I can’t let go

[Fruitandnut12]

I’m so confused and feel incapable of making a right decision and it’s getting me down.

I left my husband two years ago after years of his bad temper and years of not trusting him, I didn’t have proof but his behaviour caused issues. He didn’t want to split up but I went for my own and what I thought was my children’s sakes. Six months after leaving him I had a brief relationship which he refers to as “an affair” it wasn’t, it started after I left him.

He embraced his single life after that (rightly so) and we moved on. We miraculously got to a point where he would tell me about his many dates and we’d laugh together and I can hand in heart say I wasn’t jealous at all.

Fast forward to now and I’m starting to feel that I miss my old life, I have genuinely been ok on my own so not sure what this is!

The thought of him meeting someone special makes me sad and uneasy. He has recently asked if there would be a possibility of trying again. Part of me wants to but I know the old problems would still be there.

I feel like if I don’t try I might miss my opportunity to be s family again (we obviously had great times together and he is a brilliant dad I’m also still very attracted to him)

He has used dating sites and met a few women in our time apart which is fair enough but something tells me he would be reluctant to move away from that despite his asking to try again. I’ve come so far by finding a house for me and the kids but part of me wants to go back. I’m so confused that I can’t think straight. He often refers to my being in a relationship too and says it would be hard for him to get over that ( it finished ages ago). Am I hankering over a life I had or should I give it one more go?

What effect does it have on DC that you are apart
What effect would it have on DC if you reconcile
What effect would it have on DC if you got back together and then it didn't work out.

I would look at the impact on them, look at each scenario and assess the outcome for each. Then look at all scenarios and think about the balance of probability.

Then, and only then would I think about what this man has to offer me, and of course ask myself if I could make him happy too. It's not so much that one should not factor in past history, we are after all what we do, what we have done. But one lives in the hear and now, with a look to the future and a backwards glance to the past. We can't live in the past. We can choose to live differently because of the past, and we can change our future. Can you put the past aside whilst having learned from it? It's almost impossible.

The children are a huge factor, that’s why I’m scared of making the wrong decision. They have adjusted really well to the separation (he lives 15 minutes away) so they see him regularly. I think they would be happy to see us together but I couldn’t put them through another break up, I’d never forgive myself.

Why did you split up?

Like you I would wonder whether he was able to give up the buzz of messaging women on these sites, and the dates. I think a lot of men get hooked on it, don't see it any longer as a means to an end but enjoy the thrill of online dating.

You say you miss your old life, is it just that or do you miss him? How do you feel when you are together?

Move on. For you and the children's sake.

There's a reason you split up and now he's regretting that mistake.

Don't be a fool and take him back. Life as a single mum is better than a relationship that drags you and them down. Time and time again.

You are worried that he’s reluctant to give up his online dating etc which is a massive factor. None of us (or even you really!) know how likely it is, how serious he was when he mentioned trying again.

Personally if I were you, I’d have to sit down and have a proper talk with him about the other issues, about the dating, about the fact that he has the wrong idea about your non-affair. If he is serious about trying again he has to be willing to address all of that.

He would also need to accept any rules around your relationship eg not mentioning it to the DCs until you are sure, you keeping your own house etc. Treating it as if it were a new relationship, not going back to the old one, so taking things slowly, building trust etc.

The fact that you clearly still have feelings and find him attractive is a good start. But without trust that’s worth nothing.

Would you be open to couples counselling?

Because you are getting on so well, you are seeing how things could be. This isn't real. If you got back together things would be the same. Don't do it.

Thank you for all your replies it really helps getting another perspective. He has said I can delete all his dating apps and that he wouldn’t want me to feel that he is hiding things from me. He feels that as he was against the split he was put in a position where he was suddenly single after 18 years and tried the online dating. To be fair in all our time apart he hasn’t met anyone that he wanted to settle with. I do miss him but I miss our family unit too.

I think we have both changed but we are both aware of that and yes, a good talk about everything is definitely what we need to do. I think there is still part of me that has reservations and as someone posted I do have moments where I think “don’t do it!” . I think that is because I’ve come so far and I do feel like a stronger person.

If you delete apps be sure to delete account first.

Being a stronger person is a very good start. It can do no harm to any relationship, unless of course your partner wants a wet rag.

It can only work I think if you start from the beginning, and all the old issues are dealt with and put behind you, which is why you need to do lots of talking. But it's difficult to do this whilst also treating it as a new relationship. I did this with exdp and DC's father. Ultimately it didn't work, not because old issues resurfaced but because a few months in I simply found new irritations and issues! The kids are fine now three years or so later, but in retrospect I made the wrong choices.

I agree with the poster who says not to tell the children initially. Perhaps both of you could start to spend some time together away from the children. And of course also spend some family time together, where it's about the unit, with the emphasis being on the DC's and having fun as a family.

Reheated food never tastes as good as fresh.Thats a saying I heard once and it's stuck with me.You split for a good reason I would be wary of going back