with me I feel literally alone in the world.

I know its hard I'm just saying for your own sake try not to let that bitterness overwhelm you. I'm sorry for how you're feeling do you have any friends or family nearby?

I'm so sorry OP you are grieving on a few fronts at the moment. For what it's worth I wonder if what you call 'bitter' is in fact anger that you don't have an outlet for, perfectly reasonable anger at that.
It might be worth as previous PPs have said talking to a counsellor just to give you a safe space to work through and process that anger so that you can acknowledge your hurt and grief without feeling it so acutely each time.
I'm sure your DC think the world of you, mine are a similar age and at peak-activity but pre-independence stage, also transitioning to secondary school - life can feel like a constant whirl of activity and that must be exhausting along with everything else.
You sound like someone with a lot to give - make sure you give it to yourself. Good luck.

I understand exactly how this feels and my heart goes out to you. When my partner and I split up he moved straight in with the OW and immediately expected my DS to play happy families with them. The OW took him out on shopping trips, to the football, theme parks, meals out, showered him with gifts etc - all sorts of things that I could no longer afford to do. At the same time she filled his head with stories about me being mentally ill, mean with money, unable to care for him properly etc (the OW had never, and still has never, met me). Meanwhile I felt I was boring mum who had no spare money and was always going on about healthy meals, schoolwork etc. My poor DS was so confused and unhappy - for a while it coloured his view of me and made him incredibly anxious about his own wellbeing and mine. When he was with them I felt utterly bereft and so worried about what poisonous fiction they would be telling him. All I can say by way of reassurance is that, although it went on for several terrible years, he then point blank refused to go to his father's house any more. He said he would see his dad but not with her there - consequently he's seen neither of them now for over two years. My DS and I occasionally talk about it even now and he said he felt he had to go along with what they said and did because he was too young and confused to stand up to them but now when he looks back on it he feels very angry at being misled and manipulated like that. The bottom line is that what children value above all is stability and unconditional love. You are providing that for them and in the long run your relationship will not be threatened by anything your ex and his partner can offer. It is so hard to get through but there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

It's early days for you. that anger is good for you.
You don't sound like the kind of person that will hold onto bitterness. That will only kill you not them.
I know it's a line trotted out over and over.
But the best form of revenge is to live your life happily
you might not be able to do this right now, but focus your mind that at somepoint in the future you WILL be able to do this.
xx