DH and TTC

[FrustratedAndFedUpp]

I've name changed for this.

Myself and DH have been married for 18 months and are TTC#1. I'm 33 and he's 35.

He is desperate for a child and has been since before we married but we only started trying after we got married about 10 months ago. 4 months in we conceived and had a MMC. 3 months after that I had a chemical. I was so stressed about the whole thing and worried that I paid privately for us to have some tests and we are waiting for some to come back but what we have back so far have come back clear.

My frustration is DH has such an unrealistic expectation about TTC. All in all we have been trying for 9 or 10 cycles but he gets so worked up and excited and then disappointed each month and has become obsessed with it. This cycle he insisted on us trying every day of FW and then basically he couldn't get or maintain an erection 75% of the time and then got a bit stroppy about pressure even though I was going along with what he said he wanted to do.

He's now decided it's all too much for him and we have to have fertility treatment to conceive as he can't cope with the pressure and wants us to have IUI.

I think if we prematurely throw ourselves into invasive treatment it could cause more angst. I've suggested a normal sex life with no tracking and just sex 2-3 times a week which is what we used to do but he's saying he can't even do that.

I've been so patient and understanding up until now but I've told him he needs to sort his head out, he was saying tonight "I'm so sick of it!" His expectations are just unrealistic. I love him dearly so so much but I need him to be adult about this whole situation and realise these things can take time. I don't want him to be stressed its actually breaking my heart seeing him miserable but the way this is between us is as if we have been trying much longer.

How can I handle this situation?

Take him to the doctor and ask the doctor to explain it to him.

Might give him some comfort to know it’s normal

Aussiebean the NHS is desperately overstretched. This chap shouldn't take up the time of an in-demand GP when he could read up about these things or even read about other people's experiences online

Seriously though OP, poor you, that sounds incredibly stressful. I wonder if he's conflating the pressure to conceive with the pressure to maintain an erection iyswim? It sounds like he'd benefit from some counselling and I think you're right, taking the pressure off and just having regular sex rather than going for invasive treatment would be the advice any professional would give you. Good luck with it all

Did you go straight for ovulation tests? I read somewhere that sex every two to three days is more likely to result in a baby. Certainly worked for us. Maybe just take it off the table for a month or so, focus on pleasure rather than piv sex, then slowly reintroduce it when he's not psyching himself out any more? You may find that the more you force it, the more he digs his heels in.

He is being unrealistic and you are having the classic getting pressure trying to hard!! However once in that place I imagine it is difficult to get out of it

He sounds like he has gone completely OTT with it. TTC should be lovely.... my husband found it a real turn on just doing without contraception and trying to impregnate me lol

Thanks for the replies. It's as though as soon as we started TTC he went straight in at the deep end. The MMC was discovered at 12 weeks and so that was horrendous and made everything so much worse.

He has always been pestering me for dates of my fertile week (I'm slightly irregular which is good as means he can never 100% know himself) and I've told him I'm not going to tell him.

This will give you a good idea about how clueless he is- I ovulated the day before yesterday. This morning he asked when we would know if it had been successful (I've told him this before) and I told him 2 weeks. He screamed "for goodness sake!!!!" As if that was a ridiculous wait. I told him he has to calm down and get a grip honestly he's absurd.

This cycle we will have DTD 3 times during the fertile week so still in with a chance. I wondered if he needed viagra or something? I'm dreading not being pregnant this month and having to deal with all this again next month it's so unbelievably childish!

Genuinely, how do you think he is going to manage the stress of children?

A baby that won’t sleep

A toddler that won’t eat

A teen that wont listen?

I think I’d tell him ttc is off the table till he sorts,himself out.

Wow

OP he needs to get some help. Is he this anxious about everything in life? Shouting and the like will just cause you stress and make it less likely to happen.

Plus jedenfalls is spot on. If he's this stressed about ttc he will really struggle with a completely unpredictable child.

throw ourselves into invasive treatment

Err no that would be YOU putting yourself through invasive treatment, yes? Not him. When you probably don't even need it just to satisfy a screeching drama queen.

Nope.

THere are some serious alarm bells here - for a start, I would stop TTC right now as he sounds utterly unsuitable for parenthood until he starts to get a grip and learn how to find out information about basic life processes, understand that information and not react to normal events like a toddler. You 'dreading' not being pregnant next month? No. You can't possibly go into pregnancy and birth with that kind of partner and that level of 'support' - can you IMAGINE him having a meltdown at hospital staff when you're in labour as he thinks it's taking too long? Screaming at you if breastfeeding is a trial, or the baby won't sleep? Incessantly calling the doctor or screeching at you to do so? Makign your child a nervous wreck for not walking/reading/mastering chess/making the swim team on demand?

Now is your chance to call a halt and simply REFUSE to go any further unless he makes some radical changes.

I know you're all right I had this kind of conversation with him this morning and he's acknowledged he's "a bit of a stress head". I don't want to start spending money on IUI etc when we don't need to and I'm worried he thinks it's a magic wand that will just work- in fact I know he will have been thinking that so I've told him the chances of success at each time is low.

I think I've been pandering to him too much and really he needs to grow up and get a grip.

I'm not going to discuss TTC with him over the next 2 weeks unless it's to calm him down/ give him a reality check. I told him many close of friends have taken up to a year/ had losses/ had fertility treatment and it's all part of the process. I just need him to calm the F down.