A little advice please

[Witchofthenorth]

Hi all,

Wondering if I can sound off a little and garner some advice.

I have been with DP for 18 months although we have known each other for much longer. I have been separated from my husband for 5 years and have 4 children. They are 15, 13, 10 and 6.

I guess my question is (and his, was his suggestion to post), is it normal for him to feel slightly resentful of the children and does that make him selfish? He has no children of his own, him and his ex partner did not have. It was a combination of not wanting to begin with (his side) and then it transpiring that they were not able to (her side).

We live together and he is very involved in the kids lives, there is an attachment.

I work part time and am there for the kids 90% of the time but I also do volunteer work and sometimes have to attend meetings in the evenings. I think sometimes that he feels "put out" that I leave the children in his care.

I work weekends and the children are normally with their father or extended family but sometimes my older two want to stay home so we more often than not have them home of a weekend also. Which is fine, this is their home.

We spoke about this last night and I asked him if he feels resentful of it, not of the children, he loves them, but that he then becomes "tied" until I get home. He said he does at times. I guess what I am asking is, is this due to him not having children of his own and will it get any easier?

Please be gentle, he will be looking at your answers also.

He doesn't sound like he's entirely signed up to the stepdad role. To go from having no children and just pleasing yourself to having responsibility for 4 is going to be difficult for anyone.

He needs to accept you're a package deal though and if he doesn't want that then he's not right for you

I think it must be incredibly hard going from no children to then living with 4 children. When you have children it can hit you hard in the beginning how tying they are, but he has not had that at all. You never realise how free you are until you don't have that freedom any more. I don't think it's a negative on his part, just a new reality that he has had no preparation for.

I would think it would get easier as he gets used to it more and as the children get older they will need less "caring" and can be left at home alone for longer. - Perhaps when the younger ones are with family and the older ones are at your home.

Thank you for replying. It is very much appreciated, I don't want anyone to think that I don't realise how difficult it must be for him. It must be exhausting, going from none to four!! God I find it exhausting and they are mine 😆. We have a very open relationship and these things can be discussed freely and without anger or judgment.

We both feel guilty. I feel guilty because sometimes I think I expect too much and he feels guilty because he does love them and they have accepted him and love him back unconditionally.

I think his feelings are understandable although if he decided to move in with a woman and her four children within 18 months then presumably he was up for the change that would bring.

You are either living as a family (where he will occasionally be in charge when you have commitments) or you’re not, in which case he needs to move out and you both live separately.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. It's hard not to resent the limitation of freedom that children represent, let alone the noise and energy that a 13 and 15 can create. That's whether they are 'yours' or not. Coming into it cold is going to be harder. I'm sure he'll get more used to it, it sounds like he already appreciates them.

I honestly think a lot of non step parents feel like this sometimes too. Maybe just make an effort with him, ask him something he really wants to do, just the two of you and start from there.

Alarm bells aren't ringing at what you've written. You say there's love and an attachment and when asked outright he admitted he sometimes feels resentful but I think a lot of us feel resentful at being left 'home alone' with the kids at times - I know I have when my husband has a spate of meetings in the evenings with his voluntary work. And it may just be because I had taken a notion of scooting to Dunelm to look at cushions and his plans mean I'm soft furnishing-less.

Being resentful of feeling 'tied' to the house occasionally doesn't mean being resentful of the kids so as long as it's just that and he isn't showing any resentment toward the kids I can't see a major problem here.

Sounds like a nice partnership. Great you can talk so openly.

Thread reminded me of a Dad I know moaning once that he couldn't go out that Friday because he had to "babysit" his kids.

That took me to the fair - babysit your own kids?! Oh, the stick he got for that one. Dear me...

I have 4 kids of similar ages and I won't live with a man again (once I'm separate from stbxh) and certainly not whilst the kids are still at home.

It's hard enough when they're yours and you love them. I think.your dp seems to be doing a great job especially going from 0 (as was his wish) to 4. He must really love you and the kids. Carry on being open and make sure that you tell him that you appreciate him and how hard it must be at times but your children will always be your priority.

Also, I'm wondering why he would need to be ther/ feel the pressure as you have a 15 and 13 year old. Surely they are old enough to be able to sit/be left with the others occasionally so he would not need to feel so tied?

I don't think I have it in me, to parent any four children, even if i were only expected to do so 10% of the time. What has changed compared to what he was expecting? Did he think he could manage, or has the impact on him been more than he was expecting?

Clearly you come as a package with your children so he is required to make adjustments to his lifestyle. If you have never lived as an adult with children, It would be easy to underestimate what it would take.

I don’t see why he has to be tied to the house when the oldest is 15?
How long are you planning to wait til they can be left home alone - 16? 18? 36?!
I left my 15 year old DD home alone for three days while I was in Prague, she coped fine. She even baked me one of her yummy cakes for when I got home.

If there is an attachment why is he resentful? Resentful is a very harsh word

You come as a package and he knows that. I think it's ok to openly acknowledge that this comes with difficulties and yes it's ok to feel a bit resentful at times. However, that's all ok as long as the resentment doesn't build and as long as he doesn't hold it against you.

Resentful is perhaps the wrong word though...

Resentful is perhaps the wrong word. To be fair we both struggled to find a word to describe the feeling adequately.

To clarify, he isn't tied to the house with my older two, they can look after themselves. It's the younger two. My STBXH caused a big stoosh when he found out that I had left my older two to look after their siblings for a few hours when both me and my DP were working and I am now unable to let that happen.

Weekends aren't the issue and we do do things together and as a family unit. It's weekday evenings when I am at meetings for my voluntary work. It's an agency that's run almost exclusively by volunteers so meetings and training evenings are generally held in the evenings after everyone's work commitments.

It's new for both of us, especially him and he is a wonderful man who has really stepped up and been a fantastic role model for the children. He doesn't resent them at all, in fact sometimes I think they prefer his company to mine

We are both still finding our way. Appreciate all the comments and relieved to read that it seems normal. And I can understand totally. He has gone from being able to do anything at the drop of a hat to it being a full on military operation just to get the weekly shop around the busy social diary of 4 kids.

The kids struggled after me and their dad split up and it hasn't been the easiest transition for them so I think I am far more lenient with them than I should be. But our dynamic works. With my DP. I guess we are just trying to make sense of things and understand from each other's point of view.