Give up or soldier on

[Sometimeitrains]

Posted on here before but after some slightly different insight . Hence the new post.
(Ex) dh and I split 2 yrs ago decided to try and get back together recently hit some stumbeling blocks and jointly agreed to relationship counselling.
Taken 3 months to get this sorted in the meantime we have been dating spending time at home together sex etc. All going well but we felt for this to work we needed to deal with our history in a constructive way
In counselling he has a lot of issues and resentment come up. I feel like im over the things hes holding onto
concerns i have are more current so sessions have been frustrating intense and exhausting for me. Counsellor advised we dont discuss outside of the session with each other.
I want to ask him wtf why with all of this resentment why are we getting along playing a loving couple is it all fake!
Tbh I dont know if Im just venting or if im looking for someone to say just ask him before the next session because knowing how he feels but still moving forward with dating etc just seems sily so just give up.

Do you think he genuinely has issues or is he game playing? If he has genuine issues then it’d be folly to gloss over them.

If you don’t deal with the resentments of the past then you’re just put a sticking plaster over them and your new relationship going forwards won’t be based on firm foundations.

Good for you that you’ve got over the past and moved on, now imagine he’d got over the past and moved on before you. Imagine you weren’t able to get the stage where you had come to terms with the past.

If you don’t want him to have that same peace you do then perhaps you should consider calling time on the relationship. If you think he’s game playing and doesn’t have issues then perhaps it’s time to reconsider if this will work.

There is nothing to say that dealing with his resentments wont drastically change the current dynamic (and perhaps your concerns), is there? I mean you dont know how this resentmentd are truly impacting his behaviour yet, you may be very pleased not to have glossed over them in the future.

Not thought of it like that to be honest. Yes if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldnt want it glossed over . But also yes dont know if its just an excuse to justify his behaviour before we broke up and not take responsibility for it.
I think my frustration is around not talking about things outside the sessions and just going along in the current dynamic like nothing was discussed. That seems difficult e.g Talking about how much he hated me 5 yrs ago in session then going home and him wanting us to cuddle up and watch TV.

concerns i have are more current so sessions have been frustrating intense and exhausting for me. Counsellor advised we dont discuss outside of the session with each other.
I want to ask him wtf why with all of this resentment why are we getting along playing a loving couple is it all fake!

I would strongly advise that you bring up all of the above at your next session.

Do you feel as though your partner is taking over the sessions? I'm just wonder why the recent sessions have felt so frustrating and intense? Is it because the issues that you feel are important haven't been focused on?

It's worth noting that you both need to be heard equally (both by each other and by your counsellor). This may not happy equally every session - sometimes you'll talk more, sometimes he will, that's natural - but if there's a consistent imbalance I would be concerned and raise the issue (n.b. you may need to be open to seeking a different counsellor in order to resolve this).

A further point, echoing previous posters, is that you'll need to take each other's points of view on board. Even if you feel your DH is wrong, it doesn't mean that his feelings are invalid and don't pose a barrier to him. For your DH, the past resentment is a barrier that he needs to get past. For you, the recent stumbling blocks are a barrier. You need to remove both barriers, working together, before you can meet in the middle and go forward on the same path.

That seems difficult e.g Talking about how much he hated me 5 yrs ago in session then going home and him wanting us to cuddle up and watch TV.

That's quite a disconnect between feelings and actions...

I'd struggle to cuddle up to DH if he said 'I hated you 5 years ago' in every day life, let alone after an intense relationship counselling session!

I think there's a difference between 'not talking about issues' day to day (therefore leaving them for counselling sessions) and 'playing happy families' as though nothing has happened. Perhaps it's worth mentioning that you're struggling with the balance and find it difficult to ignore everything that's been said in sessions during day to day life.

If your counsellor suggests that you should just ignore everything and pretend to carry on as normal, I'd personally consider finding someone new.

Thanks poppin!
Im thinking now to carry on with the sessions and bring this up. I couldnt really articulate why it bothered me but yes the word disconnect encapsulates it.
I think also that I do think his view of incidents is wrong or out of context but as said doesnt make it unvalid if thats how he really felt as opposed to rewriting history to justify things which is something else I will mention possibly.
Ive never had any form of counselling before. I hear the term bandied about so much as a cure all that I think I expected it to be a very simple easy process.