Enough reason to leave?

[fatcathatmat]

I've been in my relationship to a wonderfully man for nearly a decade.

He really is wonderful: he's kind, affectionate, he communicates with me, he does his share of the housework, he pays his fair share. He loves me very much and always looks after me. He's never hurt me and I know he never would. He'll be a wonderful father and he's excited to start a family with me.

The trouble is me: I don't know if I love him any more. I haven't found him physically attractive for a few years now (we've talked about how to improve our sex life and what I want, and he listens and has done what I've asked: it hasn't made the feelings come back). I'm very fond of him but I just don't feel passionate about him.

There's nothing wrong per se. I don't think he knows how I feel because I've always believed that love is about how you act more than how you feel and I have been present and affectionate and loving, in the hope that those feelings would follow. I used to feel more for him but never really anything profound. He makes me feel safe and he feels like family.

I suppose I'm just wondering if that's enough: do I want to start a family feeling like this? I'm in my twenties, I have time to find something more of its out there. But I feel like perhaps I should put more effort in, like I haven't tried hard enough? Or that is stupid to give up something so good on paper because I don't feel some sort of passion or desire. I don't even know if I should expect those things after so long. Help please?

You need to separate and give him the chance to meet someone who feels passionate towards him, just as you want that for yourself.

You're on a hiding to nothing trying to make a relationship passionate, particularly when you're so young.

Leave. I was with the perfect man in.uni, but I didn't find him sexually attractive in the end. I had an affair with a much older man and ended up hurting him badly. I still feel ashamed about the way I behaved.

There will be other men who are tick all the boxes.

I don't think you have a future I;m afraid. These feelings will only get worse over time and you may end up resenting him. You are so young to be committing to someone you don't love enough.

Don't cheat yourself (and him) of a passionate loving relationship by settling for this.

I felt the same in my mid 20s about someone I’d been with for 7 years. I think around the age of 27 is something of a pinch point for many couples who have been together for a long time but don’t yet have mortgages or kids. In our case we had gone through uni together, done masters and travelling, and around 25 real life started to kick in. He was a really great guy, ticked every box, but I couldn’t love him the way he deserved. I shouldn’t have waited another two years to end it, but I did because I kept hoping the real love would kick in. He was badly hurt, but went on to meet someone wonderful who adored him, could give him what he needed, and had two great kids. I still think of him fondly. He was terrific, just not the man for me. If your DP is not the man for you, be kind and let him go.