Would you tell her?

[moraldilemmahelpplease]

Hiya - really stuck on this one so please go easy on me...

ExDH of 3/4 years is a pain the arse. Still lives with his parents and hops between staying there and seeing the kids (at my place - he won't have them at his parents as it's a "death trap" and one of his parents is an alcoholic). Once or twice a week, he stays with his girlfriend who he's been seeing for coming on 3 years now.

ExH has his good points but can be a proper shitbag (hence why I walked away) and he has made zero moves to actually get his own place in all this time and to actually move on like a grown up and make a separate home to see his kids. His girlfriend would like to move in with him and eventually have kids of her own. She is mid-30's (as we all are) so time is not on her side. She has met the kids only once, 6 months ago but not since has he arranged another meeting for them all. She seems really nice person from what I know of her.

Because ex is constantly lurking around like a bad smell, my quality of life is very poor. I have been seeing someone myself for the better part of a year and he is yet to see the inside of my house because ex is there most weekends. I have no time to myself and he appears incapable of parenting our 3 DC without my help (or his mum's)! It's wearing very thin now and every time I've tried to gently broach the subject with him about getting his own place or moving in with his g/f, he loses his shit. Always has an excuse and money is usually the top one but he and his g/f earn over £100k between them so I'm not sure why they haven't been able to save up for a deposit between them? He certainly seems to have enough money for fags, booze, drugs, fancy dinners and designer clothes however! (Maintenance is often running late though! Hmmm).

Recently, it has come to light that he has been using drugs a hell of a lot more and also cheating on his girlfriend via one night stands that he picks up - 9 times according to a couple of our mutual friends, and this was later confirmed by exH during an argument we were having about his drug use. Now as if that wasn't horrible enough, it has also come out that he was boasting recently of "landing on his feet" with this girl as she earns even more than he does and that she's so keen to push things along that she's offering to pay most of the rent when (if?) they do move in together and that he's laughing that he's gonna let her. No doubt lying about how much he's paying me so he can pretend he's got no money...🙄

God I'm so disgusted with him and horrified that the father of my kids would treat someone this way. I'm normally the kind of person to mind my own business but I just feel so, so sorry for this woman and feel like she should be made aware of what a nasty cunt he is so she is not sleep walking into a situation with a cocklodger like I did.

On the other hand, if he takes her up on the moving in offer then I am finally free of him and his endless bull shit and my life will be my own again. After such a long time. Selfishly, if I tell her the truth and she leaves him, I'll never be free of the bastard and he'll be so furious with me for fucking up his dastardly plans that he will make my life a living HELL forever more. Plus, he might, in desperation, try to shack up with someone new who is not as nice as his current lady and who might be horrible to my kids (

So to sum it up,

1. tell the poor woman that she's likely being used for her wealth and exH is cheating on her ragged so she needs to get tested. I'll probably get painted as the evil ex wife but I don't care because even if she decides to stay with him then at least she will be in the know and can make her decisions based on the truth (I have text proof of two admissions of cheating although there is no proof of his potential goldigging). I will feel like I've done the decent thing by someone innocent and it might save her bacon too (and any potential future DC they might have from the pain my 3 are going through now)

2. keep quiet and let her learn the hard way (seems so harsh) and enjoy my freedom and "outward dignity" but will always feel guilty that I let another woman get played like this. I can't stand my ex and want shot of him badly. He may be stalling but if he goes ahead with her plans it's the quickest surefire way to get him out of my hair with no comebacks. However, at the cost of a decent human being who doesn't deserve what's coming her way...

So I'm really stuck between being selfish for the first time in a long while, or being decent to this woman to the detriment of me and my kids.

Both routes carry risk.

I'm not going to do anything (if at all) until the end of June, when my oldest DC finished some important exams (don't need the upheaval during that). But I'm thinking long term about what to do next. Feel shitty about it. Any thoughts welcome please!

You'll get good advice shortly I'm sure but just wanted to say I sympathise. Sounds like a nightmare - a nightmare you shouldn't be living because you did the sensible thing and got rid of him. You should he shot of him by now!

I wouldn't tell her. You didn't have a guardian angel guiding you - she'll learn (or not) as you did. I'm sure she is lovely but it's not your concern really although I get your annoyance. I'd stay out of it as you sound like you've enough to be dealing with.

Perhaps her presence might be reassurance for you during contact as he doesn't sound much cop as a role model?

I'd put my foot down about him always coming round, maybe contact CSA (still called this) and get maintenance on track. His fecklessness shouldn't be your or your children's problem. I feel for his GF but she's an adult so don't feel guilty.

tough one, she probably won't believe you - but stop letting him in your house

give him warning and then cut him off

She probably wouldn’t believe you even if you said something so unless you have some form of confession in writing I wouldn’t bother. She’ll think she knows him best. Leave her to find out the hard way unless you can prove it.

I think you’re asking the wrong question.

Stop him having the children at yours. Get your own life back on track, that’s the only bit you can control.

Stop enabling him tell him contact is no longer at yours and limit it to every other weekend

then put yourself first

If I were her I'd want to know. She could end up being too late to have children because of the time she's wasted with this greedy selfish cheating bastard.

I would tell her and I wouldn't allow him to see the kids in your home any longer.

Thanks everyone so far...x

Oh he is no longer welcome come the summer whether he moves in with her or not! I already told him at the start of the new year that I'd like him to get on with it sharpish, preferably by Easter or I'd make the decision for him. But then oldest DC specifically asked me not to make any big changes until after the GCSE period is over (end of June). And I completely respect that. DC1 asked this as before Xmas we were going on house viewings and looking to move (not too far - about 8 miles away). But we didn't find anywhere and left it too late in the day before the exams start. So we've agreed to put our moving plans on hold until the holidays. I'd imagine that cutting his dad out of our lives so suddenly counts as "big changes" so I'm playing nice for now and not willing to gamble with my DC's emotional well-being until the exam period is over - might thwart his chances and lower his grades, So nicey-nicey status quo until then. And that's non-negotiable for me. DC's needs come first.

By July however, it's game on. He can fuck off. I'm even willing to move house again and not leave him a forwarding address or key if it comes to it! I'm partially hoping he saves me the hassle and gets on with it himself but I think he'll try and string us all along indefinitely if he can - he's got everyone right where he wants them.

He's gone by the second part of this year regardless of if I tell his g/f the truth.

It's just the guilt I struggle with. How can I live with myself watching this poor girl walk into a living hell? He's fucking evil!

With that said, if I do tell her, he will make my life even more intolerable until the day I die...

Aaaaargh! Why can't people just be decent?!

Sounds like a crap situation

I think I’d try and tell her but do it in a really really neutral way.

I’d also stop all contact at your house - it’s total bullshit, he’s a drug user and clearly doesn’t prioritise his kids, if he can’t be bothered to arrange a suitable environment for them and can’t handle looking after them he shouldn’t have them unsupervised - this is what contact centres are for

Yes I definitely would prefer her to be on the kids life than some rando he's picked up. She seems nice and sensible and adores kids. And I would rather hand my kids over to him if she was there to oversee things - for sure! But that evil bastard is now making ME complicit in using this woman. And I hate it.

Just saw your update
Good on you 👍👍👍👍

I think firstly you need to toast up your own boundaries.

Firstly stop letting him into your house. He’s treating you exactly like he’s treating his gf. Why bother making the effort if you or his mum will do it for him? He’s not incapable of looking after his own kids, he simply doesn’t do it as it’s easier to let you two do it for him.

Secondly, it’s really mone of your business what he does in regards to his gf. Sounds harsh, but it’s really nothing to do with you. You need to step back from his life and him in your life! He picks the kids up, takes them to his parents, gf or McDonald’s and he drops them back, that’s all you need to know

I presume by your last update that he’s got a key to your house. That’s has to stop now. Change the locks, why would he have a key?

He has a key because for the past few years, he has been responsible for picking the younger DC up from the childminder twice a week and bringing them home to bed whilst I carry on working my shift.

I however, have a new job beginning on April 16th which will mean that he no longer has to pick up the kids any more. I've completely shifted my life around to make sure I'm not reliant on him any longer (he's often late and a letdown as well) and the relief that soon I'll be doing it all without his "input" is already palpable.

If we stay put in the house we're in I'll change the locks come July. But it's highly likely that we'll be moving on - the kids want to as well (just DC1 wants to pause everything for the minute, which I absolutely understand). Ex has had fair warning that I'll do this. I've been to soft in the past so I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe me. But I don't give a shit if he's shocked come the summer - this will be a long time coming...

Looks like I should toughen up regarding his poor g/f then. I know it's none of my business (well I like it not to be). But my god this prick keeps getting enabled by all of us and someone has to be brave and put a stop to it one day, right?! Otherwise this is how people like him get away with it time and time again.

Bloody arse.

I know I said previously that it’s none of your business. I still stand by my comment about setting boundaries with him, but I’d be sorely tempted, once you’ve sorted him out to tell her

I agree with @Thebluedog because it's more important to get you and your children sorted out.

However, once that's over and done with, I would probably tell his girlfriend. Previous posters are right, she might not believe you, but I would want someone to tell me the truth, if I was in her situation. Also, you make a very good point in the fact that, if they were to have children, what kind of atmosphere would they be brought up in/role model would they have/break-up pain would they potentially have to go through?