Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband is back but will leave again

26 replies

Mellie040 · 25/03/2018 22:25

My husband floored me nearly 3 weeks ago by saying he was having an affair with a customer from work and was moving in with her, he had known her only 3 weeks! I was heartbroken that he was throwing away a 23 Year relationship, married for 17 years for a whim and angry at his timing as our son starts his GCSE’s in May. A week after he left I asked to meet him for lunch to discuss the whole situation and pleaded with him, if he was having any doubts that we could still work on our marriage and told him that he was going to ruin our son’s life as he could not concentrate at school. During the week he had been away I had done lots of soul searching and realised that I had taken him for granted, got stuck in a rut and that the intimacy in our marriage had lapsed, we had only had sex 3 or 4 times in the previous year. The following day he asked to come back home and moved all his stuff back in and broke off contact with her. This was last week, I immediately tried to make up for lost time, lots of amazing sex, lingerie to bed, deep conversations and trying to be a family unit again. We had a first assessment session with Relate last Thursday and he admitted that he still had feelings for this other woman. Since Friday our relationship has deteriorated, no sex, and he makes no effort to hold my hand or have any physical contact, saying he is tired. Today I challenged him and he admitted that he has only come back to give our son stability until he finishes his GCSE’s as he does not want to mess up his life. He says he loves me but is not in love with me. I am heartbroken and am now having difficulty keeping up a pretence in front of our son. I still love him and truly believed he had come back to work on our marriage. What do I do, I want to throw him out, but then I am to blame for upsetting our son, how do I now act normal for the next 2 months and lie in bed with a man who does not love me? We do not have a spare bedroom. I feel completely desolate and drained. I now don’t even see any point in continuing with our Relate counselling, or do I continue to fight for our marriage over the next 2months? She apparently wants nothing to do with him. I cannot imagine life without him.

OP posts:

olgivywife · 25/03/2018 22:28

Kick his ass out. Your son isn't stupid and will know something is up already. And it's your HUSBAND that has caused the upset. Not you. Your husband sounds very selfish and I wouldn't be fighting for him.

becki3 · 25/03/2018 22:32

Oh, I'm so sorry for the pain that you're going through. This must be so hard!

Understandably, you don't want to upset your son, but could this have any chance of being an amicable split? After all, it sounds like he has gone through it once already.

Your husband however, does not deserve you and is exploiting your kind and forgiving nature. I wouldn't give him the time of day... to put it lightly!

letsdolunch321 · 25/03/2018 22:33

I would be throwing him out and taking his keys off him.

Cheeky fucker thinks he should come back for a couple of months then will leave again. No way, he can piss off now.

retirednow · 25/03/2018 22:37

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his action. He should sit down with your son and tell him the truth, i am sure your son wants you to be happy and not be made to feel it is his fault in any way. Your dh should leave and decide how he is going to support your son through this. Don't stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you, it will break your heart and you deserve better than this.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 25/03/2018 22:37

Oh dear, you need to take back some control here, who does he think he is! Please don't blame your marriage problems completely on yourself, it takes two. He could have made some effort with you instead of shagging someone else.

AnyFucker · 25/03/2018 22:39

Stop doing the Pick Me dance, it demeans you

Your husband is gone. Mourn that and move on without him.

MistressDeeCee · 25/03/2018 22:39

You can't fight for your marriage as he's already met the OW and she's got under his skin. You can't protect your son as you cant control what your husband does. It doesn't mean your husband will leave. Maybe he will maybe he won't, but you do need to decide whether you want a yo-yo relationship with him coming back and forth to you or not, as it's quite likely that's what will happen.

The unknown is a very scarey thing - but you may have to rebuild your life without him so look into doing that now because if he does leave then you will have no choice. You can neither make him stay, nor force him to return. Solo counselling could help you explore a way forward.

If your son is of age to take GCSE's then he already knows something is wrong.

Original poster

Mellie040 · 25/03/2018 22:53

Thank you all for giving me a reality check! He is incredibly selfish and seems to think that I will always be here for him. Time for me to get tough I think.

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 25/03/2018 22:58

Uncertainty is sometimes much worse than a "bad" outcome. Your son already knows something is up, it would probably be more useful for your husband to just be open with him, apologise, and to explain clearly what will happen next (he will move out, but see him X often, etc). Of course this will still be hard for you and your son, but not as hard as the awkwardness of DH staying at home.

retirednow · 25/03/2018 23:28

Has the fling kicked him out, please don't make yourself or your son unhappy. Tell him to speak to your son then he can make arrangements to move out. You will manage without him.

ShadesOfHoratio · 25/03/2018 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadesOfHoratio · 25/03/2018 23:56

Apologies for above post - posted in the wrong place. I've reported it - sorry again

Farmerswife36 · 26/03/2018 03:54

Please don't allow him to treat you this way . Get some self respect and kick him the fuck out. He is using you op and if he has feelings for the ow then your marriage is completely dead and buried . Please don't let him stay in the family home and show him that you will not tolerate his infidelity. Also you are showing your son that infidelity is ok by allowing your cheating scumbag to use and be little you this way . Show your son that your a strong woman who has self respect

Megthehen · 26/03/2018 04:58

Three weeks of love's young dream ...pathetic isn't it? Stop blaming yourself. He is not your friend more, probably sees you as a convenient place to stop, get his undies washed while he nurses his fantasy life with Miss Perfect. Can you start walking, swimming, netflixing, spring cleaning, gardening, being out more when he is there - to use up the nervous energy you have, help you sleep. Try and encourage your son to be single minded in his approach to his exams, structured revision. He needs quiet and calm to focus - suggest to your OH that he sits in McDonald's nursing a coffee and pissing about on his phone for a few hours rather than getting in your headspace and risking arguments at home....he should be willing to make sacrifices for your son. for you and best wishes to your son.

Original poster

Mellie040 · 26/03/2018 06:45

@Megthehen yes 3 weeks unbelievable isn't it. He says he didn't sleep with her until he left as he did not want to be unfaithful!!!!
I have so much hate for her, she is a Headmistress if a primary school in a local town, and apparently after her own marriage broke down had a 3 year affair with another married man and then moved my husband into her house with her young daughter!!! Great person to be guiding children in morality eh? I know I am trying to make her the villain and my husband is also to blame, I just cannot believe he is throwing our comfortable life away for someone he does not even know who has such an awful track record.

I know I am done with fighting this, I need to admit to myself that it is over and make plans for the future. Thank god I am financially independent as I have a good job, it is the emotional side that I need to work on and sorting out our joint finances and supporting our son who turns 16 on Easter Saturday.

My son is very supportive of me, the week that his dad was away he took on the man of the house role, which I do not want him to have to do. He needs to focus on his revision and get his high predicted grades to get into college for his A Levels, he is my focus.

Thank you all for the advice.

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 26/03/2018 07:26

So sorry OP. You do know that the line he has spun you about not sleeping with her until he left is a lie, don't you. And the three week thing probably is as well.

Timing is never going to be perfect, yes its a difficult time for your son, but he knows things are not right. Perhaps the back and forth of his father is doing more damage that him just knowing the truth. At nearly 16 he has worked it out for himself already. And, I can speak for this personally, staying together for the sake of the child, does more damage to the child than just making a clean break. I will pm you if you like, I stayed in my marriage for my dc sake, and did more damage to my dd that I ever knew I was.

I love you but not in love with you is the oldest line in the book. I had that one too. OP, no more begging and pleading. What is done is done. YOU haven't done this OP. YOU are not to blame. HE has done this. But it is up to you how you want to move forward. He doesn't get a choice. He fucked that one up good and proper. As for the OW, well they are as equally bad as each other.

Strength to you OP. PM me anytime, our situations are not the same, but similar.

BeyondThePage · 26/03/2018 07:38

Do not make the mistake of focussing your ire on her. He alone has made the choices that affect your life. Blaming her just makes it seem like he is some sort of victim.

He is not.

elsmokoloco · 26/03/2018 07:45

Your focusing your anger at the wrong person. He had already emotionally disengaged from you way before he left. He is only back to lick his wounds, and he has not suddenly remembered that he lives you. You are now a convenience, and no amount of you trying to give him chandelier swinging sex is going to catapult him into faithful husband.

MoyoGaza · 26/03/2018 09:29

You are in a dark place at the moment - and understandably so. It's a bad situation but don't make it worse. I fear you are in danger of sliding into the abyss, and living half a life when there is so much to live for. Now listen, shake off this dependency syndrome. Phrases such as I cannot imagine life without him and I immediately tried to make up for lost time... are borne out of confusion and desperation to hold on to what is frankly a broken, failing relationship that is slipping away from your grasp.
You come across as self-deprecating and self-blaming. Self - reflection and contemplation is healthy - but you are not doing that. You stand in awe of your renegade husband and blame yourself for the problems. it takes two to tango dear OP. Stop the pity party now!
And stop trying to hide this dysfunctional relationship from your son (and maybe your friends and family??).
This clingyness and desperation is an extremely unattractive quality and your husband senses that. What to do then...?

Have self respect and conduct your life with dignity
Realise that no matter how much you love him, if he no longer feels the same, or if his feelings are being diverted elsewhere then the marriage bed has been defiled!!!!! It's no small matter and stand your ground as a matter of principle on that. You can cry to your friends and seek comfort from your family, but don't violet yourself by showing him how desperately you need him and how badly you want things to work out. He should be the one doing the pleading because he is the cheater here. Don't trip over yourself. 3)Your blessing and greater good are not in the hands of a spouse who wants to leave. If he wants to leave. Let him!!!!!
Schedule an appointment for yourself with a counsellor and pour your heart out to him/her, all your fears etc and cry things out. It will do you immense good. Then start to map a new life. 5)Your son is will be fine - if you live in truth and honesty. Don't try to pretend things are what they are not. Its a lie and lies do not sustain you for long. In the long run, they are detrimental to your health - nd to your son's mental and emotional health too. 6)Don't focus on the other woman at all. Don't even focus on you husband any more. Begin to carve out a new life for yourself. Its a long tough road - but trust me my dearest, it's worth it. You are worth it! Don't give another human being such power over your life by telling yourself: I cannot imagine life without him. What utter nonsense! Let me know how you get on. Hold your head up high and take life buy the horns!!!!! Set backs happen, people betray us, but we aint throwing in the towel !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChickenMom · 26/03/2018 10:31

Could you get rid of him but have a deal where you lie to your son for next 8 weeks and say he’s been called abroad for work or a family emergency. Something like that. He’s had to go to Spain. Then get him to FaceTime him once a week. I know it’s not ideal but if it gets him through his exams and you both agree? Then as soon as he’s finished exams tell him what’s happened and that while dad was away you both realised it was for the best he stays away. Theres no ideal solution here so trying to think of things that might get him through. Or you camp out in the living room once he goes to bed rather than sharing a bed?

Original poster

Mellie040 · 26/03/2018 18:38

@MoyoGaza thank you for the message it does make sense and I will keep re-reading it. My son is my priority and I need to do all I can to protect him at this crucial time, this is my dilemma. I am a strong woman and I know I will get through this, I know he has gone from our relationship and I will find the strength to move on, I just need to decide if I do it now and risk my son's exam focus or live a lie until June.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 26/03/2018 21:57

I agree with the others.... Kick him out

Feckers2018 · 27/03/2018 13:49

You poor thing. I've been where you are with the I love you but I'm not in love with you crap.
I know you are in shock and won't be able to process advice.....I know I couldn't but here goes.
The OW is irrelevant if it wasn't the headmistress it would be someone else so its pointless blaming her. You have no idea what bullshit hes told her.
Saying that your son stepped up to become the man of the house....what does that even mean? He's only a child and he shouldn't have to shoulder any responsibility as you are the ADULT.
Stop doing anything for your husband and see a solicitor so you know where you stand.
As you can't throw him out you could ask him to leave asap.
I used my kids this that and the other as an excuse to not break up the family. Be aware there will always be something eg Christmas, starting a new school etc.
Act as if your marriage is over and do not beg or plead.
I would sleep on the sofa and wouldn't be washing or cooking for him.
Start to go out and see friends but be careful with alcohol.
Do not bring up any conversation with him. He has treated you like a fool since he came back. Those deep conversations meant nothing.
I wouldn't go to Relate with him as hes been abusive.

Come on! Stand up for yourself!

Adora10 · 27/03/2018 14:38

I doubt very much he only knew her 3 weeks, I don't believe a word he says.

You are not breaking up the family, he did that all by himself OP, he has free will I assume?

He's a lying cheating git that is taking you for a fool, having said that, you kind of blackmailed him into coming back to you by using your son as bait, not good either.

Get him to fuck, he's making a mockery of you and you are showing your son that will tolerate shit from any man and this is how men behave, they go, they come back, they go again, all wrong!

Tell him to get out and leave you in peace so you can actually start putting your life back together again, there's nothing to save here.

kikashi · 27/03/2018 15:46

Perhaps if the OW does't want anything to do with him , he had nowhere else to go. Your son knows he left the damage is done. If he stays your DS will be watchful and on tenterhooks all the time - it might actually be better if your H was gone.

If you let him stay then don't share a bed with him - he can sleep on the sofa/floor/get a blow up bed.

Flip

1 2