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Original poster

How to make DD feel better about herself over friends behavior?

12 replies

Sakurasnail · 25/03/2018 23:35

In a nutshell, DD had a similarly quiet friend after starting the current school a year ago in yr5. Best friends, playdates, sleepovers etc. A few weeks ago DD and another of the wider friendship group were chatting about this friend 2 coming over one day after school. Since then, 'best' friend has deliberately been costing up to friend 2 and excluding DD. She's back to normal when f2 isn't around.

This morning I dropped DC off, DD went in to share some exciting news, which I saw her do. By the time the bell went, the group of girls walked past me, friend 1and 2 obviously walking separately to DD, giving me a sly side eye as they passed. Previously they would have smiled and said hi, so something is obviously going on. DD has reported no problems or fights, except for feeling excluded when these two get together.
We have a few things going on (illness/dh away) at the moment, so I want DD to be stressed as little as possible by these (not v good) friends, but how do I explain and rationalize their behaviour in a way she will understand without causing greater upset? They are mostly 11, friend 2 is 12.

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Original poster
Sakurasnail · 25/03/2018 23:38

Any words of wisdom for me would be appreciated too. Sad as it is, with everything else going on atm, this has upset me too Sad

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Teaandbiscuits35 · 25/03/2018 23:43

Speak to their class teacher. Explain what is going on in and out of school. They could have a word with the girls, at this age that's often all it takes.

Original poster
Sakurasnail · 26/03/2018 02:50

Thanks tea. I was hoping to keep it low key and not interfere, as I don't know whether this would make it worse. I wouldn't have expected this from a supposed best friend, but I know how fickle some young ppl are with loyalty and friendships. Unfortunately, it often seems to involve putting someone down in order to feel superior. It's just something we could do without on top of everything else right now.

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Onemansoapopera · 26/03/2018 23:12

I think the important thing to remember with girls is at this age, as far friendships groups go, they are all, without exception,even our own darling daughters, truly awful to each other at one time or another. Unless she daughter is an absolute model friend and Angel (she isn't, they don't exist) what I found useful for my DD was to listen when she was upset, then ask her what her role in the fallout was. Inevitably this helped her understand that 99.9% this is not personal between girls, it's very much circumstantial from one day to the next, sometimes you're in, sometimes you're out, much like life in general. I know it's hurts us when they get upset but these friendships groups are fluid and they have to be for everyone to evolve and grow. Usually it's a storm in a teacup and we end up more upset than them!

Original poster
Sakurasnail · 26/03/2018 23:30

Thanks oneman. I asked her about it after school, apparently friend 1 said DD had been a jerk to her last week while friend2 was away. She couldn't give any examples, and DD truly doesn't have a clue, but they had a go anyway. I saw DD and f1 a number of times before and after school last week, chatting away as normal, so it did feel deliberately manipulative, esp when they gave me the laughing side eye. I know DD isn't an angel, and have pointed out to her when I've heard the bossy/impatient voice etc, so maybe that's what it was.
Bloody kids!

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MinaPaws · 26/03/2018 23:40

Don't pay it too much attention in front of yoruDD. Keep an eye out for her moods, if she seems low or preoccupied.
Are there other friends you could encourage her to invite over, to strengthen other friendships if this one dies out?

OldGreyBadger · 27/03/2018 00:04

I don't want to appear like an old pedant, but I have noticed a lot of American spellings on this site from posters who are obviously British. (e.g. offense, defense) It's behaviour. With a u. (Retreats under storm of protest.)

SmileyBird · 27/03/2018 01:22

I don't want to appear like an old pedant

There’s an easy solution to that...

Original poster
Sakurasnail · 27/03/2018 04:05

Old grey what a strange comment Smile. Do you go round threads looking for words to correct? I'm amazed you can tell who is British though.
Anyway, my phone autocorrects to both, so it depends on how fast I'm typing and replying as to which spelling I'll use. As you may have noticed if you read my posts, you old pedant, you.

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Original poster
Sakurasnail · 27/03/2018 04:08

mina, yes, one other of the group, although I'm now wondering how this will change the group dynamics further. Still, I'd rather DD had one good friend than a few not very nice ones, so we'll carry on...

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MinaPaws · 27/03/2018 11:34

@OldGreyBadger - language is a living, changing thing. With the advent of the net, the corss over between UK and US spellings has now become so commonplace that US spellings are widely acceptable these days. We can't fossilise language. Except 'disinterested'. I'm fossilising the original use of that. (Sorry for thread hijacking but Badger started it. Wink )

Original poster
Sakurasnail · 27/03/2018 11:45

No worries. I thought it was a weird thing to come onto a thread and say anyway. Am I obviously British and therefore should know better? In which case, maybe I shouldn't be saying no worries either Grin

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