DD and Controlling boyfriend

[RapunzelsRealMom]

I haven’t exactly excelled myself as a parent today and feel pretty shit about it.

To clarify, everything I said was true but it may have been better if it had never been said.

DH and I have always had a great relationship with DD1 (21). We’re very lucky in that she has never really caused us much worry - she did well in school, got into a great uni, works hard, has some lovely friends, etc.

A few months ago she started dating an older guy (28). The age difference wasn’t an issue - she’s not a child, although she’s not terribly experienced (has dated quite a bit but only one previous boyfriend). It seemed to get quite serious quite quickly but DH and I were happy that she had found someone she really liked.

However, from before we met him, we were slightly uncomfortable - he seemed to have some minor red flag controlling/selfish behaviours: everything is on his terms, where they meet, when, he didn’t want to meet us, then he did but only on very specific dates, she drives to him all the time but he doesn’t drive, so won’t won’t come to her. He keeps saying ‘sweet’ things like “everyday I think that you are going to break up with me” which actually puts pressure on her to make him feel happy and secure and basically puts everything on his terms.

When we did meet him, at a family gathering, he arrived late, was rude to some other guests (including DD2 and DD3 who DD1 is very close to), he ‘held court’ and almost ‘hosted’ us in our own home. DH and I both got a really bad vibe from him. He ended up very drunk and obnoxious.

DD1 can’t see it. She doesn’t accept that everything is on his terms, or won’t admit that it is. She seems to be entirely under his spell and I feel as though we are losing her.

So, DH and I did the one thing that would push her away - we told her, didn’t we. To be fair, it didn’t cause a huge row. She was visibly very upset but said she would take on board what we had said. She had known we weren’t keen on him but didn’t know the extent to which we disliked him and worried about her. Now she does.

I know we shouldn’t have spelled it all out like that but we’re not imagining this about him surely? His behaviour is concerning right?

His behaviour does sound very worrying. The good thing here is that she's only been with him for a few months. If she's taking on board what you said then there is a chance, I guess, that she'll see the light.

It may have been the wrong thing to do, but tbh I would have probably done the same.

Good luck with it all.

Thank you.

I think the textbook advice would be to welcome him and say nothing negative, secretly hoping she'd see sense without us alienating her. I failed!

Thanks for admitting you might do the same

Personally I think it's fine to tell her what you think. I'm sure she values your opinion, as she would that of a good friend. It will remain in the back of her mind. However, I think you should avoid any attempt to split them up, not invite him to things, alienate either of them etc. Just make it clear you are always there for her no matter what.

I think you've done precisely the right thing. Pretending you like him would be so much worse. At some point she will hopefully wake up to how controlling he is, and when she does she will know that she can come straight to her loving parents for support. Otherwise she might think 'Everyone likes him it must be my fault'.

I think you did the right think too. At least she knows you're there for her too. And when the inevitable happens she knows you've got her back x

I agree with Sparkle. I was in a similar relationship in my early 20s. One of the reasons I stayed longer than I should have was because I thought it was in my head because everyone "liked" him. I found out later that it was not the case.

I think you did the right thing.

I am a similar age to your DD. I adore my mum and step dad and if they said to me what you both said to your DD I would at very least be more aware of their behaviour. I would most likely consider leaving him.

You sound like lovely parents by the way.

I think you sound like wonderful parents and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a told her these things.
But I think that now you have to work on accepting him but also subtly making sure that she knows you and her dad are available and willing to pick up the pieces if things don’t work out. Whether it be that it doesn’t work out in a few months or a few years or after a few children... Just make sure she knows that “I told you so” won’t be part of your vocabulary.

Oh my goodness thank you so much for your replies. I had a bit of an AIBU fear posting this. I thought I was in for some harsh words.

I won't exclude him or try to break them up.

To be honest, although them splitting is what I want, I'll feel awful if she does it because of what we've said. She's happy with him for now.

She thinks that we think no one is good enough for her. That's so not true! She's a young woman and I had found love by her age so I'd love it if she did, but not with someone like him.

Thank you again

Does she have close friends? Encourage her to still see them. Girly theatre trip/shopping day. Maybe you could ask her for help in shopping for a new look then it's not a case of excluding him but more It'll be unusual he came.

She does have other friends but I've noticed girls nights out aren't very frequent any more. I've talked to her about this but she says it's because most of her friends are studying for final exams right now. She's right (and she's studying too to be fair). That's temporary though