It's always my fault.

[DisneySenior]

I realise how ridiculous this is. New dp, been slowly getting to know each other over the past couple of years as friends, he helped me leave DV and helped me move into a new home etc. He is lovely and recently we realised we had fallen in love. It's generally great but I feel like I'm being questioned about absolutely everything. If I don't reply to a message straight away he gets a bit huffy, he regularly takes hours to reply to me but if I don't reply straight away it's a text saying no reply? Or something similar. He's away this weekend visiting family. A friend died last night I was quite upset but it was expected. He knew this. I text him early evening saying I hoped he had a good night planned and I got a reply hours later saying he was at a friends house having a drink and playing pool but he would speak later and give me a message when he got 'home'. I waited up for hours and nothing at all. He was offline for more than 15 hours (overnight) which is very unlike him and its the longest I've ever went without us contacting each other which is why I think this might be ridiculous and I'm over thinking. I woke up early with a feeling of dread in my stomach when I seen I had no messages, I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was working overtime and I was worried because its out of character.

Eventually get a message at 1pm all cheery as if nothing had happened and when I asked what happened last night, what he told me didn't add up so when I said it was strange he got straight on the defensive that he was at a mates why do I always think the worst etc. He is teetotal so definitely not out drinking etc. The only thing I can think is he has slept with someone else. It was my first instinct and I don't know why.

I'm 32. I feel ridiculous but he is absolutely furious with me for being suspicious and I've tried to explain that my brain is hard wired to always think the worst. Every night that ex dp didn't come home it was because he was in someone else's bed. He cheated constantly and I'm so used to it that I still think everyone is like that. New dp can't understand why I think he would so that to me.

How do I stop myself being like this?

Sadly the harsh truth is that he needs to change, not you. And that being very unlikely, you need to leave this relationship before more damage is caused. I hope you can move on.

Firstly he is demonstrating classic controlling behaviour by demanding you reply to texts straight away, so he knows where you are and who you’re with.

Also classic is accusing you (even if it is covertly by demanding g you answer his texts) of being with someone else when that is what he is doing.

Keeps him as a friend but you are falling into a trap of your own making by not recognising the signs clearly of another DV relationship. Your instinct is telling you something. Don’t ignore it

Please don't tie yourself in knots.

It's really, REALLY obvious that you need to not be in this relationship.

What would need to happen for you to end this?

I'm still really anxious I hate this feeling. I don't know if I'm worrying because of past experience or because I genuinely believe he spent last night with someone else. The thing is, I'll never find out. With ex dp, he made no effort to cover his tracks and I even had woken turn up at the door looking for him because they had swallowed a load of lies thinking he was single. I want to trust that new dp isn't like this because he swears he's not and is taking the hurt huff routine for me even daring to think it. That's what's setting alarm bells off for me.

I have also seen texts pop up on his phone in the past from one of his exes who is in regular contact with him because they share a dc. I never look at his phone but the screen lights up when a message comes through. First one was a love heart emoji, second one said I really really love you (all I could see without opening phone) and the third one said I will always be in your life (again all I could see without opening). I have never mentioned that I've seen them but he has admitted that she still wants him and she went 'crazy' when they broke up. This was all 7/8 years ago and he says the relationship now is just civil Co parenting but those two texts surely mean there is more to it?

I'm so confused and I thought I was better. I really thought I'd struck gold here and now I'm questioning my own judgement again.

He's another type of predator op sorry

But congrats on questioning his behaviour and recognising some of the signs,
He picked you because you were in a vulnerable position, your not that same woman now, send his arse packing 💐

Yeah he's another abusive man
Get rid of him and consider finding your local Freedom Programme to help you avoid this in future

I've ended things. I had a feeling that was the only thing I could do, this just confirmed it. He's very angry with me, I won't see him until at least tomorrow and we don't live together so I'm hoping he's calmed down by the time he collects some stuff.

I nearly fell for it, I really thought I'd found the one. I need to sort myself out and be on my own. I've already done the freedom project but I think a refresher will help me.

Thank you.

Well done op.

There is no "the one", ok? Believing that there is will.make you vulnerable. Because you'll imagine the stakes are much higher than they actually are.

No man is all that special! No woman is either. Everyone has flaws and relationships are about finding a person whose flaws fit well with yours, and with whom there is mutual respect and admiration.

This guy didn't respect you, he made that clear. So you've done the absolute best thing, chucking him.

You don't need to be there when he collects his stuff

You don't need to talk to him.

Well done. Sounds like you have got this sorted. Freedom refresher sounds good.

You don't have to be there when he gets his belongings do you? You don't have to put yourself through that.

wow, well done, OP. So pleased you've seen through the bullshit. A relationship needs to be built on mutual trust and respect and he was already showing he didn't trust or respect you.
onwards and upwards brave lady!

Put his stuff outside the door. You don't need to see him. Well done for dumping this knob - you can do much better.

You've done the right thing, there are too many red flags here, he is abusive.

I believe he singled you out as someone who is vulnerable and made is move. He underestimated you, however, well done.