On the edge of leaving my marriage but worried about regret

[Sugarpuffz1989]

I have been with my husband for 11 years (married for 3). We argue all the time, im getting depressed more and more. In an ideal world i would want to stay and make it work as we have 2 kids together. I feel like i have say him down for a heart to heart 100's of times though the years and it never gets any better for more than a week. When i tell him i want to end the relationship he tells me i cant leave, That he would not have anything to do with me or the children again if i left. He says he would make sure i lost my job and see me go homeless etc which is a big worry.

An example of our pathetic arguments would be one last night, he found out the sick we have had in the kitchen is leaking, its over 2 years old, he blamed me straight away calling me a home wrecker and saying i break everything, we shouted at each other for awhile and then went back to ignoring each other, he blames me for everything! last week he told me he sold a phone we had and then i found it a week later hidden on the wardrobe, he said that's a white lie and they are aloud if needed! he reasoning being i wanted him to sell it and he wanted to keep it so he lied?

I cant figure out in my own mind if its the fear of leaving my safe place that keeping me here or my heart saying there is something still here, I feel so confused!

All i know if my eldest is 10 now and she says to me " why do you always have to argue, i sick of it"! makes me feel awful. When i try to talk to him about this he says she is just a kid and she will turn out fine and she loves her dad and wouldn't want us to split.

I am terrified of being alone i wont lie, Im scared of having no one to talk to as my family lives miles away, im scared of not earning enough to survive, Im scared of him being serious about wanting nothing to do with the kids and last but not least im scared of regretting it and it being too late.

My mind is telling me this is not right! You deserve to be happy, your kids deserve not to have to witness constant arguments, you will never meet anyone else if you stay in this marriage forever. Then my heart is saying your a family, good or bad, make it work and see it though come rain or shine.

What shall i do, Please help me find some clarity, i feel so down these past few months, and when i sit him down now for a tlk he has heard it so much he refuses to listen, he thinks im the problem.

One of the reasons I divorced my first DH was the constant pointless small lies he kept telling. Lost respect and that was it.

Did you just know you wanted to leave or was it something you was unsure of that worked out for the better?

All I can say is, and I know it's a cliche, please think about your children.

If your daughter came to you, broke down, and told you the man she was married to emotionally abused her the way your husband does to you, would you not want to do anything to get her out of that situation?

Please, show them it's not normal, show them if you're not happy you can leave. Give them the chance to grow up without a distorted view of what a happy marriage should look like, let them turn into lovely human beings with respect for themselves and the way they treat other human beings.

You deserve more than this, you deserve a lot more than this.

I understand your quandary and your fear but after reading that I can't tell you enough that I think your head - not your heart - is very right.

When I started reading I thought maybe give things one last go with counselling but I very quickly realised that would be a very bad idea and he is not someone you can reason with.

A number of things jumped out:

His threat to ruin you and not see his children if you left;

Blaming you for every little thing;

Dismissing the effect on your daughter and the "she loves her Dad" comment...

...I'm concerned by those things. I think he has the potential to damage you and your children.

You deserve better than this and I don't think this will get better.

Going alone is scary but you can do it. I'm sure there's plenty here who can advise on specifics if you wanted.

Perhaps speak to Citizen's Advice and/or solicitor to see how you could go about it - it may not be as difficult - financially and practically speaking - as you think. Worth asking.

I don't know how you'd feel about perhaps speaking confidentiality to Women's Aid or similar? Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn and way off the mark here, but some of his behaviour is not normal and I can't help feel he may have been emotionally abusing you in ways you hadn't even imagined and they may help you make sense of it all and provide guidance on separating.

I think you've flogged this dead horse long enough and should put you and your kids first. I really think the children will be more affected living like this than they would a separation. If they have you (a happier you ) and your support they can do just fine.

Hope you're ok. Keep talking. Either to someone trusted in RL or here. Take care.