Having the courage to leave

[HappyPear]

I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. I've spent a lot of time here reading about people in similar relationships to mine and I know what I need to do, I guess I just need it reaffirmed and actually writing it down will make me see just how awful the situation is.

I'm 32, been with DP for 3 years. Lived together for 10 months, no children. At first he was charming and quirky but has gradually revealed himself to be a deeply unhappy, negative, emotionally abusive bully who has picked away at me and kept me on edge for so long I feel like there's nothing left.

Over the years I've caught him messaging 5 other women, some sexual, some what I would say constitutes him looking elsewhere and/or emotional affairs. I was having an incredibly tough time and was off work sick, during which time he resented me because I was "ruining his life", while messaging a woman abroad, telling her how wonderful she is and offering to pay for her to come to the UK. I should have binned him off then, obviously, but he plays the "damaged little boy" and I'm obviously a bit of a mug. I'd never checked anyone's phone before in my life - one day his phone fell out of his pocket and I picked it up to hand it back to him he snatched it off me like it was on fire, hence my suspicions being raised.

When I don't do as I'm told straight away he says I should be "obedient", he calls me a dog and worthless. He's massively insecure and despite a much better start in life than me he has consistently underachieved (I was with him for his kind, fun personality when I met him, I never cared that he didn't have an amazing job) and is incapable of taking any responsibility for himself or the things that happen to him.

He expects me to do everything for him - I can barely have a shower without him banging on the door to come in. Even in bed I have to change position 10 times and lie how he wants so he's comfortable, it's fucking ridiculous. He makes comments about my appearance and touches me in ways to make me deliberately uncomfortable under the guise of being "cute". He's grabbed me by the throat, pulled me down the stairs, pinned me down and slapped me when I objected to being called a dog. He threatened to slap me this morning because I didn't shut an inside door behind me before leaving the house.

We rent our house from one of his relatives so he constantly says, "this is my house" and threatens to make me homeless (as if I didn't live alone in a nice place before I met him!).

I've been seeing a counsellor and I tried to leave this year but he badgered me to stay. I've got a good new job and I'm learning to drive. I've struggled with depression throughout my adult life but at the moment I just feel constantly in fight or flight - I haven't eaten properly for days. I moved house a lot when I was younger - I've lived in about 10 places in just over a decade and the idea of packing my stuff up again exhausts me. I know I need to do it but I just need some emotional resource to do it.

This last week a nice bloke I know (and tbh had a minor crush on from afar) started chatting to me, asked me out and told me how attractive he thinks I am, which was a massive surprise. I have no intention of jumping from one bloke to the next (I see red flags everywhere now!) but it opened my eyes that my DP thinks he can treat me like a servant and I'll hang around when actually, there might be somebody nice out there.

Apologies for the long post - I know I need to go but I'll have to leave in secret which I'm finding hard to get my head around. Last time I tried to leave I told him in advance and he kept me up for days badgering me to stay. Alhough he's been awful I do love him and would have liked to end things on decent terms. Any words of support would really help right now.

Well, I'm happy to affirm that it sounds absolutely bloody awful. And he isn't just emotionally abusive - you seem to be minimising the actual physical violence that you've been subjected and threatened with.

The first thing I would do is invoke Clare's Law to see if there is a history of abuse known to the police. This will tell you whether it's likely you can get away safely without support from outside agencies, or whether you need to involve them in order to protect yourself.

Let's assume for a minute that you find nothing alarming through that process and know it's 'just' about getting out. What are the steps? It sounds as if the simplest thing would be to find a room in a shared house, and you would be able to afford this? Is there a tenancy agreement in place on your current property, and are you on it?

The next challenge is packing, and I think that as well as the physically exhausting nature of this, there's also the fact you will have to do it either in secret or with him hanging around getting in your head, or even being violent. Ideally what you need is to get all of your stuff out whilst he's not there, in one go. Are there friends who could help you? How much stuff is there that you need to take? Is there stuff that you could let go for the sake of a swift exit?

Make sure you have got essentials out of the house - identity documents, etc. Do you share a bank account? Can you secure your money somewhere where he can't get to it? Can you plan what you would do if he were to smash or hide your mobile? (This seems to be a very common technique).

Have you been honest with your counsellor about what's happening at home? What about friends? It's time to rip the veil of secrecy off this.

omg that sounds horrific, go go go, what on earth is stopping you??

Thanks for your replies.

I know I need to go. I don't think there's a history of violence - I know his ex girlfriend (who he spoke very poorly of before I actually met her and realised she's lovely - red flag) and we have spoken about some of his issues but as far as I know he wasn't violent towards her. I think I'm the most "spirited" of his recent girlfriends and because I give back as good as I get it escalates. Physical stuff is probably once a year, it's the emotional stuff that's worse and has had more of an impact. I'd rather a slap than someone who has calculated all of my weaknesses to verbally use them against me.

Thankfully we don't share a bank account so our finances are easily separated. He wouldn't have a clue where I keep important documents. I can't share a house because I have pets but I'll be able to manage a one bed flat. I can get time off work and I have friends who are willing to help (one if his friends pulled me aside, told me to leave and said he'd take time off work to help me).

I've got too much empathy for DP, he's basically an angry little boy with no impulse control in a grown man's life and he can't deal with it. I know it's no excuse, and I don't think he's capable of real change. We've had some great times and loads of fun together but it doesn't outweigh the bad at all and I don't think he even has a vision of his own future let alone the ability to share one with someone else. I don't want to waste my life and chance to have a family on that person though. I just wish I had someone to come and pack up my stuff for me and look after me for a bit - I feel mentally exhausted.

Poor you :( Do you have family or a good friend you could stay with until you sort out your own place? You need to leave sooner rather than later and stop feeling sorry for him!

I'm lucky - I have some good friends who will help me, I'm just stubbornly independent and struggle to ask for help because I feel like I'm imposing on people. I've requested a flat viewing and I'm going to have a clear out and get as much in order as possible.

It's really helpful when other people are horrified by what I live with - it starts to become normal. I'd never have seen myself in this sort of relationship - it's totally changed me.

Add me to the 'horrified' list......

Horrified too here! Didn't even read it all, this is not normal in the slightest OP.