Not sure how to deal with DH's reaction to my ASD diagnosis.

[FrannyDog]

When I first met DH he was fantastically supportive with my mental health issues - mostly panic attacks etc. So much so that they improved a lot.

After the birth of our third child I had really bad PND, but got help and had counselling and worked hard, and this has improved tremendously too. During the course of the counselling, it was suggested that my lifelong struggles may be the result of undiagnosed ASD. I read up on it in women (our eldest two have diagnoses) and it really fit.

So I decided to pursue a diagnosis, and to change the way I dealt with my mental health problems. Instead of constantly battling through them and battering them with CBT etc, I have been kinder to myself - given myself sensory respite etc and avoided situations which overload me instead of doing it and suffering later instead. This has changed my life - I am in total control for once and understand everything about the way my body and mind react to stress and overload. It has meant that I will say "no I can't do this" a lot more than I used too, though.

For some reason, this seems to have really pissed DH off. I got my diagnosis officially last week and he was mono syllabic about it, and then said he was going to struggle, as now he felt as though he constantly had to walk on eggshells around me. He said he feels as though I'm a different person now, and I'm not trying any more, that it puts a tremendous burden on him.

I really don't see how it's changed a thing for him. I very, very rarely ask him for help with anything, as it's always met with questions and complaints about me not being independent enough. I manage everything in the house exactly the same as I've always done, I deal with all the kids' stuff and all the accounts and paperwork and housework etc without him even being aware of any of it.

At the moment I am struggling with social overload a bit more because we are moving house and there is so much to sort out and deal with. I am under a lot of pressure and struggling because of the phone calls and having people come to the house to deliver things and connect stuff and I feel as though I can't mention this because it will just be met with silence and then incredulity, because it's only phone calls and people connecting stuff. Even though it's nothing new and obviously very common for people with ASD, which of course he knows because of our kids.

He said he doesn't understand how it could possibly make me feel the way it does, and that he needed explanations etc. I have sent him articles and videos etc that explain it, but he hasn't read or watched any of them.

I just think he feels conned into this life with me, maybe he thought I would one day get better and now he knows I won't, we just have to live around it. Maybe he doesn't really want to. He's out 3-4 nights a week at the moment pursuing a hobby which he says is his therapy, but tbh it doesn't feel as though he's present when he's there, he feels short and snappy with me all the time, but if I complain about this then he says it's "just the way he talks" and that he shouldn't have to change because I am over-sensitive to it.

My ASD feels like this horrible taboo that I have to jolly over and cover up all the time, which was so not the point of pursuing a diagnosis. It felt like a really positive thing for me, but it's just soured everything for him.

I may not be handling this well because of the ASD of course. Does anyone have any advice?

I think he's used to you battling through and doing things anyway and now you're realising its ok to say no this is causing friction.

I take it you're organising everything to do with the house move? What gives him the right to opt out of that? It's his house too.

I'm sorry he is being so self absorbed and unsupportive.

Of course this impacts him, you no longer feel the need to suffer in silence. Your diagnosis makes it harder (not impossible so it seems) for him to be lazy and selfish.

His hobby has become about respite from responsibility and I'm guessing he's a little perturbed by your newfound confidence. He's been used to you accepting gratefully whatever scraps of benevolence he's thrown your way but now, there's the real possibility that you might not just want but expect, his true support.

I think practically things might not have changed for your H but emotionally, the pendulum has swung and the dynamic has changed and exposed an inequity that you were probably blind to before.

Your diagnosis has been liberating for you but it appears to have had the opposite effect on your H and there's nothing you can do to make him not view your diagnosis through his prism of fear of change.

If he was supportive towards you, I'd say it might be because of the realisation that this was going to be a lifelong condition for you. But he doesn't sound supportive at all. Could be guilt about this (plus annoyance that he'll look like a shit if he doesn't cut you any slack). Could be because he's not actually a very nice person - some people get very upset at the idea that other people require extra consideration (or any consideration at all in fact).

Perhaps he liked to cast himself in hero mode and you as a plucky fighter that he could 'save'. Now you are saving yourself and this doesn't suit him. It could also be that you taking care to avoid certain situations inconveniences him. Ultimately he sounds selfish and like he hasn't really got your back.

I think it's possibly a bit of a man thing, well some men at least. I've known three men to play top trumps with this kind of thing. My own father would not accept that my own mother's health was declining faster than his. He's 12 years older. So to his mind he was dying, my mother was simply having a blip. She died. Five years later.....and no sign of him keeling over.

Whilst he may have been supportive when he thought intervention might "cure you" he's obviously struggling with the reality that you don't need a cure, can't be cured, this is as good as it gets and now it's the world around and those in it that need to shift to accommodate you. He's worried about what allowances he has to make. He's a selfish arse isn't he.

To me, I think it's the fact you're saying no to things you would have previously struggled through and that your techniques for dealing with things have changed. And those changes don't suit him.

It might be that he liked being the "white knight" who you saw as significant in improving your mh. If he's a rescuer type, then the damsel becoming self-sufficient isn't actually what they want.

The hobby sounds like he's opting out of family life.

Op, others have given insightful responses to your husband's behaviour. He is not supportive if he leaves you to deal with the practicalities of settling into a new house. This would be stressful for anyone, with or without ASD.

How exactly has he been supportive over the last few years? He's out of the house most evenings pursuing hobbies, you seem to do the lion's share of the wifework. As others have said, your diagnosis means you will expect more from him and if he doesn't step up he will be exposed as the selfish man he is.

I think you are coping as well as you can by saying no to things you find overwhelming rather than soldiering on. Put yourself first and demand he pulls his weight. His comment about walking kn egg shells around you sounds like a projection. It sounds to me like you're the one who has been walking on eggshells around him for years being grateful for his support.

I had similar with DH when I was diagnosed with dyspraxia. I never did get to the bottom of what he was unhappy about, but it gradually got better. Now we are a few years on and he is very supportive of it, considerate about the way the dyspraxic manifests and what I can manage etc. Maybe he just needed some time to get his head round it. Doesn’t sound like it’s been long for you, so maybe give him a while?

I am so happy to hear how your diagnosis has changed everything for you. Good on you for getting it and all the changes you are making.

It is a shame that your husband is having difficulty with it.

It could be that he just doesn't understand it but.....just a thought....could there be an element of him feeling he is losing his role in supporting you?

I mean, he was very good at helping you before - with panic attacks, etc - where he could swoop in and be the carer (of sorts) and you would turn to him but now you have control of this, you know what you need to do and that largely involves 'turning away' from him (in order to sensory de-stress). Could he be hurt/confused or miffed/ego dented by not being needed and being belligerent as a result?

I don't know. It depends why he's acting this way I suppose.

If he lacks understanding, can't see things from your point of view, or feels powerless and useless, talking with an ASD support organisation could help.

I would do that anyway. They could support you both following your diagnosis. We have a couple of great organisations here in NI but I don't know what you have available where you are but you're maybe already aware or in contact with your kids?

If he's a self-absorbed and impatient sort who simply resents your diagnosis that might be a little harder to deal with (not saying that is the case) but communication and education is key. It's a shame he is not reading the articles you sent but maybe that's too much? Walls of texts not the way to go with him? A support group might be able to help get the message/info across in a way he will pay attention.

Will he tell you if you ask him what aspect he is struggling with? I would talk with him first - explain briefly how it affects you, how the diagnosis has helped you immensely but you're also concerned with how he's feeling. Try and get him to open up about what aspect he's struggling with and perhaps get support from an ASD organisation.

Sorry this so long - I haven't had enough caffeine and am a waffler by nature.

Good luck with everything. A house move is horrendously stressful anyway so I absolutely get the sensory and social overload that goes with it!

People are weird about disability. If you’re on Twitter there’s a fantastic ASD community on there who might give you the support he is dramatically failing to provide.

I’m glad you got a diagnosis and feel a lot better.

We’ve got the situation the other way round, DH is the Aspie and our eldest, but her being on the spectrum has only emerged after we looked into it for DH.

I have read all the literature, to be able to understand him, and it saved our marriage.

Why is your DH not willing to read the things you sent him?
I’d be very disappointed.

You don’t have a disability, although it can be debilitating. There is nothing to fix or cure.
Maybe that’s what he has a problem with?
If he doesn’t read about it he won’t understand. Atm he sounds like a stroppy child.
I was hugely relieved to learn about DH’s ASD, it explained all those strange reactions and the social awkwardness.

Well done for learning to manage what you can and can’t do.
Self care and self compassion is vital for your mental health (anyone’s really) and knowing what you have to do to feel good is important.

Is it possible that dh was quite happy with your anxiety and overcompensating behaviour as you took on and did everything around the house. Now you know that you were already flying solo his laziness and selfishness has suddenly been highlighted.

How was he over your DC's diagnoses? Is he understanding of what it means to them?

“He's out 3-4 nights a week at the moment pursuing a hobby which he says is his therapy, but tbh it doesn't feel as though he's present when he's there, he feels short and snappy with me all the time, but if I complain about this then he says it's "just the way he talks" and that he shouldn't have to change because I am over-sensitive to it.”

Your ASD is a red herring. Your husband is the problem. Absent, selfish, unpleasant, dismissive. I believe the diagnosis for that is... Twat.

I think you have become accustomed to blaming every awkward interaction on yourself. And I don't think you are to blame for the awkward interactions between yourself and your husband - but he has become accustomed to you taking the blame.